"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Monday, August 9, 2010

Reliving the past

For those of you who don't know, I've been keeping a journal for a few years now - sometimes I just write about what's going on in my life, but most of the time it's the way I express whatever thoughts and emotions I'm dealing with at the time. I highly recommend doing so, because it's pretty interesting to go back and read things you've written (sometimes it's embarrassing, too, but oh well). Exactly a year ago today, I wrote this:

I really want a baby. It’s starting to get hard watching other women with their babies because I’m really not sure if I can get pregnant. A couple of days ago, I was watching a movie where a couple had a baby and were in the hospital right after, adoring their cute little boy. My eyes welled up with tears, without warning, because I want that. I know Logan’s going to be a great father, and I’d like to think that I’ll be a good mom, and I know we’ll love having a baby together. So, I just pray that God heals whatever is wrong with me so Logan and I can do what we were called to do as a married couple – create new life together.

Now, at this point, Logan and I had only been married just shy of 2 months, so I realize how ridiculous it was to be a little impatient about not being pregnant. But, like I wrote, I wasn't sure if I could even get pregnant - due to previous problems and even the words of a doctor I had seen the year before. Lo and behold, though, the day after I wrote this....I became pregnant (I didn't find about until a couple weeks later, of course).  And well, I thought that was pretty cool, to write about really wanting a baby and then getting pregnant the next day without even realizing it until later. Unfortunately, things didn't end up the way I expected, but there's no point in dwelling on that now.

Being that tomorrow will make a year since I got pregnant with Levi, I've started to have some major flashbacks. It can make things a little difficult, especially when I'm trying to be content with not being pregnant (which is getting better for the most part, but going back to work has been challenging - more on that another day). I'm all too aware of special dates from being pregnant last fall - like the day I conceived, the day of my first doctor's appointment and ultrasound (September 18), the day I first felt Levi kick (Thanksgiving), and of course the day that I lost him (December 29), among other dates. Reliving all of those memories will be quite painful. But, I have no doubt that God will help me through it.

St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross, pray for us!
I accept joy or suffering, praise or humiliation, with the same disposition. I remember that one and the other are passing. - St. Faustina

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