In the span of 2 days, I found out about 4 people I know who are pregnant, 2 of which who were also pregnant when I was just over a year ago. Hearing news of pregnancy is always bittersweet, because while new life is always a huge blessing (and I'm learning to be thankful for all babies, whether they're mine or not), it's still a reminder of what I've been longing for and don't yet have. It certainly doesn't help to be working with some of the most reproductive people on the face of the earth. I really am happy for them, since I fully understand the desire to be a mother...but it's still hard to see pregnant bellies everywhere I go.
Just when I think the pain of losing Levi is getting easier, I feel like I'm thrown into another phase of grief. It's not a gradual thing, either - I'd say a good analogy is running into a brick wall. One minute I'm enjoying life and the next I'm crying over the fact that I never got to tell my son, "I love you." On New Year's Eve, I was having fun with friends, and a few minutes later I was thinking about how I'd much rather be at home taking care of a baby. Those thoughts come and go 24-7 it seems, and I know that's a poor excuse for being a jerk (sorry to all those who had to deal with my grumpiness), so I'm working on how to overcome those not-so-good thoughts with more positive ones. I think it'll be a lifelong process.
God is still good.
Psalm 63:4 - For your love is better than life; my lips offer you worship!