"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Levi Anthony

Yesterday marked a year since we lost Levi. For obvious reasons, I've been dreading the day, because this last year has been really hard and I thought for sure I'd be a complete mess all day. Surprisingly though, it went rather well. You all must have been praying for me extra hard, and God must have given me some extra graces, because instead of falling into a pit of despair (like I have a tendency to do), I was able to think about Levi in a good way, feeling blessed for the brief time I had with him in my womb. I'm really glad I have such vivid memories of him kicking inside me and of all my doctor appointments, hearing his heartbeat and seeing him on the ultrasounds. I'm also glad we have a few pictures of him after the delivery, because I know most people who've lost pregnancies don't have that. And as hard as that whole experience was, Logan and I both agree that plenty good has come from it - the most important thing being that our son is now with Christ in Heaven. Praise God for that.

Thank you for your prayers!

The will of God is never exactly what you expect it to be. It may seem to be much worse, but in the end it's going to be a lot better and a lot bigger. -Elisabeth Elliot

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas!

Love,
Logan, Jen, and Marley

For today in the city of David a savior has been born for you who is Messiah and Lord. -Luke 2:11

Friday, December 24, 2010

And the journey continues

I really don't want to sound depressing on Christmas Eve, buuuuut I have an update on the whole trying-to-get-pregnant thing. I've held off writing about it because there were other things going - house, foster care, puppy, etc. - and I was trying to keep my mind occupied on those things. So, I'll have to backtrack a month or two...

At the beginning of November, I saw my regular OB/GYN, just for a check-up and see if there was anything going on. I know I don't ovulate regularly, so that obviously cuts down our chances on getting pregnant. So, my doctor decided to put me on Clomid, which basically helps you to ovulate. He wanted me to take Clomid, and then estrogen, and then get an ultrasound done to see if I was about to ovulate. He also thought it would be beneficial to keep a chart of my cycle. This was about a week after I decided to stop charting. I kind of just went with it, figuring it wouldn't hurt. Well, the next day I woke up and started freaking out. I was finally content on just letting things happen, without charting and stressing over it - so the whole Clomid process made me feel like I was taking a step back (I'm not sure if I'm making any sense but I'll just roll with it). Thankfully, God put the right people in my life that day, and I decided to go ahead and take the Clomid. When I went to get my ultrasound done, I was pretty nervous because I really didn't feel like I was about to ovulate. But alas, they saw what appeared to be follicles and the nurse practitioner said it "looked promising" (my doctor was out of town that week, unfortunately).

On Tuesday, I got some blood work done - a progesterone level to make sure I ovulated and an HCG level to see if I was pregnant. My doctor called me with the results yesterday. The HCG test was negative, so I'm not pregnant - which doesn't surprise me, because you just know when you're pregnant (at least that's how it was the first time). My progesterone level was low, which isn't good since I'd most likely not be able to maintain the pregnancy if I did get pregnant. As if those 2 results weren't enough bad news, my doctor also looked at my ultrasound pictures and said it looks like I have polycystic ovaries. That causes problems with fertility, as I'm experiencing now, so my doctor increased the Clomid dose for my next cycle and I'm also going to start taking progesterone.

While the news obviously wasn't what I wanted to hear, I am very grateful that I decided to go along with the medication and tests and everything, because now we can try to fix the problems (although you can't fix polycystic ovaries, but whatever). It is all very frustrating, though, because next week marks a year since we lost Levi. That whole experience was hard enough, and still is, so the problems with my fertility just makes everything harder. I know one day this is all going to make sense, and I still haven't lost faith in God's plan for us. But I could really use some extra prayers right now.

In case I don't make it to the blog tomorrow, I hope you all have a safe and blessed Christmas. I'll be enjoying it with my wonderful husband, cute puppy, and the best family a girl could ask for. :)

When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul. - Psalm 94:19

Friday, December 17, 2010

More about foster care

People have been asking about the whole foster care thing, and I've been meaning to write more about it.
We've already attended 3 classes (3 hours each), so we have 4 left. Two social workers teach the class, and they started with the basics - explaining the purpose of foster care and how they go about placing kids in custody. Now they're teaching us what to expect if we ever have foster children in our homes. Every child in foster care has been either abused - emotionally, physically, sexually - or neglected, or both. So obviously, there are a lot of issues to deal with. I can't imagine what it'd be like to be taken out of my home as a child and put in another home with strangers. Add to that the reason they were removed in the first place.
When we finish attending the 21 hours of classes, Logan and I will be dually-certified as both foster and adoptive parents. Even though the goal of foster care is to provide a temporary home to kids until they're reunited with their family, it doesn't always work out that way. Some biological parents have their parental rights taken away, so their kids become available for adoption. I'll give an example in case I'm not explaining it very well...
Let's say Logan and I take in a kid. If after 18 months, the parents have not cooperated and have not gotten their act together, OCS may go to court to get the parents' rights terminated. If that happens, Logan and I would be expected to adopt that kid. That's why they certify people to both foster and adopt - it helps to prevent kids from going from home to home. If for some reason Logan and I decide we don't want to adopt that child (which wouldn't happen, I'm just saying it as an example), that child would then have to move to another home that wants to adopt them. And well, that's just not cool. Children get attached, and their biological families have already given the impression that they don't want the kid...we don't want to add insult to injury.
I could go on and on about this, but since I'm not a fan on reading super long entries, I'll spare you and stop here for now. ;)

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Meet Marley!

Yesterday I did one of the most impulsive things I've ever done...I bought a puppy. It was an early Christmas present surprise for Logan (and he was totally surprised and loved it, yay). Yeah, I know, I'm living on the edge. Kidding. Really, though, usually I think things wayyy through and end up talking myself out of it because I always think about the negative sides of everything. If that makes any sense. I don't know what came over me really, because I found an ad online while at work yesterday, called the guy to find out more information, and then went with a friend after work to look at the puppies. [In my defense, however, I had been thinking about getting Logan a puppy for a couple weeks now, so maybe it wasn't completely impulsive. Just saying.]And welllll, once I held this sweet, cute beagle in my arms, there was no putting her back. So here's the newest member of our family....Marley!
Yeah, she's pretty much the cutest thing ever.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Something we've been praying about...

Well, we survived the weekend. I think the stress made me get sick, but fortunately, I was able to take today off. Whew. Now we're debating on whether or not to tackle the living room floor ASAP or just wait until after Christmas. I guess it depends on what the lovely insurance company says...

So, there's been something I've been praying about since the summer. It sounds crazy to some people, and I've already had someone try to talk me out of it, but...I've been considering foster care. Naturally, Logan would have to be a part of it too, so we've been praying and talking about it for a few months now. To be honest, Logan wasn't thrilled at first, but he kept an open mind. A week after we bought our house, at the end of September, we attended an orientation class on how to become foster parents. It basically just explained the whole process and answered all our questions about it. The next step is to take 21 hours of classes to become certified as foster parents. Well, we started those classes last Thursday (yes, that night after our house flooded!). We have a 3-hour class every week for 7 weeks. Attending all the classes and becoming certified still doesn't mean we're obligated to take any foster children - in other words, we can still back out if we decide - so we figured taking the classes wouldn't hurt. And actually, we're learning some interesting stuff.

