"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Sunday, November 28, 2010

'Tis the Season

Thanksgiving has just flown by, it seems...but Logan and I had a wonderful holiday. We're feeling pretty darn blessed these days. :)

This is yet again one of those things that I reaaaallly don't want to talk about, but I kind of feel like I'm supposed to write about these things (sigh...). So, here goes.

With Thanksgiving came the start of the official "holiday season" - you know, since Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's happens all within 6 weeks of each other. Last year at this time, I was pregnant, which is super fun during the holidays for more than just the reason that you can eat like a pig and nobody can tell you anything. ;) Anyway, since this year I'm not pregnant, and I have no baby to show for my first pregnancy, it can make this whole holiday season a bit difficult at times. Because last year, we couldn't help but think about how this year we'd be celebrating with our little baby. I remember thinking on Christmas last year that as awesome as that day was, it'd be even better this year because we'd have our son in our arms, and not in my belly. I don't think I have to explain how much it hurts to not have a baby in my arms or in my belly. And to be honest, most days I'm okay with that. But it still hurts.

Today is the start of Advent, and usually I'm super excited about it. I still am, I guess, but today I realized it's going to be a lot harder than usual. Last year, it was pretty easy to get into the Advent mindset, so to speak, of waiting for the birth of Jesus. I was waiting on the birth of my own baby, so it was actually really cool to be able to relate to the Blessed Mother - both pregnant and waiting. And when I found out (on the feast of the Immaculate Conception, how cool!) I was having a boy,  it made it even better - you know, since Jesus was obviously a boy too. I felt extremely blessed to be able to celebrate Advent and Christmas while pregnant. This year is obviously quite different, and I don't know why, but I feel kind of out of it. Maybe because while I'm really trying to focus on the present and being prepared for the coming of Jesus, I can't help but have flashbacks from last year (seriously, sometimes I feel like I have a mild form of PTSD when it comes to my hospital experience). Since the anniversary of the day we lost Levi is coming up, all of those memories seem to be in overdrive some days. It really is hard to believe it's been almost a year since everything happened.

I wish I could just stop comparing last year to this year. Eh.

Wellllll, now that I have that off my chest...I'm off to decorate our Christmas tree. :)

So too, you also must be prepared, for at an hour you do not expect, the Son of Man will come. - Matthew 24:44

Monday, November 22, 2010

House Pictures - the Living Room

Our living room is rather large (yay!) and has a little dining area, but so far we've just used the table to play games and pay bills. :) This room is definitely my favorite so far...
Can we say ugly carpet? And those are not our chairs. Just saying.
The door with the window goes to the driveway and the door on the left wall goes to the garage
No more ugly carpet!
Pretty floor!

White walls for now...

Starting to paint (and I promise, just because you never see me in pictures, doesn't mean I didn't help ;))
Pretty walls!

St. Cecilia, pray for us!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Aging cream and growth supplements, anyone?

This might be a completely pointless post. Just warning you. I think I just need to vent, though.

I know I'm short. I know I look younger than my age. People must not realize I'm fully aware of these things, because I am constantly - and I mean everyday of my life, ahhhh - being told I look like a kid. A few examples from this past week or so...

  • "When I first saw you, I thought, man, that's a big 2nd-grader."
  • "I thought you were a teenager at first!"
  • "Are you home from college or are you still in high school?"
  • "I thought you were eleven."
  • "I'm taller than you!"
I think you get the point. I can completely understand getting mistaken for a college or high school student, and heck, even a middle school student. But a 2nd grader? Please.

And yes, I know looking young is going to be a really good thing in another 10-20 years. I'm fully aware of that too. So thank you, world, for making me even more aware of things I'm already aware of. I appreciate it. Let's hope Santa brings me some aging cream and growth supplements for Christmas.

Okay. End of rant. (And that last statement was totally a joke, by the way...I think)

On a much brighter note, I've also had several people tell me the past week or so that I look happier and that I'm much more fun to be around. Sometimes I wonder if I really did seem that depressed before. Ah, well. All is good for now - you know, other than people mistaking me for an elementary school student. :)

"Ever since I have given up all self-seeking, I lead the happiest life possible." - St. Therese of Lisieux

Monday, November 8, 2010

Only With God's Grace

For the past several days now, I've been, well...different. And I guess there's just no other way to put it than I did last week: I'm at peace with my current situation. It may not seem like a big deal to some people, but for me, it's freakin' awesome. I haven't felt this way in almost a year (go back and read our blog from the beginning if you don't believe me). I'm not constantly worrying about things, and I'm not trying to predict the future. I'm just simply living each day as it comes, not letting every little frustration get the best of me. Trust me, I'm not naive - I know this time of peace isn't going to last forever. And that's okay. I'm just grateful I've finally been able to let go of so many things in my life.  I've always known and said the right things, like God is control of my life and He knows what's best for me, etc., but saying that is one thing...and actually letting God control my life is another. I'm finally giving God the reins - or the wheel, or whatever you wish to call it - completely. And that has only been possible with God's abundant grace.

As always, thank you for your prayers. :)

"Grace, combined with insight and choice, is the means of change." - Father Benedict Groeschel

Saturday, November 6, 2010

House Pictures - the Study

As you all know, we bought a house. People have been asking to see pictures, and since it's been over a month (oops), I think it's finally time to post some. We're still painting and doing other things, and since I'm weird and don't want to show anything until it's completely done, you'll get to see the one and only completed room in the house: the study. Logan gets his video editing done in here, and once we put in a chair or something, it might be a reading area too. :) We pulled up carpet, put down laminate, and painted most of the downstairs, including this room. Check it out!

Ugly carpet...easy fix though!
Taking out the carpet
Pretty new floor!

Our new rug!

Painting...red is a difficult color...

 The living room will be next. :)

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Hi, I'm Melancholic

Logan and I have been trying to get pregnant for 7 months now. Considering it barely took 2 months to get pregnant the first time around, it's been a big lesson in patience and trusting in God's timing. I know 7 months is not very long, since many people try for years to conceive, but I think losing a baby before makes the waiting process seem that much longer. If that makes any sense. To be completely honest, Logan and I both had assumed I'd be pregnant again by now. And while it's a hard thing to grasp at times, especially in a world full of babies and pregnant women, we're doing okay, because we know we're exactly where God wants us to be.

Thanks to my lovely temperament, I have a tendency to freak out about things (I think it's appropriate to say that I "sweat the small stuff"). I worry a lot. I'm moody. I'm more pessimistic than optimistic, and I can be critical of myself and other people. And well, all of these things don't go very well when you're trying to get pregnant. I'd explain further, but since it's past my bedtime, I'll leave it up to your imagination. :) What I'm getting at is that I'm learning, every single day it seems, that I need to stop worrying so damn much, stop thinking about every possible scenario that could happen in the future, and start trusting that God will be with me every step of the way, no matter what happens. I know everything happens for a reason, and that God's timing is perfect, and [insert every faith-related cliche here], but my actions (i.e. worrying, being pessimistic) simply says otherwise. So, in an effort to "let go and let God" (sorry, last cliche, I promise), I am finally not obsessing over everything. In other words, I'm not keeping track of my cycles, I'm not taking my temperature every morning, and I'm just having a good ol' time with my husband, since that is what newlyweds are supposed to do. :) It all sounds rather simple, I know, but I'm stubborn - I mean, really...it took me 7 months! Don't get me wrong, I cannot WAIT to have babies and I would love for that to happen, like, tomorrow...but for now I'm at peace with my current situation. It's been over 10 months since I've been able to say that.

Please pray for me. :)

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. -Psalm 37:5


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