"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Unfathomable

Logan and I have gotten another call about a placement since the last one, but it was about siblings again (and this time they called Logan - haha!). Maybe one day we'll have the guts to say yes to two kids. Since we're getting close to our family vacation, though, I'm pretty certain we won't be having any foster children until after we get back.

This is one of those things that I've thought about a million times, but I think I've only talked about it to Logan. So forgive me if I sound crazy. I've been having a bit of an emotional time the past few days, and if you're a woman you can totally understand...anything and everything makes you cry. I blame the hormones, although stupid crap has happened (example: I was forced to walk half a mile home this morning in the 100 degree heat, thanks to my car) and this post I just read makes me, well, I don't know. It's comforting to read things written by women who have also lost a baby, because then I don't feel so crazy. Just go read it and you'll know what I'm talking about. I think.

Okay, I still haven't quite gotten to what I want to write about. I think it's because I don't really know how to say it. Logan and I have wanted children from the day we got married, and getting pregnant so soon afterwards was such a huge blessing - especially because we knew there was a good chance I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. But then we lost Levi, after the worst night of my life, and although we fully believe that God has a plan even in the toughest of times, it was hard. At first it was hard because everything reminded us of Levi. Then it was hard because we had to wait until we could try to get pregnant again (doctor's orders). Then it was even harder because we weren't getting pregnant. I guess you can still say we're at that point, because I'm still not pregnant. There have definitely been times that I've been okay with us not having children, especially once we started the whole foster care process, because I just knew ever since last summer that we were supposed to be foster parents. Taking care of Bamm Bamm confirmed it. But then he went home, and we have an empty house again.

I'm not sure which is harder - not knowing if we'll ever have a chance at being biological parents, or seeing everybody else get their chance and wonder what the heck is wrong with us. I know it's nothing we did that has put us at this point in our lives, but seriously. You just don't know how hard it is to see other people being blessed with babies until you've been here. Seeing them with their children, wondering when it'll be our turn. And then you feel like a jerk for not being completely and utterly happy for them. But how can you when you feel so miserable?

This whole post was really meant to say one thing...one thing that I think about a lot: I cannot even imagine what it will be like to give birth - a live birth, not stillbirth - to our child and hold him/her in our arms. After all of this time, and all of this pain, I seriously can't even fathom it. I'm sure Logan and I will be filled with so much joy that we won't know what to do with ourselves.

It's something I know is worth the wait.

"It may sometimes be more fruitful in the end if we live with a lingering question, and grow slowly towards wisdom, than if we find a quick answer partly dictated by our own desires. The waiting changes us, schools us, teaches us to know God." -Maria Boulding

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