Logan and I have only told a few people ('til now!), and most people are surprised, mainly because they assumed we're trying to get pregnant. And we are still trying. But since we have a big house, and at least 9 more months until we have baby, we feel called to open our home to kids that really need it. You can think we're crazy all you want, and yes, I know we're young...you should have seen everyone look at us at the class last week. [One lady thought I was a foster child. Eh.] But for now, we feel like we're doing God's will. Please pray for us as we continue this process. :)

Thursday, December 2, 2010

The Joys of Home Ownership

Today I woke up at 6:15, just like any other weekday. Our bedroom is upstairs, so on my way downstairs I heard running water. I thought that maybe the toilet in the downstairs bathroom was just making noises (as it's known to do), but then I realized that the water wasn't just running - it sounded like it was moving very fast.  The bathroom and living room is lower than the rest of the house, since it was added on (the original structure is quite old and is raised). So, to get to the bathroom, I had to go down a little step. Well, I stepped down, and my socks were instantly soaked with water. Naturally, I panicked, and probably ran around in a circle, trying to decide if I should discover the source of the leaking water or just wake up Logan and make him do it. Since the rushing water sounded very close, I went into the bathroom and looked to the right at the toilet, and realized it was fine. I looked straight ahead at the tub - that was fine as well. I stood there, wondering where the heck the water was coming from - I don't know why it took me a few seconds to realize that the noise was coming from under the sink. I opened the cabinet doors to find water blasting out. Once again, I panicked, and ran upstairs screaming for Logan to wake up (it was probably something like "LOGANNNNN!! HURRY HURRY THE HOUSE IS FLOODED! LOGANNNN!"). He ran downstairs and turned off the water (yeah, I still feel like an idiot for not trying to figure it out). Then we go into the living room and realize that the entire living room  - the big and beautiful room I showed off not too long ago - was flooded. Logan said a few, ahem, choice words, and I cried, and we just stood in the water for a couple minutes. We just bought this house 2 months ago, and we had put down new flooring. We weren't exactly planning on replacing it anytime soon. So, when you wake up to something like that, you kind of don't know what to do - because you know there are a million things to do and you don't want to do any of it. But that's life.

With the help of Logan's dad and co-worker, we got the water vacuumed up and had de-humidifiers set up all day. We found out that one of the hoses under the sink had popped off, which is to blame for the flood. Unfortunately, both of us were needed at work, so we both did as much as we could and then went in late. Our house is a mess (at least the flooded part), and we're waiting on the insurance company to come check things out. Oh, did I mention that our housewarming party is in 3 days? Yep, perfect time for our living room to flood. But, I do have to say that Logan and I are VERY grateful that the water was somewhat contained in the lower part of the house. It could have been much worse. And, the party must go on. Just saying. :)

I'm starting to not like the month of December. Last December , I woke up in the middle of the night, and yelled for Logan in the same panicked way - although for a completely different reason (he made sure to point that out to me). In one way or another, those memories keep coming back.

And really, I'd take a flooded living room anyday.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

'Tis the Season

Thanksgiving has just flown by, it seems...but Logan and I had a wonderful holiday. We're feeling pretty darn blessed these days. :)

This is yet again one of those things that I reaaaallly don't want to talk about, but I kind of feel like I'm supposed to write about these things (sigh...). So, here goes.

With Thanksgiving came the start of the official "holiday season" - you know, since Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's happens all within 6 weeks of each other. Last year at this time, I was pregnant, which is super fun during the holidays for more than just the reason that you can eat like a pig and nobody can tell you anything. ;) Anyway, since this year I'm not pregnant, and I have no baby to show for my first pregnancy, it can make this whole holiday season a bit difficult at times. Because last year, we couldn't help but think about how this year we'd be celebrating with our little baby. I remember thinking on Christmas last year that as awesome as that day was, it'd be even better this year because we'd have our son in our arms, and not in my belly. I don't think I have to explain how much it hurts to not have a baby in my arms or in my belly. And to be honest, most days I'm okay with that. But it still hurts.

Today is the start of Advent, and usually I'm super excited about it. I still am, I guess, but today I realized it's going to be a lot harder than usual. Last year, it was pretty easy to get into the Advent mindset, so to speak, of waiting for the birth of Jesus. I was waiting on the birth of my own baby, so it was actually really cool to be able to relate to the Blessed Mother - both pregnant and waiting. And when I found out (on the feast of the Immaculate Conception, how cool!) I was having a boy,  it made it even better - you know, since Jesus was obviously a boy too. I felt extremely blessed to be able to celebrate Advent and Christmas while pregnant. This year is obviously quite different, and I don't know why, but I feel kind of out of it. Maybe because while I'm really trying to focus on the present and being prepared for the coming of Jesus, I can't help but have flashbacks from last year (seriously, sometimes I feel like I have a mild form of PTSD when it comes to my hospital experience). Since the anniversary of the day we lost Levi is coming up, all of those memories seem to be in overdrive some days. It really is hard to believe it's been almost a year since everything happened.

I wish I could just stop comparing last year to this year. Eh.

Wellllll, now that I have that off my chest...I'm off to decorate our Christmas tree. :)

So too, you also must be prepared, for at an hour you do not expect, the Son of Man will come. - Matthew 24:44

Monday, November 22, 2010

House Pictures - the Living Room

Our living room is rather large (yay!) and has a little dining area, but so far we've just used the table to play games and pay bills. :) This room is definitely my favorite so far...
Can we say ugly carpet? And those are not our chairs. Just saying.
The door with the window goes to the driveway and the door on the left wall goes to the garage
No more ugly carpet!
Pretty floor!

White walls for now...



Starting to paint (and I promise, just because you never see me in pictures, doesn't mean I didn't help ;))
Pretty walls!

St. Cecilia, pray for us!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Aging cream and growth supplements, anyone?

This might be a completely pointless post. Just warning you. I think I just need to vent, though.

I know I'm short. I know I look younger than my age. People must not realize I'm fully aware of these things, because I am constantly - and I mean everyday of my life, ahhhh - being told I look like a kid. A few examples from this past week or so...

  • "When I first saw you, I thought, man, that's a big 2nd-grader."
  • "I thought you were a teenager at first!"
  • "Are you home from college or are you still in high school?"
  • "I thought you were eleven."
  • "I'm taller than you!"
I think you get the point. I can completely understand getting mistaken for a college or high school student, and heck, even a middle school student. But a 2nd grader? Please.

And yes, I know looking young is going to be a really good thing in another 10-20 years. I'm fully aware of that too. So thank you, world, for making me even more aware of things I'm already aware of. I appreciate it. Let's hope Santa brings me some aging cream and growth supplements for Christmas.

Okay. End of rant. (And that last statement was totally a joke, by the way...I think)

On a much brighter note, I've also had several people tell me the past week or so that I look happier and that I'm much more fun to be around. Sometimes I wonder if I really did seem that depressed before. Ah, well. All is good for now - you know, other than people mistaking me for an elementary school student. :)

"Ever since I have given up all self-seeking, I lead the happiest life possible." - St. Therese of Lisieux

Monday, November 8, 2010

Only With God's Grace

For the past several days now, I've been, well...different. And I guess there's just no other way to put it than I did last week: I'm at peace with my current situation. It may not seem like a big deal to some people, but for me, it's freakin' awesome. I haven't felt this way in almost a year (go back and read our blog from the beginning if you don't believe me). I'm not constantly worrying about things, and I'm not trying to predict the future. I'm just simply living each day as it comes, not letting every little frustration get the best of me. Trust me, I'm not naive - I know this time of peace isn't going to last forever. And that's okay. I'm just grateful I've finally been able to let go of so many things in my life.  I've always known and said the right things, like God is control of my life and He knows what's best for me, etc., but saying that is one thing...and actually letting God control my life is another. I'm finally giving God the reins - or the wheel, or whatever you wish to call it - completely. And that has only been possible with God's abundant grace.

As always, thank you for your prayers. :)

"Grace, combined with insight and choice, is the means of change." - Father Benedict Groeschel

Saturday, November 6, 2010

House Pictures - the Study

As you all know, we bought a house. People have been asking to see pictures, and since it's been over a month (oops), I think it's finally time to post some. We're still painting and doing other things, and since I'm weird and don't want to show anything until it's completely done, you'll get to see the one and only completed room in the house: the study. Logan gets his video editing done in here, and once we put in a chair or something, it might be a reading area too. :) We pulled up carpet, put down laminate, and painted most of the downstairs, including this room. Check it out!

