"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Soccer!

This past month I started to help coach a U-11 girls' soccer team. While they have potential, there is MUCH room for improvement....the movie The Big Green often comes to mind (you should see it if you haven't already - an oldie but goodie). Like seriously. We had a soccer tournament this past weekend, and both games on Saturday were pretty close to horrible (as in I lost track of the score because it was so bad). Buuuut, our game on Sunday gave me a glimmer of hope....we won! It's pretty rewarding to coach a team and see improvement every time they play. It's even better to actually enjoy every practice and have fun while coaching. I don't know why I didn't do this before.

I often think about what my life would be like if I was still pregnant. I would have been 8 months along, and while I still wish I would have been spared the heartbreak of losing the pregnancy, I am fully aware of the fact that many good things have come from it. A closer relationship with Logan and an increased faith in God ranks up at the top, but then there's the other things...like a greater appreciation for little babies. And the fact that we have a little guy praying for us 24-7. And the opportunity to coach soccer. God knows I wouldn't be coaching right now if I was going to have a baby in the next month. I could probably make a list of positive things that have come from what originally appeared to be a tragedy (and will forever be in my mind the worst day of my life), but let's just leave it at the fact that God's timing is so much better than ours. I need to be reminded of that often as Logan and I start trying to conceive again soon. And just so you know (since I've had people ask if I'm ready to get pregnant again), I am in a good place right now, emotionally and physically. I wouldn't put myself through a possible subsequent pregnancy if I didn't think I was ready.

I hope everyone has a blessed Easter Triduum!

Monday, March 29, 2010

Puppies, coupons, and Easter Break

So, Logan and I decided not to keep the puppy. While he was way cute and I fell in the love with the little guy, it's just too much to put up with in a house without a yard. Plus, Logan and I tend to be gone rather often during the week. And then you've got to think about if we get pregnant soon - I'd much rather take care of a baby!

I've been spending more time figuring out a budget and being more frugal with my grocery shopping. It really pays off too, sometimes. This morning I bought 2 sticks of deodorant for 17 cents! (Go me!) Since we don't have a newspaper subscription, I just print coupons and look at weekly ads (i.e. Winn-Dixie) online. There's also a million blogs/websites that give tips on how to save money. It's been working so far!

I have all week off work due to the Easter holidays, which is awesome (thank you, public school system!). I have a pretty long to-do list that I've already gotten started on. And, in addition to that, somehow I already have something planned for every day this week. How does that always happen??

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Meet Shockey!

Logan and I have a special visitor this weekend....meet Shockey!
Yes, he's partly named after Jeremy Shockey, tight end for the Saints. One of my friend's mom is giving him away, so we're keeping him for a couple of days to see if we want him for good. He's super cute, listens well (usually), is potty-trained, and best of all - FREE. Logan and I have been wanting a dog since we got married, but just never decided if we wanted to invest the time and money in one. Shockey is almost 4 months old, and we'd get everything we need for free (dog bed, collar, leash, crate, toys, etc.). He's updated on his shots and everything, so we'd just have to buy food and heartworm medicine (but not right away, since he still has a supply of both). All of the previously paid expenses is why we're considering keeping him. But, we're not deciding until tomorrow. He sure is cute though!

Shockey has made quite a few friends already, including Logan's parents' 2 dogs (which are also daschunds) and our neighbor's puppy that they're just fostering over the weekend to see if they want to keep him for good. Funny how we're both considering a dog on the same weekend, eh? Anyway, Toby is our neighbor's foster dog. He's super cute too...
We're told that he's 6 weeks old and a mix between a beagle and a collie. Toby and Shockey hit it off pretty well. We'll see if they'll get to be friends for more than just this weekend!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Here we go again

Once again, I feel the need to clarify something I posted (you'd think I wouldn't have the whole foot-in-mouth syndrome writing on a blog, but leave it to me...). On Monday, I said:
Guess I just convinced myself that we're going to be poor for the rest of our lives, so might as well accept it.
Let me explain.

I said this - on a whim - thinking about the money we'll have to spend both while trying to get pregant and when I actually am pregnant (between the prescriptions and seeing 2 doctors). Add into the equation that I want a lot of children. That'll cost a pretty penny. But, it will no doubt be worth every cent we pay, because children are HUGE blessings and add more joy to someone's life than having all the money in the world.

