"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Truth is...

I randomly came across this book recently, and all I can say is that it’s a God thing. It’s called I Will Carry You and is written by Angie Smith, who found out during a pregnancy that her child was basically “incompatible with life.” Even though it was suggested to them that they terminate the pregnancy, she and her husband decided to continue with it, despite knowing their daughter would not survive outside the womb (praise God for their awesome witness to the dignity of life). I’m not finished reading it, but already it’s been extremely helpful. It’s always comforting to read words from someone who has also experienced a loss with pregnancy; thoughts I’ve had don’t seem as crazy when you find out other people have thought the same things (if that makes any sense). This book, as well as random other things that have come up in my life lately, have made me more aware of other people’s situations. You just never know what other people are going through, whether it’s a death in the family or a battle with cancer or vocation discernment or just plain not knowing what the heck they’re supposed to do next in life. We tend to take things for granted – I know I’m just as guilty as the next person. That’s an important thing to realize, especially for me, since I kind of went into a self-pity phase for a little while. Truth is, I have a lot to be thankful for. I know I haven’t been blessed with a healthy baby yet, but there are a lot of other things I have going for me that not necessarily everyone else has (wonderful husband, great friends and family, roof over my head, food…you get the picture). Sometimes it’s entirely too easy to focus on what you don’t have instead of what you do have.

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast to our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has similarly been tested in every way, yet without sin. So let us confidently approach the throne of grace to receive mercy and to find grace for timely help.” – Hebrews 4:14-16

Friday, May 14, 2010

Confession #3

Well, this isn’t really a confession, but more of something I’ve realized…which may be the reason that I’ve been struggling more lately.

And before I start, I want to mention that I hesitate every single time I go to post an entry, especially this week (ask Logan, he knows). It’s just that I’m not used to sharing some of these things with people other than Logan, my immediate family, and my best friends. And I know I don’t have to share, but for some reason I feel like I should. Not sure why I wanted to say this now…maybe because what you’re about to read really made me cry while I was typing it. 

Confession #3
Not long after we lost Levi, I remember telling my mom that it was going to be tough up until his due date. And it was. But I thought that after the due date passed that I was going to get better. Don’t know what made me think that, really…I guess I figured I’d be able to move on after I got through that last significant date (other than the year anniversary of his death, of course). Well, I was wrong. Almost the opposite happened. Before his due date, I had to deal with the fact that I wasn’t pregnant anymore. After his due date, I still had to deal with the fact that I wasn’t pregnant anymore – in addition to dealing with the fact that I didn’t have a baby like I had been expecting for the 5 months I was pregnant. To carry a baby in you for that long and to have him taken away so suddenly….well, it sucks. And lately I’ve kind of been reminded of it even more. Because really, Levi would have been with us by now. What I wouldn’t give to be waking up every hour during the night to feed him or to be changing endless diapers. I shouldn’t be going to work every morning - I should be taking care of my baby. But I’m not. And I probably sound pretty ridiculous going on like this, but I like I said…I didn’t think I’d still be struggling so much with it at this point. January and February were tough, March was pretty much a turning point towards optimism, and in April, I thought I was finally better. The month of May has kind of been a step back. And I know that’s okay when you’re dealing with a significant life event. Still doesn’t make it easier, though…

Please pray for me. (I’ll return the favor.)

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Confession #2

And my confessions continue….
Let me first just say that I do not intend to make anyone feel bad, as these are thoughts I sometimes have. The devil is just pestering me, that’s all. (Pray for me please.)

Confession #2
Sometimes it’s really hard to be happy for other people. I know several women who are pregnant right now, and even more who actually have kids. While I am certainly happy for them, half of me has all of these questions rolling through my mind: When is it going to be my turn? How can I be so happy for someone who has something I lost? Even though I am fully aware of the fact that some of these women may have actually lost a pregnancy (or more) and understand the pain involved with it, I still can’t help but think… but they got their happy ending. I don’t know if the same will happen to me. Chances are I will be able to successfully conceive and carry a baby to term, but it still doesn’t erase the possibility of me not being able to. If that makes any sense. It’s also like I know how ridiculous I may sound. For example – I know of women who’ve experienced pregnancy loss, but most of them already had children. Even though I know, without a doubt, that losing a baby is tough no matter how many children you already have, no matter how long you were pregnant, and no matter how the loss occurred. But still, I can’t help but think…but at least they already had a baby before. It’s stupid really, I know. And I’m trying not to think all of these things. Hopefully getting this off my chest will help.