Ugly carpet...easy fix though!
Taking out the carpet
Pretty new floor!
 


Our new rug!

Painting...red is a difficult color...
Ta-da!

 The living room will be next. :)

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Hi, I'm Melancholic

Logan and I have been trying to get pregnant for 7 months now. Considering it barely took 2 months to get pregnant the first time around, it's been a big lesson in patience and trusting in God's timing. I know 7 months is not very long, since many people try for years to conceive, but I think losing a baby before makes the waiting process seem that much longer. If that makes any sense. To be completely honest, Logan and I both had assumed I'd be pregnant again by now. And while it's a hard thing to grasp at times, especially in a world full of babies and pregnant women, we're doing okay, because we know we're exactly where God wants us to be.

Thanks to my lovely temperament, I have a tendency to freak out about things (I think it's appropriate to say that I "sweat the small stuff"). I worry a lot. I'm moody. I'm more pessimistic than optimistic, and I can be critical of myself and other people. And well, all of these things don't go very well when you're trying to get pregnant. I'd explain further, but since it's past my bedtime, I'll leave it up to your imagination. :) What I'm getting at is that I'm learning, every single day it seems, that I need to stop worrying so damn much, stop thinking about every possible scenario that could happen in the future, and start trusting that God will be with me every step of the way, no matter what happens. I know everything happens for a reason, and that God's timing is perfect, and [insert every faith-related cliche here], but my actions (i.e. worrying, being pessimistic) simply says otherwise. So, in an effort to "let go and let God" (sorry, last cliche, I promise), I am finally not obsessing over everything. In other words, I'm not keeping track of my cycles, I'm not taking my temperature every morning, and I'm just having a good ol' time with my husband, since that is what newlyweds are supposed to do. :) It all sounds rather simple, I know, but I'm stubborn - I mean, really...it took me 7 months! Don't get me wrong, I cannot WAIT to have babies and I would love for that to happen, like, tomorrow...but for now I'm at peace with my current situation. It's been over 10 months since I've been able to say that.

Please pray for me. :)

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. -Psalm 37:5

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Heard from me lately?

Ok, to begin...this is Logan.  I felt like I needed to say that b/c everytime I blog (which isn't much I know)...but everytime I do, whomever is reading it doesn't realize it's me till after they've read it.  So, I'm saving the confusion now.  As you know, Jen and I have moved into "our" house.  That is pretty cool to say..."our" house.  We've been in here a few weeks now and it's starting to feel a lot more like us.  We're going to attempt to do some painting this week and that will be some of the finishing touches to making the transformation of our 70 yr old house (and a house warming party is coming soon for those who have yet to see it).  

If I was to take a step back and look at my life, my marriage, etc., I'd say I've been pretty blessed.  Who knew two years ago I'd be married now and have a house to call my own.  Not only that, but a commercial I made being aired on t.v. and my name getting recognized by more and more people.  It's pretty cool.  Speaking of that, I'll throw a plug in here for the Buddy Walk this Sat. Oct. 30th.  If you want to know more about that, visit www.dsagno.org and sign up soon!

Lately, I've been thinking about Levi.  I don't know what it is, why I have...but I have.  Not to say it's a crazy thing to think about him, I just have more lately than I usually have.  Probably b/c everytime I log onto facebook, I see nothing but baby pictures posted on the news feed.  And that's no joke...there are literally tons of pictures.  And not that it's a bad thing again, b/c my friends and people I know have the right to do that...it's an amazing gift from God to be blessed with new life (Jen and I know the feeling).  But it just gets me thinking how things would be right now had Levi made it to his due date.  And I'm not gonna go ahead and name how things would be, it's just a little crazy to think about.  I feel bad, but I also often forget that Jen and I have a son looking down and praying for us.  Partially b/c I never carried him inside of me and how time and moving on can play a factor in that too.  I just wish I had more time to connect and get the dad thing time to soak in.  But always, I know he is there and God's plan will come together one day.  

Also lately, I've been trying to start my day off in prayer.  Not much, but something.  I've always prayed...at night and even throughout the day, but never really in the morning.  And thanks to a priest suggesting it to me, I can start to see it paying off.  My days have still been equally stressful and annoying, but from praying in the morning, I've been able to recognize my temper and control in those situations and call out to God for his presence.  It really is awesome in how God can move through you despite what goes on in life that's out of your control.

Well, I think I've rambled on about much of what was in my brain thus far and I know that will please the wife.  Hopefully, it won't be 6 months till my next post (to my fans, don't worry) and we can make this feel like "our" blog again...instead of Jen's ;P. 



Deo Gratias 

Friday, October 22, 2010

The Temperament Test

I've been a really bad blogger lately - I guess that's what happens when you buy a house. I promise we'll post more pictures of the house. We're planning on painting next weekend, so it'll probably be after that. :)

My sister-in-law is letting me borrow her copy of the book The Temperament God Gave You, so I've been reading it. I'm not sure how many people are familiar with the 4 temperaments, but I think it's pretty useful (if not necessary) knowledge, and I really think everyone on the planet should read this book. Just saying.

I was going to go into a brief overview of the temperaments, buuuuut I'm feeling especially lazy today. So you should just google it or something. Or read the book.

Logan and I have taken the temperament test, and it turns out, we're pretty much complete opposites (all of our random arguing totally makes sense now!). He's sanguine, and I'm melancholic/phlegmatic. So basically, he loves being around people and nothing fazes him, and he doesn't worry about life's problems...and I'd rather spend time by myself, reading or something, and I can't help but worry about the future and freak out over little things. In a way, it's a good thing to be opposites, because he can help calm my fears, and I can help him not procrastinate and be more organized. But on the flipside, I don't understand how he can just let things go, and he doesn't understand why I worry so much. It makes for an interesting life together, to say the least. But we're learning how to encourage each other, despite our differing temperaments, and I truly believe it could help a lot of relationships, especially marriages.

I found a copy of the book online, so check it out!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Worth the Wait

I feel like I've been pretty pessimistic the past couple of months, so I've decided to have an optimistic post. :)

Logan and I have been married for over a year, and we've been wanting to buy a house since our engagement. Every time we'd consider buying a house, though, it just felt like the timing was wrong. In April, we started to seriously look at houses for sale and even put an offer on one in May. That one didn't work out, and for the next couple of months, there were no houses on the market that we liked in our price range. It was pretty frustrating, because the timing finally felt right, and we had been saving up for a down payment - but there was nothing we wanted to buy.

Sometime in July, I got a text message from our agent about a house she thought we'd be interested in. Turns out, Logan and I were on the same street as the house for sale..and only a block away. So we drove past it and immediately liked it. It was cute, big, and a great price for the size. And as you may have guessed, we now own that house.

I know that in the big picture, 2 years of waiting to buy a house is not that big of a deal. But it's definitely been a lesson for me that God always has a plan, even when you can't see it. In the situation with our house, it was definitely worth the wait in the end, because we have an awesome house that is bigger and a much better deal than any other house we've looked at. Logan and I feel pretty darn blessed.

We think it'll be the same way when we have a baby - totally worth the wait.

We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. -Romans 8:28

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

It's Official!

Well, it's finally official - Logan and I are homeowners! Pretty cool, huh? We've been keeping busy the past few days, taking out some of the old floor and putting down new pretty stuff. Since we're still in the process of moving in everything, I'm going to hold off posting any interior pictures for now. Here's a picture of the outside - and don't be fooled, it's much bigger than it appears! :)
Our new house! Sorry about the tree in the way - we're planning on removing it!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

16 days to go!