That being said, I made it seem like being "poor" was terrible. Let me first say that I shouldn't have even said it in the first place, because Logan and I are in no way poor. Yes, we have bills. And yes, if there comes a time where I do not work, money may get tight. But we are not - and never will be - "poor." No matter what our financial situation is, we are rich because of the relationship we have with God, each other, our family, and our friends. I don't mean to sound cliche, either. I just think it's important not to base your "wealth" on just money or material things. So, my apologies for making that statement. What I should have said is that I'm coming to terms with the fact that Logan and I will probably never have an abundance of money - which is okay, because it's a simpler way to live. We don't have our own house (yet) or cable TV or fancy cell phones and we don't plan on buying a new car until one of ours dies (or we need a bigger family vehicle). We don't eat out often and we usually don't go to movies unless we have a gift card. And all of that is fine...I'm much happier staying home with my hubby and playing Scrabble while watching American Idol. Not everyone has that luxury.

"Contentment is being able to come to terms with where you are and what’s going on in your life, even if it’s not what you would have chosen for yourself. Being content means being free to count your blessings and look for joy in your circumstances, whatever they may be." - Nancy Twigg

Monday, March 22, 2010

Optimism

Oh, it's going to be a good week. Why? No clue. It's just this new thing I'm trying to do - be optimistic! I guess I just have things to look forward to...I have next week off work (gotta love the public school system), and Easter is coming soon, and Logan and I have our special date night in less than 2 weeks, and well...let's just say I'm feeling much better about life. I still haven't the slightest clue about what the future holds, but oh well. Guess I just convinced myself that we're going to be poor for the rest of our lives, so might as well accept it. What I do know is that I've been blessed with some pretty awesome people in my life. So, God is good.

Sorry if this was completely random. I could use a nap.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Another setback, but more encouragement

Yesterday I found out that the prenatal vitamin (Neevo) and folic acid supplement (Zervalx) that I need to take are not covered by insurance. They're prescription, but the insurance company just sees them as vitamins (so much for "medical necessity"). Now, it wouldn't be that big of a deal if they were cheap. Unfortunately, they are rather expensive. I called the high-risk doctor to see if there were any generic forms that would work, and while I could use an OTC folic acid supplement, it wouldn't have the same effect. Same with the prenatal vitamin. (I think the prescription ones have an active form of folic acid that I need since my body doesn't metabolize the other form.) Logan and I both do not want to risk having another pregnancy loss just because we went the cheap way and it ended up not working. Because really, I would go crazy. So, for now we're having to suck it up and pay the bills (like we don't have enough) while we look into filing a dispute or whatnot with our lovely insurance company.

All sarcasm aside, I love when God gives you random messages and it ends up being exactly what you need to hear at the time (God is cool like that). I came across this last night and figured I'd share, in case it encourages you as much as it did Logan and me...(written by St. Jeanne de Chantal)

"Never give way to the desire to be liberated from your difficulties. This is a privilege, which is from God in order to make you perfect in every virtue. It is a reward and not a punishment, make no doubt of this. What God desires is that you bear this burden patiently, with complete surrender to his holy good pleasure.

Hold your eyes on God and leave the doing to him. That is all the doing you have to worry about, and the only activity which God asks of you and towards which it is he alone who is drawing you.

One thing alone is necessary: It is to have God. In short, then, no matter what is going on, we must hold both our attention and our love on God, not wasting our time in studying what is happening to ourselves, nor what is its cause. Our Lord asks this of us."

St. Joseph, pray for us!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Answers, finally? I think…

