And before I start, I want to mention that I hesitate every single time I go to post an entry, especially this week (ask Logan, he knows). It’s just that I’m not used to sharing some of these things with people other than Logan, my immediate family, and my best friends. And I know I don’t have to share, but for some reason I feel like I should. Not sure why I wanted to say this now…maybe because what you’re about to read really made me cry while I was typing it.
Not long after we lost Levi, I remember telling my mom that it was going to be tough up until his due date. And it was. But I thought that after the due date passed that I was going to get better. Don’t know what made me think that, really…I guess I figured I’d be able to move on after I got through that last significant date (other than the year anniversary of his death, of course). Well, I was wrong. Almost the opposite happened. Before his due date, I had to deal with the fact that I wasn’t pregnant anymore. After his due date, I still had to deal with the fact that I wasn’t pregnant anymore – in addition to dealing with the fact that I didn’t have a baby like I had been expecting for the 5 months I was pregnant. To carry a baby in you for that long and to have him taken away so suddenly….well, it sucks. And lately I’ve kind of been reminded of it even more. Because really, Levi would have been with us by now. What I wouldn’t give to be waking up every hour during the night to feed him or to be changing endless diapers. I shouldn’t be going to work every morning - I should be taking care of my baby. But I’m not. And I probably sound pretty ridiculous going on like this, but I like I said…I didn’t think I’d still be struggling so much with it at this point. January and February were tough, March was pretty much a turning point towards optimism, and in April, I thought I was finally better. The month of May has kind of been a step back. And I know that’s okay when you’re dealing with a significant life event. Still doesn’t make it easier, though…
Please pray for me. (I’ll return the favor.)