Logan and I are going to be homeowners soon. In 16 days, actually. And that thought is pretty exciting and frightening all at the same time. It's pretty nice to have something to look forward to, though. Even though Logan and I had a rough past couple of weeks, preparing to have our very own house has actually been a bright spot. God always seems to make things bearable, in one way or another.

We started the packing process this past weekend, which is not very fun (I'll probably start dreaming about boxes soon). Even though we've only been married for about 15 months, sorting through all your possessions can bring back some memories - some good, some not so good. I have a bunch of pictures and letters back from when Logan and I dated. Funny stuff. Those were my good memories. My not so good memories? Yeah, those came when I packed my maternity clothes and thought about how I didn't even get to wear half of them. And then when I realized I had to pack all of the baby clothes and things we were given for Levi. We have some super cute little baby clothes, and part of me wonders if/when I'll get to put them to good use. As much as I try not to dwell on things like that, it's always at the back of my mind.

Welllll, on a more positive note, Logan and I ordered a washer and dryer for our new house last night. And to say that I'm excited is an understatement. Since we've been blessed to have family and friends give us pretty much everything (furniture and such), the washer and dryer is our first major purchase of something new. So I'm pretty thrilled about it. Laundry will soon be my new favorite chore. :)

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I'm surrounded by pregnant people. And I miss Levi.

It's been one of those weeks - you know, when the world seems to be against you (and it's only halfway over...ahhhh...). I'm realizing that I will continue to have times where I struggle with things, and even though I know it's completely normal and actually necessary to grow as a person, it still sucks sometimes. Just saying.

Let me assure you that I'm not asking for sympathy; I just feel called to share my thoughts and feelings about my experience with losing a baby and now trying to conceive again. My hope is that someone in a similar situation will know they're not alone. (That being said, feel free to share our blog with friends and family.)

A few weeks ago, I mentioned how going back to work has been challenging and that I'd write about it another day. Well, today is the day. When I first went back to work in February after losing Levi, I found out every week about another co-worker who was pregnant (and I'm not even kidding you - every week for the first month I found out about another pregnancy). It was hard, for obvious reasons. Seeing several pregnant people at work everyday was just a bad reminder of what I lost. Before I started back this school year, I found out about 3 more pregnant co-workers. Once again, it was hard - even more so, since I was trying to get pregnant again. And alas, this week, I've found out yet again about a couple more pregnancies among my co-workers. Even though I know I could just so happen to get pregnant next month, it's hard not to feel like I'm going to be the only one not pregnant any time soon. And I hate to admit it - since I'm trying my very best to be happy for everyone - but I can't help but feel a small twinge of jealousy (okay, maybe a big twinge) every time I hear about another pregnancy. It is oh so very hard to be content with not being pregnant when you feel surrounded with people who are pregnant. Please pray for me.

I'm sorry if this next part is depressing...

Monday was not a very good day. It was several things (I'll spare the details), but when I got home, I felt like the only thing that would help was to visit Jesus in the chapel (praise God for my Catholic faith). So, I did. As I was leaving the church to go home, I noticed the cemetery next door - which I hardly ever notice, even though I've always known it was there. Suddenly, I felt an overwhelming desire to visit Levi's grave, something I've never really felt, even after 8 months. It didn't take me long to realize that I couldn't do that because 1) his grave wasn't there and 2) I don't know even know where he was buried (but his body was buried, the hospital assured us). It was probably because I had a bad day, but all I wanted to do was sit by his grave and cry, and the fact that I couldn't do that was more upsetting than I ever imagined. I'm sure everyone who has lost a loved one misses them the most when they're having a bad day, and to think that I felt that way about a baby I carried for 5 short months just goes to show how powerful the bond between mother and baby can be. I think one of the hardest things about having a miscarriage or stillbirth is not having a sense of closure, since you don't have a funeral, and often times, you don't even know what your baby looked like (depending on how far along you were in the pregnancy). Logan and I did get to hold Levi's body, which was in a way a form of closure, but sometimes I wish we would have had a memorial service or asked a priest to say a mass. Maybe it would have made things a little easier.

To think that Levi is in heaven right now, praying for us, somehow makes all of this worth it.

"The Lord himself will fight for you; you have only to keep still." - Exodus 14:14

Sunday, August 15, 2010

If they only knew...

There's a lot of things that come up in everyday conversation that most people wouldn't think is out of the ordinary. A prime example? Whenever someone finds out I'm married, the first thing they ask (99% of the time) is, "Do you have any kids?" Seems harmless to most people. But, you know what? I hate that question. I know people don't mean any harm by it, but when you don't have any children due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infertility, that question is like a stab in the heart. I feel like I can't be honest to people and tell them I have a son, because then I have to explain everything - and that's just awkward. But then I don't want to tell them no, that I don't have children, because then that's pretending Levi never existed. So, whenever people do ask if I have children, I usually just say, "We're working on it."  It's an honest answer, and it usually works out just fine.

Sometimes, though, people decide to put in their two cents. Being that Logan and I are relatively young and still newlyweds, some people find it hard to believe that we want children so soon. And unfortunately, I've had several people try to convince me to wait to have kids (last week I had 2 people within 24 hours do that! ugh). They make it sound like having children is more of a burden than anything. It takes everything in me not to flip out on them and tell them that I have a son in heaven praying for me 24-7 because I didn't wait, and that being open to life my entire marriage has been both liberating and joy-filled because it's what God intended. One day I'm afraid I won't be able to restrain myself from going off on someone, and sometimes I wonder if that wouldn't be such a bad thing - because then maybe they'd realize...

It makes me wonder how many times I've said things to people, not realizing I offended them or struck a deep hurt. Sigh.


You need endurance to do the will of God and receive what he has promised. - Hebrews 12:1

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

In Memory

I don't mean to sound obsessed with anniversaries of certain days, but today marks the 1st year anniversary of my Uncle Mark's death. You always hear of these really awesome people passing at a young age, and well, he was definitely one of them. He is honestly one of the kindest, most generous, and loving people I've known.
Mark David Boresow
October 13, 1963 - August 11, 2009

Please say a prayer for his wife and kids today. 

St. Clare, pray for us.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Reliving the past

For those of you who don't know, I've been keeping a journal for a few years now - sometimes I just write about what's going on in my life, but most of the time it's the way I express whatever thoughts and emotions I'm dealing with at the time. I highly recommend doing so, because it's pretty interesting to go back and read things you've written (sometimes it's embarrassing, too, but oh well). Exactly a year ago today, I wrote this:

I really want a baby. It’s starting to get hard watching other women with their babies because I’m really not sure if I can get pregnant. A couple of days ago, I was watching a movie where a couple had a baby and were in the hospital right after, adoring their cute little boy. My eyes welled up with tears, without warning, because I want that. I know Logan’s going to be a great father, and I’d like to think that I’ll be a good mom, and I know we’ll love having a baby together. So, I just pray that God heals whatever is wrong with me so Logan and I can do what we were called to do as a married couple – create new life together.

Now, at this point, Logan and I had only been married just shy of 2 months, so I realize how ridiculous it was to be a little impatient about not being pregnant. But, like I wrote, I wasn't sure if I could even get pregnant - due to previous problems and even the words of a doctor I had seen the year before. Lo and behold, though, the day after I wrote this....I became pregnant (I didn't find about until a couple weeks later, of course).  And well, I thought that was pretty cool, to write about really wanting a baby and then getting pregnant the next day without even realizing it until later. Unfortunately, things didn't end up the way I expected, but there's no point in dwelling on that now.

Being that tomorrow will make a year since I got pregnant with Levi, I've started to have some major flashbacks. It can make things a little difficult, especially when I'm trying to be content with not being pregnant (which is getting better for the most part, but going back to work has been challenging - more on that another day). I'm all too aware of special dates from being pregnant last fall - like the day I conceived, the day of my first doctor's appointment and ultrasound (September 18), the day I first felt Levi kick (Thanksgiving), and of course the day that I lost him (December 29), among other dates. Reliving all of those memories will be quite painful. But, I have no doubt that God will help me through it.

