"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Bring it on, 2011!

I thought starting a new year would be a good thing, because 2010 pretty much sucked, for lack of a better word. I feel stupid for even saying that, since I'm fully aware of all of my blessings in life and know that there were some good things that happened in 2010. But I guess it's human nature to focus on the bad things and think about what you don't have instead of what you do have. And although I'm getting better at not being a complete pessimist, I still have a looong way to go. So bear with me.

In the span of 2 days, I found out about 4 people I know who are pregnant, 2 of which who were also pregnant when I was just over a year ago. Hearing news of pregnancy is always bittersweet, because while new life is always a huge blessing (and I'm learning to be thankful for all babies, whether they're mine or not), it's still a reminder of what I've been longing for and don't yet have. It certainly doesn't help to be working with some of the most reproductive people on the face of the earth. I really am happy for them, since I fully understand the desire to be a mother...but it's still hard to see pregnant bellies everywhere I go.

Just when I think the pain of losing Levi is getting easier, I feel like I'm thrown into another phase of grief. It's not a gradual thing, either - I'd say a good analogy is running into a brick wall. One minute I'm enjoying life and the next I'm crying over the fact that I never got to tell my son, "I love you." On New Year's Eve, I was having fun with friends, and a few minutes later I was thinking about how I'd much rather be at home taking care of a baby. Those thoughts come and go 24-7 it seems, and I know that's a poor excuse for being a jerk (sorry to all those who had to deal with my grumpiness), so I'm working on how to overcome those not-so-good thoughts with more positive ones. I think it'll be a lifelong process.

God is still good.

Psalm 63:4 - For your love is better than life; my lips offer you worship!

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