"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Confessions

I have a confession to make. A few, actually. There have been some things I’ve been struggling with lately, and I haven’t been writing about them for fear of appearing absolutely ridiculous. But then I realized that not writing about them kind of defeats the whole purpose of why this blog was created – for Logan and I to share our thoughts, feelings, etc. about losing a baby, in order to help people understand what we may be going through – and also to help anyone else who may be going through a similar situation. So, this week I’m going to attempt to explain myself without looking too much like a crazy person. And if I do sound crazy (which I probably will, since these are things I’ve only told Logan), well…worse things could happen. Wish me luck….

Confession #1
I don’t know if I want to be pregnant anymore. Yeah, you read that right. The thought of being pregnant again just really freaks me out. I thought I was ready, and so Easter marked the beginning of Logan and I “trying to conceive.” But after a month of obsessing over it, last week (while being at a time of the month where I most likely can’t get pregnant) I realized that I was somewhat relieved. There was no worrying about whether or not I’d get pregnant, or obsessing over trying so hard to get pregnant. I was just…me. I liked not stressing. I liked not worrying. It’s just a catch-22, because I have this huge desire to have children. Gotta be pregnant to have kids (in most cases). Stressing over getting pregnant is bad enough…what is stressing over actually being pregnant going to be like? I know you’re probably thinking, well, just wait until you’re ready to be pregnant. That’s the thing – I don’t know if there will ever be a time that I’m 100% ready. There’s always going to be the thought in the back of my mind of the same thing happening as last time. That, my friends, is terrifying. But, on the other hand, waiting too long to have babies will make my next confession even worse…(I’ll save that for another day)

And one more thing...I know that a lot of people are often told, “You’re young; you have time” (thankfully, nobody has told me that). It is not my intention to make anyone who has said this feel bad, but…it doesn’t matter if you’re 23 or 43, not having kids when you feel the desire to is tough. Having all of the time in the world doesn’t ease that pain.

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