St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross, pray for us!
I accept joy or suffering, praise or humiliation, with the same disposition. I remember that one and the other are passing. - St. Faustina

Thursday, August 5, 2010

A Word of Encouragement

Let me just first start off by saying that I've actually been at a pretty good place the last 2-3 weeks or so. Really. Even with things getting pretty crazy this week (babysitting + going back to work + buying a house process). It makes a huge difference, when you have a million things going on, to stop freaking out and just realize that there's a reason for every little thing that happens. It's such a simple idea yet somehow so hard to do at times. I hate that.

Okay, let me get to my point. I have a few friends that are going through a difficult time, or a transition period, or just one of those "I don't know what the heck is going on with my life" times. And well, I know how easy it is to get trapped in the whole "woe is me" mindset and just go further and further into a pit of despair. I wish I had some inspiring thing to tell them, but I don't. I do have an awesome quote to share, though (but I'll put that last). And just in case my opinion is in any way of value to them - assuming they read this - I do have some suggestions.

1. Pray without ceasing. Even when you don't want to.
2. Talk to someone...or two someones. Seek spiritual direction if you feel called to it (if God wants you to have a spiritual director, He'll provide one, no doubt).
3. Remember that you are loved. Even when you don't feel it.

There is not a moment in which God does not present Himself under the cover of some pain to be endured, of some consolation to be enjoyed, or of some duty to be performed. All that takes place within us, around us, or through us, contains and conceals His divine action. - Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Monday, August 2, 2010

Potential homeowners??

Soooo, after looking at houses for a few months (the agony...), we found one we really like! And after a couple of negotiations, the sellers accepted our offer! Now we get to do all the fun stuff (ha...NOT) before the closing day - which won't be until the end of September. But at least we have almost 2 months. It's all a bit intimidating, and there's always the chance of something going wrong where we end up not buying the house, but...Logan and I are still pretty excited. Please pray everything works out! :)

And if anyone has some extra furniture/appliances lying around - say, a washer and dryer, maybe some bookshelves - we'd be happy to take them off your hands. ;)

Thursday, July 22, 2010

When God interrupts your plans

I just read this story in a book and it pretty much blew my mind. I figured I'd share. And also, read Max Lucado's Facing Your Giants. It's awesome. Just saying. (And I fully give him credit for what I'm about to say and quote).

Lucado writes about how we make certain plans in life, but God seems to have plans of His own sometimes. 3 examples were given:

1. A man didn't find a wife until his mid-30s. They moved away and started a life with each other. 3 years later, the wife was killed.
2. A married couple conceived and turned one of their rooms into a nursery. The woman miscarried. (This one hits home, obviously, but the 3rd example is actually my favorite.)
3. Willem knew at 25 years old that he wanted to preach and spend his life in ministry. He began ministering to villagers in Belgium, and after helping the town through a mining disaster, Willem realized he "was doing what he'd always dreamed of doing." Then his superior visited. Since Willem gave his money to his village people (I forgot to mention this was in the 1800s), he lived in a hut and wore old clothing - to the disapproval of his superior. The church leader dismissed Willem from the ministry.

The author then talked about how we may respond to the moments in life when God interrupts our plans. Some reactions are good...some not so good. The man who lost his wife is angry and bitter. The couple who miscarried is praying about conceving again. Willem, the former preacher, was obviously devastated. Who wouldn't be? Why wouldn't God want him to work in ministry? Here's the rest of the story (Lucado says it so much better than I ever could):

Initially, he was hurt and angry. He lingered in the small village, not knowing where to turn. But one afternoon he noticed an old miner bending beneath an enormous weight of coal. Caught by the poignancy of the moment, Willem began to sketch the weary figure. His first attempt was crude, but then he tried again. He didn't know it, but at that very moment, Willem discovered his true calling.
Not the robe of clergy, but the frock of an artist.
Not the pulpit of a pastor, but the palette of a painter.
Not the ministry of words, but of images. The young man the leader would not accept became an artist the world could not resist: Vincent Willem van Gogh.

If that's not encouraging, I don't know what is. It may take us awhile to learn why certain things have to happen, but God interrupts your plans for a reason. His plans are better.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Contentment

This is one of those things that I really don't want to write about, but I feel like I'll go crazy if I keep avoiding it. Plus, a dear friend of mine encouraged me to keep writing, and I've done a terrible job of that this summer. So here ya go.

I hate to admit it, but lately (as in the past few months), I've had a really hard time with finding contentment in my current situation. It's bad, I know, because I have the best husband and some really good friends and an awesome family and a place to live and a job I like (with the summer off!) and the people I love are healthy and...well, you get the point. But then I think about how much I really want children and how it's hard to see everyone else pregnant and having healthy babies when that's obviously not in the near future for me. After being a child of God and Logan's wife, the thing I desire more than anything is to be a mother. And to be denied that for the time being sucks - for lack of a better word. I've recently, though, had like a million epiphanies. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating, but it's like God is making things really clear for me. It actually makes me feel selfish and guilty and everything for taking over 6 months to realize some things. And whenever I do get pregnant again, if it happens, I don't want to feel guilty and think I don't deserve it for being so discontent with not being pregnant. That make sense? I hope so.

So, what have I realized? That losing Levi was not about just losing my son. It's about God wanting me to become holier and wanting me to be prepared for whatever else He has planned for me. Fact is, you can't become a better person without suffering first. It sucks, but it's true. And instead of wasting any more time on whining and complaining about not having what I think I need (i.e. baby), I need to focus on what God wants me to get out of this situation. I've always known that there's a reason for suffering, and that God won't give us more than we can handle, but it's difficult to think all of that when you've lost something so dear to you. I'm sure pretty much anyone can relate, in one way or another...which is the main reason I'm even writing this. God doesn't want us to suffer. But sometimes we need to experience some hard things in order to be prepared for something else that is to come. I may not ever know concrete reasons for why I had to go through what I went through, but I want to at least be able to say in a few years that I made the best of it - because honestly, I couldn't say that now. But I'm working on it.

We tend to look at the circumstances of life in terms of what they may do to our cherished hopes and convenience, and we shape our decisions and reactions accordingly. When a problem threatens, we rush to God, not to seek his perspective, but to ask him to deflect the trouble. Our self-concern takes priority over whatever it is that God might be trying to do through the trouble. - Arthur Matthews

Thursday, July 1, 2010

My new favorite picture

Logan and our 2-year old nephew, Max

I love them.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Our summer so far

I know it's been quite awhile since we've last posted, and it's funny, because I have more time to write now than I did when I actually wrote on a consistent basis. Not sure what my problem has been - guess I just didn't feel inspired to write. I figured I'd fill you all (as in, the 5-10 people who actually read this blog) in on some things, being since the summer is nearly halfway over (noooooooooo.......).

1) We're alive. Yep, alive and well. (Good to know, huh?)
2) Still not pregnant (since we know that's what you're wondering). Which is okay, we're just realizing we need to prepared for the fact that it might be awhile until we are expecting another baby. Sigh.
3) I started playing soccer again this summer. I love it (but it's soooo hot outside). It's pretty much the one positive to not being pregnant yet.
4) Our 1st wedding anniversary was the 12th. Between my soccer game and Logan filming a wedding, we didn't have much time together. But it was still nice - and our year-old cake was actually pretty good! I figure if we made it through this past year, we can make it through anything.
5) Father's Day. I was surprised at how hard it was for me - being that I already had Mother's Day to cry about everything. I think it's because as much as I want to be a mother, I want Logan to be a father just as badly. And for him not to be able to celebrate Father's Day with his firstborn son just really got to me. But enough about that depressing stuff...
6) We've been looking for a house to buy. It's been very unsuccessful so far. We love our rental house and our neighbors and all, but we'd also like to have a place that is officially "ours" (plus a spare bedroom would be nice). The house hunt continues...
7) I know I always say this, but...we could use some prayers. Just saying.

