Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, December 30, 2011
I'm realizing that it'll always be a bittersweet day, because as much as we wish Levi were here with us, we know he's in heaven - which is just so much better. I thought being pregnant this year would make things easier, but it really didn't. We are beyond thankful to still have this baby with us, but it doesn't change the fact that we didn't get to see our first baby grow up. And it scares the heck out of me to think that we might not get to see this second baby grow up either. I know things are looking much better this time around, and I'm grateful...but anybody who has lost a baby will tell you that the possibility of losing another is always on their mind. Maybe that will change once we have a successful pregnancy...but what won't change is how much we miss our son.
It'll never cease to amaze me how much I miss a baby that I carried for just 5 months. I'm already in love with this baby too, and it's only been 3 months. I don't know what we're going to do when we get to hold a healthy baby in our arms. It makes me teary-eyed just thinking about it.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Never in a million years did we think 4 days later, we'd be in the hospital, holding our son and having to let him go. I still can't even think about it without getting emotional.
Here we are, 2 years later, and things are feeling eerily similar. I'm pregnant again (15 weeks this time as opposed to 22 weeks last time), we celebrated Christmas at home just like last time, and heck, even the New Orleans Saints are having a similar season as they did 2 years ago - NFC South Champs, and assuming they win on Sunday, they'll have the same record. Hopefully they'll win another Superbowl too. :)
Let's just pray the big difference is that I'm not in the hospital until June, this time with a much better outcome. We're trying not to think about it, but it's hard not to with all the similarities. I really miss Levi -always will - but we feel abundantly blessed to have this baby with us now. If there's anything we learned from losing Levi, it's to enjoy the time you have with what you've been given.
1 Corinthians 7:24- In whatever condition you were called, brothers and sisters, there remain with God.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Oh, and I actually thought to ask what the progesterone was for exactly, and it's supposed to help my cervix. Once she saw that my cervix was slightly open, Dr. C said I needed the shots. They don't work until 16 weeks or so, which is why I'm taking the pills until then. Just in case you wanted to know. ;)
I saw Dr. H afterwards, as I always do, and I'll see him again in 2 weeks after my first progesterone shot. I won't see Dr. C for another 4 weeks, even though I'll be going to her office a couple times before that. But that's totally fine by me, because it must mean things are looking good so she doesn't need to see me as often.
Now for the fun part! Ultrasound pictures. :)
The first one isn't the best shot, because the baby was laying sideways or something.
Monday, December 19, 2011
I was actually able to go to work after my appointment, and I have to say I was totally overwhelmed with the number of people who said they've been praying like crazy for me and my baby, and that they will continue to pray. I have the best coworkers ever.
Dr. H did say to avoid prolonged standing and lifting, and I still need to take it easy. Logan has already decided that I'll be on bedrest when I get off work each day. But that doesn't surprise me. ;)
God is so, so good. Thanks again for all of your prayers and words of encouragement!
Saturday, December 17, 2011
12 week appointment. The baby was moving all over the place, which was pretty cool.
week 6 and week 9 and you'll know what I mean. :)
Friday, December 16, 2011
I know there are worse things in life, but man...I'm pretty bummed. Not only am I anxious to see if everything is okay (you get addicted to hearing a baby's heartbeat, not going to lie), I am also so ready to get out of this house. And I was looking forward to going back to work since next week is a short week because of Christmas.
I'm trying to enjoy this time, because I'm pretty sure it's going to be the most peaceful time in my life for quite awhile, but some days it's hard. I can't clean, exercise, or do much of anything (doctor's orders), so laying down all day makes me feel pretty unproductive.
It's going to be so worth it in the end, I know. And I've been trying to remind myself of something I read a couple of days ago...that we need to wait with God and not wait for God. There's a big difference...
