"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Sunday, August 15, 2010

If they only knew...

There's a lot of things that come up in everyday conversation that most people wouldn't think is out of the ordinary. A prime example? Whenever someone finds out I'm married, the first thing they ask (99% of the time) is, "Do you have any kids?" Seems harmless to most people. But, you know what? I hate that question. I know people don't mean any harm by it, but when you don't have any children due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infertility, that question is like a stab in the heart. I feel like I can't be honest to people and tell them I have a son, because then I have to explain everything - and that's just awkward. But then I don't want to tell them no, that I don't have children, because then that's pretending Levi never existed. So, whenever people do ask if I have children, I usually just say, "We're working on it."  It's an honest answer, and it usually works out just fine.

Sometimes, though, people decide to put in their two cents. Being that Logan and I are relatively young and still newlyweds, some people find it hard to believe that we want children so soon. And unfortunately, I've had several people try to convince me to wait to have kids (last week I had 2 people within 24 hours do that! ugh). They make it sound like having children is more of a burden than anything. It takes everything in me not to flip out on them and tell them that I have a son in heaven praying for me 24-7 because I didn't wait, and that being open to life my entire marriage has been both liberating and joy-filled because it's what God intended. One day I'm afraid I won't be able to restrain myself from going off on someone, and sometimes I wonder if that wouldn't be such a bad thing - because then maybe they'd realize...

It makes me wonder how many times I've said things to people, not realizing I offended them or struck a deep hurt. Sigh.

You need endurance to do the will of God and receive what he has promised. - Hebrews 12:1

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