July is looking to be like a more exciting month. Yay.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Babies'R'Us (it ain't so bad)

I've been meaning to buy a baby gift for a friend, and I finally got the chance to yesterday. I realized that it was probably a good thing that I never got around to it until now, because hitting up Babies'R'Us closer to Levi's due date would not have been too smart (Can you just see me crying in the middle of the store? Yeah. I can.). Although I've been to Babies'R'Us before for my adorable nephew, I've only gone to the books, toys, and clothes sections. This time I ended up exploring the whole darn store, thanks to the baby registry not having the correct aisle numbers for the registry items. And wow, I never realized how much was in Babies'R'Us. I actually found myself rather intrigued, wishing I could buy things for my own baby (which hasn't happened yet, but we're hopeful). At one point, when I realized the registry was wrong and I was going to have to search the entire store of cute baby things, I could have sunk into the whole I-should-have-been-able-to-shop-for-Levi mindset and become pretty depressed, but I dismissed that thought (I win, Satan!) and proceeded to walk around the entire store, getting a bit excited about the day I'll be able to finally register for my own baby. I think that's a step forward. Yay.

By delaying to grant our petitions, God increases our desires. By increasing our desires, God enlarges our heart. By enlarging our heart, God prepares us to be filled with Himself. - Saint Augustine

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Truth is...

I randomly came across this book recently, and all I can say is that it’s a God thing. It’s called I Will Carry You and is written by Angie Smith, who found out during a pregnancy that her child was basically “incompatible with life.” Even though it was suggested to them that they terminate the pregnancy, she and her husband decided to continue with it, despite knowing their daughter would not survive outside the womb (praise God for their awesome witness to the dignity of life). I’m not finished reading it, but already it’s been extremely helpful. It’s always comforting to read words from someone who has also experienced a loss with pregnancy; thoughts I’ve had don’t seem as crazy when you find out other people have thought the same things (if that makes any sense). This book, as well as random other things that have come up in my life lately, have made me more aware of other people’s situations. You just never know what other people are going through, whether it’s a death in the family or a battle with cancer or vocation discernment or just plain not knowing what the heck they’re supposed to do next in life. We tend to take things for granted – I know I’m just as guilty as the next person. That’s an important thing to realize, especially for me, since I kind of went into a self-pity phase for a little while. Truth is, I have a lot to be thankful for. I know I haven’t been blessed with a healthy baby yet, but there are a lot of other things I have going for me that not necessarily everyone else has (wonderful husband, great friends and family, roof over my head, food…you get the picture). Sometimes it’s entirely too easy to focus on what you don’t have instead of what you do have.

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast to our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has similarly been tested in every way, yet without sin. So let us confidently approach the throne of grace to receive mercy and to find grace for timely help.” – Hebrews 4:14-16

Friday, May 14, 2010

Confession #3

Well, this isn’t really a confession, but more of something I’ve realized…which may be the reason that I’ve been struggling more lately.

And before I start, I want to mention that I hesitate every single time I go to post an entry, especially this week (ask Logan, he knows). It’s just that I’m not used to sharing some of these things with people other than Logan, my immediate family, and my best friends. And I know I don’t have to share, but for some reason I feel like I should. Not sure why I wanted to say this now…maybe because what you’re about to read really made me cry while I was typing it. 

Confession #3
Not long after we lost Levi, I remember telling my mom that it was going to be tough up until his due date. And it was. But I thought that after the due date passed that I was going to get better. Don’t know what made me think that, really…I guess I figured I’d be able to move on after I got through that last significant date (other than the year anniversary of his death, of course). Well, I was wrong. Almost the opposite happened. Before his due date, I had to deal with the fact that I wasn’t pregnant anymore. After his due date, I still had to deal with the fact that I wasn’t pregnant anymore – in addition to dealing with the fact that I didn’t have a baby like I had been expecting for the 5 months I was pregnant. To carry a baby in you for that long and to have him taken away so suddenly….well, it sucks. And lately I’ve kind of been reminded of it even more. Because really, Levi would have been with us by now. What I wouldn’t give to be waking up every hour during the night to feed him or to be changing endless diapers. I shouldn’t be going to work every morning - I should be taking care of my baby. But I’m not. And I probably sound pretty ridiculous going on like this, but I like I said…I didn’t think I’d still be struggling so much with it at this point. January and February were tough, March was pretty much a turning point towards optimism, and in April, I thought I was finally better. The month of May has kind of been a step back. And I know that’s okay when you’re dealing with a significant life event. Still doesn’t make it easier, though…

Please pray for me. (I’ll return the favor.)

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Confession #2

And my confessions continue….
Let me first just say that I do not intend to make anyone feel bad, as these are thoughts I sometimes have. The devil is just pestering me, that’s all. (Pray for me please.)

Confession #2
Sometimes it’s really hard to be happy for other people. I know several women who are pregnant right now, and even more who actually have kids. While I am certainly happy for them, half of me has all of these questions rolling through my mind: When is it going to be my turn? How can I be so happy for someone who has something I lost? Even though I am fully aware of the fact that some of these women may have actually lost a pregnancy (or more) and understand the pain involved with it, I still can’t help but think… but they got their happy ending. I don’t know if the same will happen to me. Chances are I will be able to successfully conceive and carry a baby to term, but it still doesn’t erase the possibility of me not being able to. If that makes any sense. It’s also like I know how ridiculous I may sound. For example – I know of women who’ve experienced pregnancy loss, but most of them already had children. Even though I know, without a doubt, that losing a baby is tough no matter how many children you already have, no matter how long you were pregnant, and no matter how the loss occurred. But still, I can’t help but think…but at least they already had a baby before. It’s stupid really, I know. And I’m trying not to think all of these things. Hopefully getting this off my chest will help.

And as always, your prayers are greatly appreciated.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Confessions

I have a confession to make. A few, actually. There have been some things I’ve been struggling with lately, and I haven’t been writing about them for fear of appearing absolutely ridiculous. But then I realized that not writing about them kind of defeats the whole purpose of why this blog was created – for Logan and I to share our thoughts, feelings, etc. about losing a baby, in order to help people understand what we may be going through – and also to help anyone else who may be going through a similar situation. So, this week I’m going to attempt to explain myself without looking too much like a crazy person. And if I do sound crazy (which I probably will, since these are things I’ve only told Logan), well…worse things could happen. Wish me luck….

Confession #1
I don’t know if I want to be pregnant anymore. Yeah, you read that right. The thought of being pregnant again just really freaks me out. I thought I was ready, and so Easter marked the beginning of Logan and I “trying to conceive.” But after a month of obsessing over it, last week (while being at a time of the month where I most likely can’t get pregnant) I realized that I was somewhat relieved. There was no worrying about whether or not I’d get pregnant, or obsessing over trying so hard to get pregnant. I was just…me. I liked not stressing. I liked not worrying. It’s just a catch-22, because I have this huge desire to have children. Gotta be pregnant to have kids (in most cases). Stressing over getting pregnant is bad enough…what is stressing over actually being pregnant going to be like? I know you’re probably thinking, well, just wait until you’re ready to be pregnant. That’s the thing – I don’t know if there will ever be a time that I’m 100% ready. There’s always going to be the thought in the back of my mind of the same thing happening as last time. That, my friends, is terrifying. But, on the other hand, waiting too long to have babies will make my next confession even worse…(I’ll save that for another day)

And one more thing...I know that a lot of people are often told, “You’re young; you have time” (thankfully, nobody has told me that). It is not my intention to make anyone who has said this feel bad, but…it doesn’t matter if you’re 23 or 43, not having kids when you feel the desire to is tough. Having all of the time in the world doesn’t ease that pain.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day

It's a strange thing, celebrating your first official Mother's Day without having your child with you. But, I find consolation in the fact that my son is in a much better place right now. He had the perfect life, and for that, I am grateful.

