"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I'm surrounded by pregnant people. And I miss Levi.

It's been one of those weeks - you know, when the world seems to be against you (and it's only halfway over...ahhhh...). I'm realizing that I will continue to have times where I struggle with things, and even though I know it's completely normal and actually necessary to grow as a person, it still sucks sometimes. Just saying.

Let me assure you that I'm not asking for sympathy; I just feel called to share my thoughts and feelings about my experience with losing a baby and now trying to conceive again. My hope is that someone in a similar situation will know they're not alone. (That being said, feel free to share our blog with friends and family.)

A few weeks ago, I mentioned how going back to work has been challenging and that I'd write about it another day. Well, today is the day. When I first went back to work in February after losing Levi, I found out every week about another co-worker who was pregnant (and I'm not even kidding you - every week for the first month I found out about another pregnancy). It was hard, for obvious reasons. Seeing several pregnant people at work everyday was just a bad reminder of what I lost. Before I started back this school year, I found out about 3 more pregnant co-workers. Once again, it was hard - even more so, since I was trying to get pregnant again. And alas, this week, I've found out yet again about a couple more pregnancies among my co-workers. Even though I know I could just so happen to get pregnant next month, it's hard not to feel like I'm going to be the only one not pregnant any time soon. And I hate to admit it - since I'm trying my very best to be happy for everyone - but I can't help but feel a small twinge of jealousy (okay, maybe a big twinge) every time I hear about another pregnancy. It is oh so very hard to be content with not being pregnant when you feel surrounded with people who are pregnant. Please pray for me.

I'm sorry if this next part is depressing...

Monday was not a very good day. It was several things (I'll spare the details), but when I got home, I felt like the only thing that would help was to visit Jesus in the chapel (praise God for my Catholic faith). So, I did. As I was leaving the church to go home, I noticed the cemetery next door - which I hardly ever notice, even though I've always known it was there. Suddenly, I felt an overwhelming desire to visit Levi's grave, something I've never really felt, even after 8 months. It didn't take me long to realize that I couldn't do that because 1) his grave wasn't there and 2) I don't know even know where he was buried (but his body was buried, the hospital assured us). It was probably because I had a bad day, but all I wanted to do was sit by his grave and cry, and the fact that I couldn't do that was more upsetting than I ever imagined. I'm sure everyone who has lost a loved one misses them the most when they're having a bad day, and to think that I felt that way about a baby I carried for 5 short months just goes to show how powerful the bond between mother and baby can be. I think one of the hardest things about having a miscarriage or stillbirth is not having a sense of closure, since you don't have a funeral, and often times, you don't even know what your baby looked like (depending on how far along you were in the pregnancy). Logan and I did get to hold Levi's body, which was in a way a form of closure, but sometimes I wish we would have had a memorial service or asked a priest to say a mass. Maybe it would have made things a little easier.

To think that Levi is in heaven right now, praying for us, somehow makes all of this worth it.

"The Lord himself will fight for you; you have only to keep still." - Exodus 14:14

Sunday, August 15, 2010

If they only knew...

There's a lot of things that come up in everyday conversation that most people wouldn't think is out of the ordinary. A prime example? Whenever someone finds out I'm married, the first thing they ask (99% of the time) is, "Do you have any kids?" Seems harmless to most people. But, you know what? I hate that question. I know people don't mean any harm by it, but when you don't have any children due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infertility, that question is like a stab in the heart. I feel like I can't be honest to people and tell them I have a son, because then I have to explain everything - and that's just awkward. But then I don't want to tell them no, that I don't have children, because then that's pretending Levi never existed. So, whenever people do ask if I have children, I usually just say, "We're working on it."  It's an honest answer, and it usually works out just fine.

Sometimes, though, people decide to put in their two cents. Being that Logan and I are relatively young and still newlyweds, some people find it hard to believe that we want children so soon. And unfortunately, I've had several people try to convince me to wait to have kids (last week I had 2 people within 24 hours do that! ugh). They make it sound like having children is more of a burden than anything. It takes everything in me not to flip out on them and tell them that I have a son in heaven praying for me 24-7 because I didn't wait, and that being open to life my entire marriage has been both liberating and joy-filled because it's what God intended. One day I'm afraid I won't be able to restrain myself from going off on someone, and sometimes I wonder if that wouldn't be such a bad thing - because then maybe they'd realize...

It makes me wonder how many times I've said things to people, not realizing I offended them or struck a deep hurt. Sigh.