After what seemed like an eternity, I finally got some answers about what probably happened that dreaded day in December. The high-risk doctor who ordered the tests didn't call me back last week, so my primary doctor ended up telling me the results. He didn't know what it meant, so he met with the specialist to chat about it. I still have not yet talked to the high-risk doctor (it takes an act of congress, apparently), but thankfully, my primary OB/GYN is wonderful and has been really good at calling me. The ACA test that came back positive last time came back negative this time – which is good, because that is what increases the risk for blood clots. Only one test came back positive (whew!) and it was for one copy of the gene mutation for methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase (otherwise known as MTHFR). It impairs my body’s ability to absorb folic acid, therefore causing a folic acid deficiency. Folic acid is pretty important, especially during pregnancy, because a deficiency can cause neural tube defects in the baby (which I knew) and are also known to cause placental abruptions (which I did not know). So, everything happened (or so they think) because of a damn vitamin deficiency. Crazy, eh? Now I have to start taking a different prenatal vitamin – something is different with the folic acid, I think – as well as a folic acid supplement. I was pretty confused after hearing about all of this, because the high-risk doctor kept going on about blood-clotting issues, and now it’s all about the folic acid. My primary doc did say though that they still want me to take the baby aspirin every day, and he said that the high-risk doc still thinks I should have a daily shot of Lovenox whenever I’m pregnant. He thinks she’s erring on the conservative side. I don’t know what I think about that, because while I understand the idea of just playing it safe and treating for 2 conditions, I don’t like the idea of doing something for nothing (especially when it’s an injection!). But of course, we won't know if we're doing it for nothing or not. And then my doctor told me that another high-risk doesn't think Lovenox is necessary and that baby aspirin in enough. So, who knows? I think it's a matter of opinion. Whenever I am pregnant, though, they’re going to retest me for the antibodies that can cause clots (ACA). And of course, they’re going to keep a watchful eye on everything. Hopefully that and the folic acid supplements will lead to a successful outcome.

I thought that finding out some answers would make me feel better, but if I’m honest, it hasn’t. Maybe it’s because they seem like they’re still not 100% sure, since they want to treat me for 2 conditions. And plus, I’m always going to have flashbacks of my last experience and will worry that it could happen again. I do have to say, though, that the results could have been worse – and for that, Logan and I are very thankful.

Run!

Recently I've got into the schedule of running again.  For me, it's a pain to do and I'm not gonna lie, the motivation to go out and do it every other day is no bundle of joy.  However, the recent motivation to put my body in "excellent" shape again is our local 5k bridge run coming up on April 10th.  You see....every year the United Way hosts this run that starts on the east bank of our parish, crosses the bridge, and ends on the west bank. The total distance is 3.2 miles.  Well, for like 5 or so years now, I've been wanting to do this run and something has prevented me each year from doing it.  In high school, I ran cross country and track...so I really missed out not having done the bridge run back then when I was actually in pretty good running shape...sigh*.  Oh well...the past is the past and this year I am definitely going for it.  My goal by the way is to try and do it in under 23 minutes.  I'll try and remember to put a post on how I actually do.  Jen is also going to do it with me, but most likely not going to go all out as I am.  This run has been sort of a personal goal for me and I just don't want to complete it, but more like smash it.  So you can wish me luck, I'll probably need it....and hopefully I achieve my goal. 




Dear Son,
I'm doing this race for you first and foremost.
Love,
Your father

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Watch out...I'm lettting you in my head

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I wish I was better at accepting God's will. I know that He has His reasons for why certain things happen, and while I like to think that I'm moving on to whatever else God has planned without much complaining, I still find myself getting angry when it seems like other people have got things much easier (and especially when they don't realize how lucky they are!). It's stupid, really, especially when I think about how good I've had it in my life. I know many people (friends and family close to me) who've had pretty crappy things happen to them over and over, and the worst that has happened to me didn't come until 2 1/2 months ago, at 23 years old. Not too shabby, if you ask me. Yet, I feel like I'm being such a crybaby about it. "Let it be done to me according to your word" is a much easier prayer when your life is going the way you want it. The test comes when something bad happens and you have no other choice but to trust that God is going to make something of it - that's when you see how strong your faith really is. I know blessings come out of bad things (I'm seeing it even now), and while I do have faith in God's plan for Logan and me, I can't help but feel some hesitancy about it that I've never felt before. And, well, it's a little upsetting. I would have expected myself to handle things just a little bit better. One day (God-willing) I'm going to have a healthy baby and be really happy, and I'm going to feel bad for every negative thing I've thought or said. My goal now is to not let that happen. God asked Mother Teresa to leave her comfortable convent and live in the slums of Calcutta to help the poorest of the poor, and she did it - no questions asked, even though it meant that she leave almost everything behind. I pray for that kind of courage.

"Accept whatever He gives, and give whatever He takes with a big smile." - Mother Teresa

And just a little update on those darn test results...I finally found out what they are, but unfortunately I do not know what it means. I'll explain once I find out on Monday (hopefully!).