2 Samuel 22:31- God’s way is unerring; the LORD’s promise is tried and true; he is a shield for all who trust in him.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Right before the cerclage, Dr. H checked my cervix and said there was a lot left and that it was a good thing. There weren't any problems with the procedure itself. Honestly, the worst part about the whole thing was getting the spinal anesthesia, which is similar to an epidural. First off, it hurt, and second, I didn't like not being able to feel or move my legs for a few hours. So, so weird.
I was told to expect a little bleeding and cramping the next couple of days, which is pretty nerve-wracking because those are the same symptoms for a miscarriage. But I am very relieved to report that I really haven't had to deal with that. Some women have it and others don't, so I'm one of the lucky ones. Thank you, Jesus.
This week Dr. H told me to take it easy, and I have an appointment with him on Friday to make sure everything looks good before I go back to work. I guess you can say I'm on a modified bed rest, because although I still need to stay off my feet for the most part, I can still walk around the house if I need to. Logan has banned me from doing certain things, though, like walking up the stairs. I haven't seen my bedroom in almost 2 weeks, and it doesn't look like it'll happen soon. I sure do miss my bed.
While at the hospital, I got a progesterone shot, and Dr. H said I'm a candidate to get the shots weekly once I'm 15 or 16 weeks. I didn't ask what they were for -silly me - but after doing some research, it looks like the prosterone is supposed to keep me from going into premature labor. Whatever works, I guess - it just stinks because the shots are given in your bottom, and I'm still very sore from the shot yesterday. Like, I have trouble walking. TMI, I know...sorry. But at least now you can pray for me and my sore butt, because I would love to be able to walk like a normal person again.
I think that's enough details for one day, don't you think? ;)
Monday, December 12, 2011
Let me just say that irony seems to be a frequent part of Logan's and my life together. Because we are most definitely in the same exact room we were in 2 years ago. AND we have the same nurse (who totally remembered us, by the way). WHAT ARE THE ODDS?
We can't really complain, though, because our nurse is really good, and it was actually pretty cool already knowing her and having her know our history.
Thank you again for all the prayers. We love you all!
Friday, December 9, 2011
I know I'm a nurse and everything, but thinking about the cerclage is starting to make me nervous. There's only two times (that I remember) where I was actually a patient in the hospital, and not a nurse or visitor. First time it was a quick ER trip for stitches (on Christmas day, I might add), and of course the other time was when we lost Levi. On Monday I'll be on the same unit as we were almost 2 years ago, since the procedure is done in Labor & Delivery. Maybe that's a good thing, so we can get all our negative feelings about the place out of the way. I don't know.
Dr. H said I'll be getting spinal anesthesia for the cerclage, which I'm not all excited about. But I suppose that's a small price to pay for a potentially life-saving procedure for my baby. It always goes back to that...that anything I have to go through is worth it for this little life inside me. Totally puts things into perspective.
1 Peter 3:17- For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that be the will of God, than for doing evil.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Dr. H is doing my cerclage on Monday, and he's pretty optimistic about it. I just have to say that there is a chance that it won't work, but after he explained the procedure in detail, I felt better. I honestly think the worst part about it is that I have to fast after midnight the night before. That wouldn't be so bad if the procedure was scheduled in the morning...but of course it's in the middle of the day. And heck, I'm pregnant. Plus I still have the whole nausea thing going on, and if I go too long without eating, welllll...it's not pretty. But I guess in the big scheme of things, I shouldn't complain.
As of now, it looks like I'll be off bed rest after the cerclage is done. Dr. C even thinks going back to work will be okay, as long as I take it easy and sit down a lot. Thankfully I don't have a typical nursing job that requires me to be on my feet 12 hours a day. Gotta love working in a school. :)
Oh, and the baby is doing great and was totally moving all over the place. Maybe I can get Logan to post the ultrasound pictures...
Thank you all so very much for the prayers. Please also say a prayer for 2 women I know who've lost babies in the last few days. It just breaks my heart, since I know how devastating it is to lose a baby. And it's also pretty scary since both of these women had due dates in June like me.