Today I think about all of the women who are mothers, but for one reason or another, don't have their child/children with them on earth. I hope they are as fortunate as me to be surrounded with people who love them, so as to somewhat ease their pain on this day that may be a source of grief.

Today I think about all of the women who desire to be mothers, but for one reason or another, have not yet conceived. I pray they keep their eyes heavenward and trust in God's timing.

Today I think about all of the women who are single mothers (for one reason or another) who are finding motherhood to be more difficult at this time in their lives. I pray that God's grace sustain them each and every day.

Today I think about my son, Levi, who never got to see his earthly mother's face. But it is his presence in heaven that keeps me going. That little boy is quite the prayer warrior.

I hope you all have a wonderful Mother's Day.

Blessed Mother of God, pray for us.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

4 months have come and gone

It's hard to believe 4 months have passed, but yesterday was Levi's due date. And well, it was every bit as tough as you might expect (thankfully, though, it landed on a weekend when I didn't have to work). Logan and I were both in pretty rotten moods at one point, for more than just the obvious reason that we don't have a baby to hold. We were able to go to confession though, so that helped. I have to say, I'm starting to get quite annoyed with all of these ironic things that happen. For anybody that has tried to conceive, a menstrual period (sorry if it's TMI, guys) is just another reminder that you're not pregnant. And lo and behold, I started my period. Yesterday. On Levi's due date. WHAT ARE THE ODDS, PEOPLE?? My raging hormones certainly didn't help with the whole emotional part of everything. Logan and I went to a wedding last night and I cried through half of the ceremony (which is SO unlike me...I didn't even cry at my own wedding!). But, I survived the day. And now I get to look forward to Mother's Day next weekend. Sigh.

"It is necessary for us to undergo many hardships to enter the kingdom of God." - Acts 4:22

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Quote of the Day

After telling Logan he likes to spend money (I mean, really, wanting to buy a snowball everyday is just a little much), he says - and this is a direct quote - "I don't like to spend money. I just like what money gets me!"

And THAT is why I married the man.

Happy feast day of St. Gianna!!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Folic acid....ahhh....

One of my prescriptions is backordered (the folic acid). The other option was even more expensive, and after a day of craziness and my doctor calling me twice, he and the specialist are now saying that I can just take over-the-counter folic acid. Good thing is I'll be saving $100 a month, but I still am confused about the whole thing because they said in the beginning that OTC folic acid would not work as well. Which makes sense if I really do have a problem with metabolizing the darn stuff. But whatever. I'm just trusting my doctors at this point and trying not to be paranoid about losing another pregnancy in the future.

I'm currently reading Dr. Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages. I've actually been having it for a long time but never got around to reading it (thank you, nursing school). Even though I'm not quite halfway through, I'd recommend it. It's such a simple concept that probably saves a lot of marriages. When Logan and I were talking about which love languages were our top ones, I said how acts of service was my #1. His response? (Rolling his eyes) "Yeah, yours would be acts of service...." Oh, gotta love him. :)

Monday, April 19, 2010

Almost May already??

Can you believe it's almost May? Oh my goodness. Time flies.

Levi's due date was May 1st. So, I was supposed to be 38 weeks pregnant, which means I could have been giving birth to a healthy baby boy pretty much any day now. And to think that it's not going to happen anymore...well, it sucks. Really sucks. I'm good now, but a few days ago I just had one of those I-just-wanna-stay-home-and-cry days. Those moments don't happen too often anymore, which is good, because back in January I thought I would be a miserable woman for the rest of my life. God's grace is pretty powerful.

Tonight, Logan and I are starting a novena to St. Gianna Molla. If you aren't familiar with her, check out her story here . She's an awesome witness to the dignity of human life and has been one of my favorite saints ever since I read about her. And turns out, women who are trying to conceive often ask for St. Gianna's intercession. If you want to pray the novena too, please join us! Her feast day is next Wednesday. :)

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Oh, irony...

Here are some random things about my life lately, some ironic and some not-so-ironic.

  • I've been invited to a baby shower on Levi's due date. Go figure. I'm not mad, since I know they didn't know.  But now I'm wondering what to do about it. While I really want to go (since it's for a good friend), I haven't decided yet on whether or not it'd be a good idea. Because really, I don't want to run out in tears or something. Any thoughts?
  • Only 2 public schools were cancelled today, and I work at both of them. Yeahhhh.
  • Logan and I did some major spring cleaning this past weekend, leaving me nothing to do on my unexpected day off...or so I thought. I haven't been bored yet!
  • My soccer team won another game this weekend. Woo hoo! Apparently my coaching skills are better than I thought. The parents are really starting to like me. :)
  • I was going to appeal the insurance company about my prescriptions, but the only evidence I have is my lab work and a note from a perinatologist saying that she recommends me take Neevo and Zervalx. Nothing about my A1289C gene mutation causing a folic acid deficiency. Makes me wonder if it's all just a theory...seriously, google that crap and nowhere will you find that MTHFR A1298C impairs folic acid absorption. Grrr. (Sorry if that doesn't make sense; I don't feel like going more in-depth with it)
  • This weekend begins a parade of weddings for us. Logan and I were invited to 5 weddings all within 10 weeks of each other. Nice way to lead up to our 1-year anniversary!

It's been a pretty good couple of weeks. I'm finally back to where I was spiritually before I lost Levi, and well, as long as my relationship with God is good, everything else just does't seem so bad.


Monday, April 12, 2010

Results!

This past Saturday was the 5k (3.1 miles) bridge run that I've been trying to do for years now.  If you remember my previous post, my goal for the run was to finish it in 23 minutes.  Leading up to the run, I realistically set a backup goal for doing it under 25 minutes.  Anyway...I finished it in 23 minutes and 10 seconds!  I was 75th among the men....I'm not sure how many guys were in the race but I know it was way more than 75, so that makes me feel good.  After the race, I felt great and wanted to do it again actually.  I enjoyed it a lot...and it wasn't as intimidating as I had imagined.  My friend Alex tells me there is another 5k race coming up at the end of April in New Orleans....so I'm thinking about doing that as well. 

On another note, I've been really thinking of making an official business for myself.  If you don't know what I do, the business would be a videography company, along with slideshows and other such video related things.  Anyway....I'm trying to come up with a name for my company.  Something that either ends with Videography or Productions.  I have some names that have been thrown out there in which I would appreciate any input and other suggestions:

Logan Anthony Videography
12.29.Productions
Eclipse Videography: We cover it all!

Feel free to leave your input!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Trying Again

So, Logan and I have begun to try to conceive again. I thought I'd be a nervous wreck, and I made several assumptions about how I might be during this whole process...and turns out I was wrong about pretty much everything. But, we are only a few days into it, so I know that I may very well become crazy if it takes a long time to get pregnant again (which I really hope won't happen, but it is what it is). I thought the possibility of me being pregnant soon would make me nervous, but it hasn't...not yet, anyway. And I thought I'd be stressing over trying so much that I wouldn't be able to enjoy the process...wrong again (whew! :) ). I've read and heard so many things about women going crazy while trying to get pregnant again after a miscarriage or stillbirth or death of an infant, and I think I was just assuming the worst. Thankfully, I don't foresee myself losing my mind over it - unless, of course, it takes longer than I was expecting to get pregnant. I must have quite a few people doing some serious prayers for my sanity. If you're one of them....mucho gracias. May God bless you! And keep those prayers coming!