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Encouragement

It's really cool when you're having a bad day in terms of thinking about what could have been and worrying about the future, and then you randomly get some form of encouragement that just pretty much makes your day. That happened to me today. I couldn't help but think throughout the day about how I REALLY wish things were like they used to be - I'm supposed to be 32 weeks pregnant and expecting a little baby boy in just a few weeks. And as you all know, that's not the case anymore. So many women at work are pregnant, and while a lot of times it doesn't really bother me, some days it's just a bad reminder of what I lost (like today). Well, I get home and find in the mailbox a really encouraging letter and book from an awesome couple. It was a good reminder that Logan and I have a little guy praying for us like crazy in heaven. I tend to forget about that sometimes, unfortunately. Levi is our special prayer warrior!

I think I'm going to go crazy waiting to get my test results. All of these different scenarios keep popping up in my head when I think about it, and I have yet to think of a good scenario. I'm trying just to not think about it, but I can't help it - even if all of the tests come back negative I'll still be worried since we won't know what the heck caused the problem in the first place. I'm hoping to hear back from the doctor by Thursday or Friday...if I have to wait any longer, I might lose it. You should pray for me. :)

"We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Clarification

I just wanted to clarify something I said a few days ago, because I think it came across the wrong way. When I said that "a lot of people never even aknowledged that I lost Levi", I was referring to people I consider close to me and who were aware of what happened. I certainly don't expect people I talk to once in a blue moon to send condolences, nor do I expect people who didn't even know I was pregnant in the first place to say anything. And acknowledging the situation doesn't mean bringing up exactly what happened (although I don't mind when people do bring it up) - I've had several people just ask me how I'm doing and tell me that they're praying for me. That's more than enough. Maybe it's different with different people, but talking about the situation actually helps - I know it's true for me - so don't feel like it's taboo to bring it up.

I hope that sounds less snobbish...

I had a successful night babysitting two 1-year olds. There's no doubt I'm ready to have a baby (or two?) of my own....it's the pregnancy part I'm worried about.


Max and Abigail


He loves that chocolate milk.


So tired...


They just love to sit next to each other!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Awkward Situations

It's been one of those weeks...it seems like everytime I think I'm moving on, I just get all emotional again. Or maybe I'm just getting a little crazy since I'm waiting for my test results to come back, and Logan and I are just a month away from trying to get pregnant again (and the craziness of life doesn't help...bills + Logan sick + other nonsense doesn't help). I definitely do want to get pregnant, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't really nervous about it.

Last week I had a lady (who has only been knowing me for a couple weeks) ask me if I had kids. In order to avoid an awkward situation, I just told her no. But everything in me wanted to say, "Yes! I have a son!" Even though he's no longer with us, I know Logan and I will always be parents, whether we're able to have another baby or not. It's just frustrating sometimes not being able to share that with people. If there's one thing I've learned from all of this, it's that most people are extremely uncomfortable with talking to someone who's lost a loved one. A lot of people never even acknowledged that I lost Levi, even now, and there's even some people that avoid me altogether. It makes me sad. I completely understand not knowing what to say to someone in that kind of situation, but pretending nothing ever happened is not the solution. In a way, I feel like our loss was a blessing because now I know what to say (or not to say) to someone in a similar situation. Don't get me wrong - I'd give anything to have Levi back. But I also realize that not everyone is able to say that they have a child of their own. That's what I try to remember. I'm one of the lucky ones.

Since I know I don't ask you all enough (ha), I just want to request some more prayers. Logan and I could definitely use all we can get. Right now, I'm trying really hard to be thankful for all that we have, because it's entirely too easy to get caught up in what you don't have. Especially now, when it feels like we have so little.

Monday, March 1, 2010

My Wife

My wife.....loving. caring. sweet. nice. happy. joyful. short. athletic. humorous. attractive. cute. pretty. beautiful. gorgeous. amazing. incredible. wonderful. sexy. smart. wise. mature. loyal. holy. faithful. punctual. disciplined. knowledgeable. thoughtful. respectful. optimistic. pessimistic. angry. annoying. whiny. snappy. feisty. persistent. indecisive. nasty. disgusting. obssesivecompulsive. nerd. winner. loser. opinionated......I love her.

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