Isaiah 55:8-9- For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor or your ways my ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Today makes 12 weeks in my pregnancy. Last time I was pregnant I breathed a sigh of relief at this point, since I know the chances of miscarriage go way down.
Needless to say, I'm not sighing with relief this time around. I probably won't be doing that with any pregnancy now until I'm actually holding a healthy baby in my arms. It kind of stinks to think about how I'll probably never have a normal pregnancy, but then I think about how some women aren't ever able to get pregnant. So I definitely know I'm blessed. It just goes to show you how everyone has their own thing to struggle with in life.
Romans 8:28-We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.
Monday, December 5, 2011
I wish I could see what my cervix looks like now, since I'm slightly paranoid that things could have gotten worse. It's hard not to be paranoid, with all the different things I've been feeling down there. That's part of pregnancy to begin with, but having this cervix issue makes me over-analyze every little twinge and cramp.
46 more hours until I see the doctor. Logan must be rubbing off on me.
Psalm 62:8-Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
I have to say that the first two days of bed rest are the worst. There are still several moments where I feel like I'm going crazy, but trying to keep busy is helpful. I think I'll be catching up on some reading.
It is very hard not to think too far in the future. Will I make it to the cerclage? Will the cerclage work? Is this whole bed rest thing going to last longer than another week or two? HOW IS THIS ALL GOING TO END?
Oh, how I would love to turn off my brain sometimes.
It's depressing to be in the season of Advent, my favorite, and not able to go to mass. I nearly lost it this morning because I was trying to watch mass online, and it wouldn't work. SO FRUSTRATING.
All things considering, I guess you could say I'm doing alright. God gives us the grace we need, when we need it.
Romans 8:25- But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.
Friday, December 2, 2011
We've been leaving Marley in her kennel whenever I'm home by myself since I can't chase her around or let her outside. And I seriously think that it's one of the worst things about being on bed rest- I have to listen to her whimper all day because she knows I'm home. Poor puppy.
Due to Marley's frequent "imprisonment", I let her lay down with me while Logan ran a couple of errands. Everything was going really well, since she fell asleep. Then she randomly woke up and started heaving, which happens when she's about to throw up. I didn't know what to do, since I can't do any heavy lifting and wasn't about to push my 25-pound dog to the floor. I managed to put a blanket under her mouth as she threw up, but somehow I still ended up with dog puke on my hand, arm, and pillow.
Not exactly the best scenario for someone who isn't supposed to be moving. And can you believe Marley just curled up and fell back asleep on the puke-covered blanket? So I got to lay there for 20 more minutes until Logan got home to rescue me.
Did I mention that I think God is teaching me humility?
Well, the good news is that Logan came home with my early Christmas present...a Kindle Fire! It's so, so cool. And I'm actually using it now. :)
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Now that I'm past the initial shock of the whole situation (yeah, yesterday morning was rough), I just want to share a few more details about the appointment. Dr. C also said that my placenta is over my cervix - AKA placenta previa - and that if my cervix keeps opening, I'll lose the baby. And that statement right there made me lose it because all I could think about was how we lost Levi and how I really, really don't want to go through that again.
But that's where faith comes in. God is giving Logan and myself the opportunity to cling to Him, and He's giving me all the time in the world to spend with Him. [One of the first things Logan told me when I was put on bed rest was, "You get to spend more time with Jesus. Lucky."] And I'm praying that I will be at peace with whatever happens, because ultimately God has reasons for why we're going through this.
I'm just trying to stay positive (key word is trying). Can you tell? ;)
People have been asking why we have to wait to put in the cerclage, and the reason is that the baby needs to be fully formed, which isn't until the 2nd trimester. Plus they want to make sure I don't have a natural miscarriage that can happen in the 1st trimester. It's all about the timing - you don't want to stitch up the cervix too early or too late.
Isaiah 26: 4 - Trust in the Lord forever! For the Lord is an eternal rock.