You need endurance to do the will of God and receive what he has promised. - Hebrews 12:1

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

In Memory

I don't mean to sound obsessed with anniversaries of certain days, but today marks the 1st year anniversary of my Uncle Mark's death. You always hear of these really awesome people passing at a young age, and well, he was definitely one of them. He is honestly one of the kindest, most generous, and loving people I've known.
Mark David Boresow
October 13, 1963 - August 11, 2009

Please say a prayer for his wife and kids today. 

St. Clare, pray for us.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Reliving the past

For those of you who don't know, I've been keeping a journal for a few years now - sometimes I just write about what's going on in my life, but most of the time it's the way I express whatever thoughts and emotions I'm dealing with at the time. I highly recommend doing so, because it's pretty interesting to go back and read things you've written (sometimes it's embarrassing, too, but oh well). Exactly a year ago today, I wrote this:

I really want a baby. It’s starting to get hard watching other women with their babies because I’m really not sure if I can get pregnant. A couple of days ago, I was watching a movie where a couple had a baby and were in the hospital right after, adoring their cute little boy. My eyes welled up with tears, without warning, because I want that. I know Logan’s going to be a great father, and I’d like to think that I’ll be a good mom, and I know we’ll love having a baby together. So, I just pray that God heals whatever is wrong with me so Logan and I can do what we were called to do as a married couple – create new life together.

Now, at this point, Logan and I had only been married just shy of 2 months, so I realize how ridiculous it was to be a little impatient about not being pregnant. But, like I wrote, I wasn't sure if I could even get pregnant - due to previous problems and even the words of a doctor I had seen the year before. Lo and behold, though, the day after I wrote this....I became pregnant (I didn't find about until a couple weeks later, of course).  And well, I thought that was pretty cool, to write about really wanting a baby and then getting pregnant the next day without even realizing it until later. Unfortunately, things didn't end up the way I expected, but there's no point in dwelling on that now.

Being that tomorrow will make a year since I got pregnant with Levi, I've started to have some major flashbacks. It can make things a little difficult, especially when I'm trying to be content with not being pregnant (which is getting better for the most part, but going back to work has been challenging - more on that another day). I'm all too aware of special dates from being pregnant last fall - like the day I conceived, the day of my first doctor's appointment and ultrasound (September 18), the day I first felt Levi kick (Thanksgiving), and of course the day that I lost him (December 29), among other dates. Reliving all of those memories will be quite painful. But, I have no doubt that God will help me through it.

St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross, pray for us!
I accept joy or suffering, praise or humiliation, with the same disposition. I remember that one and the other are passing. - St. Faustina

Thursday, August 5, 2010

A Word of Encouragement

Let me just first start off by saying that I've actually been at a pretty good place the last 2-3 weeks or so. Really. Even with things getting pretty crazy this week (babysitting + going back to work + buying a house process). It makes a huge difference, when you have a million things going on, to stop freaking out and just realize that there's a reason for every little thing that happens. It's such a simple idea yet somehow so hard to do at times. I hate that.

Okay, let me get to my point. I have a few friends that are going through a difficult time, or a transition period, or just one of those "I don't know what the heck is going on with my life" times. And well, I know how easy it is to get trapped in the whole "woe is me" mindset and just go further and further into a pit of despair. I wish I had some inspiring thing to tell them, but I don't. I do have an awesome quote to share, though (but I'll put that last). And just in case my opinion is in any way of value to them - assuming they read this - I do have some suggestions.

1. Pray without ceasing. Even when you don't want to.
2. Talk to someone...or two someones. Seek spiritual direction if you feel called to it (if God wants you to have a spiritual director, He'll provide one, no doubt).
3. Remember that you are loved. Even when you don't feel it.

There is not a moment in which God does not present Himself under the cover of some pain to be endured, of some consolation to be enjoyed, or of some duty to be performed. All that takes place within us, around us, or through us, contains and conceals His divine action. - Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Monday, August 2, 2010

Potential homeowners??

Soooo, after looking at houses for a few months (the agony...), we found one we really like! And after a couple of negotiations, the sellers accepted our offer! Now we get to do all the fun stuff (ha...NOT) before the closing day - which won't be until the end of September. But at least we have almost 2 months. It's all a bit intimidating, and there's always the chance of something going wrong where we end up not buying the house, but...Logan and I are still pretty excited. Please pray everything works out! :)

And if anyone has some extra furniture/appliances lying around - say, a washer and dryer, maybe some bookshelves - we'd be happy to take them off your hands. ;)


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