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Soccer!

This past month I started to help coach a U-11 girls' soccer team. While they have potential, there is MUCH room for improvement....the movie The Big Green often comes to mind (you should see it if you haven't already - an oldie but goodie). Like seriously. We had a soccer tournament this past weekend, and both games on Saturday were pretty close to horrible (as in I lost track of the score because it was so bad). Buuuut, our game on Sunday gave me a glimmer of hope....we won! It's pretty rewarding to coach a team and see improvement every time they play. It's even better to actually enjoy every practice and have fun while coaching. I don't know why I didn't do this before.

I often think about what my life would be like if I was still pregnant. I would have been 8 months along, and while I still wish I would have been spared the heartbreak of losing the pregnancy, I am fully aware of the fact that many good things have come from it. A closer relationship with Logan and an increased faith in God ranks up at the top, but then there's the other things...like a greater appreciation for little babies. And the fact that we have a little guy praying for us 24-7. And the opportunity to coach soccer. God knows I wouldn't be coaching right now if I was going to have a baby in the next month. I could probably make a list of positive things that have come from what originally appeared to be a tragedy (and will forever be in my mind the worst day of my life), but let's just leave it at the fact that God's timing is so much better than ours. I need to be reminded of that often as Logan and I start trying to conceive again soon. And just so you know (since I've had people ask if I'm ready to get pregnant again), I am in a good place right now, emotionally and physically. I wouldn't put myself through a possible subsequent pregnancy if I didn't think I was ready.

I hope everyone has a blessed Easter Triduum!

Monday, March 29, 2010

Puppies, coupons, and Easter Break

So, Logan and I decided not to keep the puppy. While he was way cute and I fell in the love with the little guy, it's just too much to put up with in a house without a yard. Plus, Logan and I tend to be gone rather often during the week. And then you've got to think about if we get pregnant soon - I'd much rather take care of a baby!

I've been spending more time figuring out a budget and being more frugal with my grocery shopping. It really pays off too, sometimes. This morning I bought 2 sticks of deodorant for 17 cents! (Go me!) Since we don't have a newspaper subscription, I just print coupons and look at weekly ads (i.e. Winn-Dixie) online. There's also a million blogs/websites that give tips on how to save money. It's been working so far!

I have all week off work due to the Easter holidays, which is awesome (thank you, public school system!). I have a pretty long to-do list that I've already gotten started on. And, in addition to that, somehow I already have something planned for every day this week. How does that always happen??

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Meet Shockey!

Logan and I have a special visitor this weekend....meet Shockey!
Yes, he's partly named after Jeremy Shockey, tight end for the Saints. One of my friend's mom is giving him away, so we're keeping him for a couple of days to see if we want him for good. He's super cute, listens well (usually), is potty-trained, and best of all - FREE. Logan and I have been wanting a dog since we got married, but just never decided if we wanted to invest the time and money in one. Shockey is almost 4 months old, and we'd get everything we need for free (dog bed, collar, leash, crate, toys, etc.). He's updated on his shots and everything, so we'd just have to buy food and heartworm medicine (but not right away, since he still has a supply of both). All of the previously paid expenses is why we're considering keeping him. But, we're not deciding until tomorrow. He sure is cute though!

Shockey has made quite a few friends already, including Logan's parents' 2 dogs (which are also daschunds) and our neighbor's puppy that they're just fostering over the weekend to see if they want to keep him for good. Funny how we're both considering a dog on the same weekend, eh? Anyway, Toby is our neighbor's foster dog. He's super cute too...
We're told that he's 6 weeks old and a mix between a beagle and a collie. Toby and Shockey hit it off pretty well. We'll see if they'll get to be friends for more than just this weekend!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Here we go again

Once again, I feel the need to clarify something I posted (you'd think I wouldn't have the whole foot-in-mouth syndrome writing on a blog, but leave it to me...). On Monday, I said:
Guess I just convinced myself that we're going to be poor for the rest of our lives, so might as well accept it.
Let me explain.

I said this - on a whim - thinking about the money we'll have to spend both while trying to get pregant and when I actually am pregnant (between the prescriptions and seeing 2 doctors). Add into the equation that I want a lot of children. That'll cost a pretty penny. But, it will no doubt be worth every cent we pay, because children are HUGE blessings and add more joy to someone's life than having all the money in the world.

That being said, I made it seem like being "poor" was terrible. Let me first say that I shouldn't have even said it in the first place, because Logan and I are in no way poor. Yes, we have bills. And yes, if there comes a time where I do not work, money may get tight. But we are not - and never will be - "poor." No matter what our financial situation is, we are rich because of the relationship we have with God, each other, our family, and our friends. I don't mean to sound cliche, either. I just think it's important not to base your "wealth" on just money or material things. So, my apologies for making that statement. What I should have said is that I'm coming to terms with the fact that Logan and I will probably never have an abundance of money - which is okay, because it's a simpler way to live. We don't have our own house (yet) or cable TV or fancy cell phones and we don't plan on buying a new car until one of ours dies (or we need a bigger family vehicle). We don't eat out often and we usually don't go to movies unless we have a gift card. And all of that is fine...I'm much happier staying home with my hubby and playing Scrabble while watching American Idol. Not everyone has that luxury.

"Contentment is being able to come to terms with where you are and what’s going on in your life, even if it’s not what you would have chosen for yourself. Being content means being free to count your blessings and look for joy in your circumstances, whatever they may be." - Nancy Twigg

Monday, March 22, 2010

Optimism

Oh, it's going to be a good week. Why? No clue. It's just this new thing I'm trying to do - be optimistic! I guess I just have things to look forward to...I have next week off work (gotta love the public school system), and Easter is coming soon, and Logan and I have our special date night in less than 2 weeks, and well...let's just say I'm feeling much better about life. I still haven't the slightest clue about what the future holds, but oh well. Guess I just convinced myself that we're going to be poor for the rest of our lives, so might as well accept it. What I do know is that I've been blessed with some pretty awesome people in my life. So, God is good.

Sorry if this was completely random. I could use a nap.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Another setback, but more encouragement

Yesterday I found out that the prenatal vitamin (Neevo) and folic acid supplement (Zervalx) that I need to take are not covered by insurance. They're prescription, but the insurance company just sees them as vitamins (so much for "medical necessity"). Now, it wouldn't be that big of a deal if they were cheap. Unfortunately, they are rather expensive. I called the high-risk doctor to see if there were any generic forms that would work, and while I could use an OTC folic acid supplement, it wouldn't have the same effect. Same with the prenatal vitamin. (I think the prescription ones have an active form of folic acid that I need since my body doesn't metabolize the other form.) Logan and I both do not want to risk having another pregnancy loss just because we went the cheap way and it ended up not working. Because really, I would go crazy. So, for now we're having to suck it up and pay the bills (like we don't have enough) while we look into filing a dispute or whatnot with our lovely insurance company.

All sarcasm aside, I love when God gives you random messages and it ends up being exactly what you need to hear at the time (God is cool like that). I came across this last night and figured I'd share, in case it encourages you as much as it did Logan and me...(written by St. Jeanne de Chantal)

"Never give way to the desire to be liberated from your difficulties. This is a privilege, which is from God in order to make you perfect in every virtue. It is a reward and not a punishment, make no doubt of this. What God desires is that you bear this burden patiently, with complete surrender to his holy good pleasure.

Hold your eyes on God and leave the doing to him. That is all the doing you have to worry about, and the only activity which God asks of you and towards which it is he alone who is drawing you.

One thing alone is necessary: It is to have God. In short, then, no matter what is going on, we must hold both our attention and our love on God, not wasting our time in studying what is happening to ourselves, nor what is its cause. Our Lord asks this of us."

St. Joseph, pray for us!

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