I hate to admit it, but lately (as in the past few months), I've had a really hard time with finding contentment in my current situation. It's bad, I know, because I have the best husband and some really good friends and an awesome family and a place to live and a job I like (with the summer off!) and the people I love are healthy and...well, you get the point. But then I think about how much I really want children and how it's hard to see everyone else pregnant and having healthy babies when that's obviously not in the near future for me. After being a child of God and Logan's wife, the thing I desire more than anything is to be a mother. And to be denied that for the time being sucks - for lack of a better word. I've recently, though, had like a million epiphanies. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating, but it's like God is making things really clear for me. It actually makes me feel selfish and guilty and everything for taking over 6 months to realize some things. And whenever I do get pregnant again, if it happens, I don't want to feel guilty and think I don't deserve it for being so discontent with not being pregnant. That make sense? I hope so.
So, what have I realized? That losing Levi was not about just losing my son. It's about God wanting me to become holier and wanting me to be prepared for whatever else He has planned for me. Fact is, you can't become a better person without suffering first. It sucks, but it's true. And instead of wasting any more time on whining and complaining about not having what I think I need (i.e. baby), I need to focus on what God wants me to get out of this situation. I've always known that there's a reason for suffering, and that God won't give us more than we can handle, but it's difficult to think all of that when you've lost something so dear to you. I'm sure pretty much anyone can relate, in one way or another...which is the main reason I'm even writing this. God doesn't want us to suffer. But sometimes we need to experience some hard things in order to be prepared for something else that is to come. I may not ever know concrete reasons for why I had to go through what I went through, but I want to at least be able to say in a few years that I made the best of it - because honestly, I couldn't say that now. But I'm working on it.
We tend to look at the circumstances of life in terms of what they may do to our cherished hopes and convenience, and we shape our decisions and reactions accordingly. When a problem threatens, we rush to God, not to seek his perspective, but to ask him to deflect the trouble. Our self-concern takes priority over whatever it is that God might be trying to do through the trouble. - Arthur Matthews