"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Friday, January 29, 2010

29th

It didn't take me long after I woke up to realize that today's date was the 29th...which means it's been a month since Levi died. When I told Logan that today makes a month, he immediately responded, "I know." Sometimes I think our brains are connected. I don't know if it's because of the whole 1-month thing, or if it's just one of those days, but today's been a bit emotional for me (and after having such a good week...dang). All comes with the grief process, I'm quickly learning.

My doctor told me to take some time off work after everything happened, so I haven't worked this entire month. I start back on Monday. I'm a bit nervous about it, even though I love my job, because I've only talked to one co-worker since. Everyone knows, I think, but I just feel weird about it. Can't really explain it. I work at 2 elementary schools, so there's also the fear about the little kids asking me questions. From what the school nurse told me, they've talked to the kids about it, but you just can never predict what a little kid might do/say. I spend most of my workday in a class of 1st graders (one of them is a diabetic that I monitor), and they were so excited about me having a baby - always asking me questions and telling me they couldn't wait until I had the baby. So, I don't know what to think. I just hope I don't break down crying in a corner somewhere. At least the bathroom is always a good escape!

4 comments:

  1. Jen,

    I hope today went well for you! Going back to work will be hard but also a step toward getting back into a routine and it will help take your mind off of things and get you thinking about what lies in the future.
    Roxanne

    ReplyDelete
  2. I truly know what both of you are going through. It's going to be an upward climb with a few stumbles along the way. I have had the same feelings as you when I lost my baby. I cried almost every day for a while an I wondered if the tears would ever stop, at times I felt awkward as if everyone was looking and talking about me. Friend and family sometimes seem to say the wrong things, trying to find the right words to comfort you, they mean well,but dont understand unless they have experienced a loss themselves, everyone wil tell you that you are young and can try again, but that is not the words you want to hear. There is a hole in your heart from the loss of Levi, trust me only time and God can heal this. It has beem 7 years since my loss and I still think of the baby girl I lost, but the hole has been filled by Gods love and I feel I now know why this happened, It was to bring me closer to God, a relationship that I had taken for granted. I hope that sharing my experience can give you some comfort to know that these feeling that you have are normal and that my thoughts and prayers are with both of you. Just remember time will heal both of your broken hearts. Tina

    ReplyDelete
  3. All I can say to you guys is that I know how you are feeling right now because I have been through it. You wonder if they tears will ever stop flowing and if you will stop feeling just sad and some times a little awkward. Yes the tears will stop and the sadness will go away and that awkwardness will change. But all of this take time and a lot of it.We all often wonder why bad things happen to good people, but some how I think it is part of our growth process at least it was for me and my family. Now looking back on my loss I can see that it has only made me have a closer relationship with God. It has been 7 years since my loss an I still think about the baby that was supposed to be named Caroline. In time God will fill that hole in your heart and you will be stronger than you were before, but it does take time to heal, and plenty of it.My thoughts and prayer have been with you ever since Logan sent the prayer request for baby Levi.
    God Bless, Tina

    ReplyDelete
  4. All I can say to you guys is that I know how you are feeling right now because I have been through it. You wonder if they tears will ever stop flowing and if you will stop feeling just sad and some times a little awkward. Yes the tears will stop and the sadness will go away and that awkwardness will change. But all of this take time and a lot of it.We all often wonder why bad things happen to good people, but some how I think it is part of our growth process at least it was for me and my family. Now looking back on my loss I can see that it has only made me have a closer relationship with God. It has been 7 years since my loss an I still think about the baby that was supposed to be named Caroline. In time God will fill that hole in your heart and you will be stronger than you were before, but it does take time to heal, and plenty of it.My thoughts and prayer have been with you ever since Logan sent the prayer request for baby Levi.
    God Bless, Tina

    ReplyDelete

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