And as always, your prayers are greatly appreciated.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


I have a confession to make. A few, actually. There have been some things I’ve been struggling with lately, and I haven’t been writing about them for fear of appearing absolutely ridiculous. But then I realized that not writing about them kind of defeats the whole purpose of why this blog was created – for Logan and I to share our thoughts, feelings, etc. about losing a baby, in order to help people understand what we may be going through – and also to help anyone else who may be going through a similar situation. So, this week I’m going to attempt to explain myself without looking too much like a crazy person. And if I do sound crazy (which I probably will, since these are things I’ve only told Logan), well…worse things could happen. Wish me luck….

Confession #1
I don’t know if I want to be pregnant anymore. Yeah, you read that right. The thought of being pregnant again just really freaks me out. I thought I was ready, and so Easter marked the beginning of Logan and I “trying to conceive.” But after a month of obsessing over it, last week (while being at a time of the month where I most likely can’t get pregnant) I realized that I was somewhat relieved. There was no worrying about whether or not I’d get pregnant, or obsessing over trying so hard to get pregnant. I was just…me. I liked not stressing. I liked not worrying. It’s just a catch-22, because I have this huge desire to have children. Gotta be pregnant to have kids (in most cases). Stressing over getting pregnant is bad enough…what is stressing over actually being pregnant going to be like? I know you’re probably thinking, well, just wait until you’re ready to be pregnant. That’s the thing – I don’t know if there will ever be a time that I’m 100% ready. There’s always going to be the thought in the back of my mind of the same thing happening as last time. That, my friends, is terrifying. But, on the other hand, waiting too long to have babies will make my next confession even worse…(I’ll save that for another day)

And one more thing...I know that a lot of people are often told, “You’re young; you have time” (thankfully, nobody has told me that). It is not my intention to make anyone who has said this feel bad, but…it doesn’t matter if you’re 23 or 43, not having kids when you feel the desire to is tough. Having all of the time in the world doesn’t ease that pain.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day

It's a strange thing, celebrating your first official Mother's Day without having your child with you. But, I find consolation in the fact that my son is in a much better place right now. He had the perfect life, and for that, I am grateful.

Today I think about all of the women who are mothers, but for one reason or another, don't have their child/children with them on earth. I hope they are as fortunate as me to be surrounded with people who love them, so as to somewhat ease their pain on this day that may be a source of grief.

Today I think about all of the women who desire to be mothers, but for one reason or another, have not yet conceived. I pray they keep their eyes heavenward and trust in God's timing.

Today I think about all of the women who are single mothers (for one reason or another) who are finding motherhood to be more difficult at this time in their lives. I pray that God's grace sustain them each and every day.

Today I think about my son, Levi, who never got to see his earthly mother's face. But it is his presence in heaven that keeps me going. That little boy is quite the prayer warrior.

I hope you all have a wonderful Mother's Day.

Blessed Mother of God, pray for us.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

4 months have come and gone

It's hard to believe 4 months have passed, but yesterday was Levi's due date. And well, it was every bit as tough as you might expect (thankfully, though, it landed on a weekend when I didn't have to work). Logan and I were both in pretty rotten moods at one point, for more than just the obvious reason that we don't have a baby to hold. We were able to go to confession though, so that helped. I have to say, I'm starting to get quite annoyed with all of these ironic things that happen. For anybody that has tried to conceive, a menstrual period (sorry if it's TMI, guys) is just another reminder that you're not pregnant. And lo and behold, I started my period. Yesterday. On Levi's due date. WHAT ARE THE ODDS, PEOPLE?? My raging hormones certainly didn't help with the whole emotional part of everything. Logan and I went to a wedding last night and I cried through half of the ceremony (which is SO unlike me...I didn't even cry at my own wedding!). But, I survived the day. And now I get to look forward to Mother's Day next weekend. Sigh.

"It is necessary for us to undergo many hardships to enter the kingdom of God." - Acts 4:22


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