"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Monday, January 25, 2010

A Not-so-happy New Year

Logan didn't waste anytime sharing his excitement about the Saints' big win. I have to admit, it's pretty awesome! We witnessed history. But boy, I nearly had a heart attack doing so. That game couldn't have been any closer.

I said yesterday that I would recap our recent experience we had a few weeks ago - it'll be 4 weeks tomorrow, actually. It's been a rather difficult 4 weeks, but we never doubted that God ultimately has a bigger plan for us. I say all the time that "everything happens for a reason," and while I still believe it's true, it's a heck of a lot more difficult to say that when your world has been shaken up. I've struggled a lot lately - physically, emotionally, and spiritually - and I honestly didn't know if it would ever get any better. Being a Catholic, though, I received the Sacrament of Reconciliation (AKA confession) 2 days ago, and the grace that comes with it has been a lifesaver. Yesterday was the 1st day I haven't cried since everything happened, because I finally feel a sense of hope. I don't expect to be 100% better anytime soon (or ever, actually), but at least I'm on the road to recovery. Okay, enough stalling - on to the recap...

It started on the Monday night after Christmas. I was about 5 months pregnant (22 weeks along). After 4 months of a seemingly perfect pregnancy, Logan and I ended up at the hospital because I was bleeding and in pain. We were admitted just after 1:00 a.m. It was the longest night of my life, and since the whole story would take up entirely too much of your time, I'll make it short (I have my own personal journal that I wrote about everything in, and it took several pages). Despite the medical team's efforts to stop my contractions, prevent my water bag from breaking, and to keep my baby in my womb for as long as possible, nothing worked out the way we wanted. I ended up having to deliver my baby at 7:37 a.m., and I distinctly remember the doctor's words after I pushed little Levi out: "There's no heartbeat." Now, I'm a registered nurse, so I was fully aware of the possibility that we could lose our son. Plus, I could see it on the nurses' faces every time they walked in the room - which was several times throughout the night, especially when things made a turn for the worse. Since this was our first child, though, I was still hoping that maybe God would create a miracle. That, however, didn't happen. Immediately after delivery, I was put under so my doctor could perform a D&C to make sure all of the placenta was out. It wasn't until a few hours later, when I was fully awake, that we had the opportunity to hold our son's body. I was rather emotional, as you can imagine - it was just 12 hours earlier that my life was close to perfect (wonderful husband, pregnant, good job, etc.), and now I was holding my dead son. Little Levi, all 1 pound and 3 ounces of him, was perfect. He looked like he was just sleeping, and I wanted more than anything for him to open his eyes. That whole night and the following weeks felt like a terrible nightmare, and up until 2 days ago, I kept hoping I would just wake up from it all and find out none of it happened. It certainly has happened, though, and thankfully, Logan and I have been blessed with some pretty amazing family and friends. And to all of you, we thank you and we love you.

We're in the process of trying to figure out just what went wrong with the pregnancy. My doctor is pretty sure I had a placental abruption (placenta detached from my uterus) because there was a huge clot underneath the placenta. Now we're ruling out what may have caused the abruption. I had a follow-up on the 13th, and I had blood drawn to see if I have lupus or another autoimmune disease, which is known to cause abruptions. I go back to the doctor on February 10th, so hopefully we can rule out an autoimmune condition. Another idea is that I may have an incompetent cervix (dilates prematurely), which then caused the abruption. That would not be good either, because I'd probably need a cerclage (procedure to stitch close the cervix), and even with that, I could end up on bedrest. Regardless of the cause, subsequent pregnancies will probably not be easy. It'd be nice if my case was just some sort of fluke, though. Even if it was, I still can't help but think I'm going to be a complete mess if we manage to get pregnant again. I don't want the same thing to happen, and assuming I carry the next pregnancy to term, I'll probably have flashbacks to my first labor and delivery experience (as a patient), which was not very pleasant. At least I have awhile to get my mind right, because my doctor said to wait 3 or 4 months before trying to get pregnant again - he told me my uterus needs to rest. It's a little bittersweet, because while I know I need some time to recovery both physically and mentally, I really want children. I was supposed to have a baby to take care of in 3 months, and now I have to wait at least a year.

I apologize for typing so much - there's just a lot that's gone through my head the past few weeks that I tried to fit too much in one post. I'm sorry! I hope you enjoy reading my crazy thoughts, though, because there's a good chance you won't get me to say it aloud (which is one of the reasons this blog exists). I'd much rather write than talk...

1 comment:

  1. Jen and Logan,
    We are so sorry for the loss of Levi. Losing a child is such a hard and mind boggling thing to go through, but you have the support of wonderful in-laws, parents, and friends. Please let us know if we can do anything to help. I have had my share of loss so I completely understand your situation and the emotional roller coaster you are going through. Please know that things always happen for a reason and there will eventually be an upside in this lesson from God.
    Love the bergeron family!


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