This is yet again one of those things that I reaaaallly don't want to talk about, but I kind of feel like I'm supposed to write about these things (sigh...). So, here goes.
With Thanksgiving came the start of the official "holiday season" - you know, since Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's happens all within 6 weeks of each other. Last year at this time, I was pregnant, which is super fun during the holidays for more than just the reason that you can eat like a pig and nobody can tell you anything. ;) Anyway, since this year I'm not pregnant, and I have no baby to show for my first pregnancy, it can make this whole holiday season a bit difficult at times. Because last year, we couldn't help but think about how this year we'd be celebrating with our little baby. I remember thinking on Christmas last year that as awesome as that day was, it'd be even better this year because we'd have our son in our arms, and not in my belly. I don't think I have to explain how much it hurts to not have a baby in my arms or in my belly. And to be honest, most days I'm okay with that. But it still hurts.
Today is the start of Advent, and usually I'm super excited about it. I still am, I guess, but today I realized it's going to be a lot harder than usual. Last year, it was pretty easy to get into the Advent mindset, so to speak, of waiting for the birth of Jesus. I was waiting on the birth of my own baby, so it was actually really cool to be able to relate to the Blessed Mother - both pregnant and waiting. And when I found out (on the feast of the Immaculate Conception, how cool!) I was having a boy, it made it even better - you know, since Jesus was obviously a boy too. I felt extremely blessed to be able to celebrate Advent and Christmas while pregnant. This year is obviously quite different, and I don't know why, but I feel kind of out of it. Maybe because while I'm really trying to focus on the present and being prepared for the coming of Jesus, I can't help but have flashbacks from last year (seriously, sometimes I feel like I have a mild form of PTSD when it comes to my hospital experience). Since the anniversary of the day we lost Levi is coming up, all of those memories seem to be in overdrive some days. It really is hard to believe it's been almost a year since everything happened.
I wish I could just stop comparing last year to this year. Eh.
Wellllll, now that I have that off my chest...I'm off to decorate our Christmas tree. :)
So too, you also must be prepared, for at an hour you do not expect, the Son of Man will come. - Matthew 24:44