"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Friday, October 28, 2011

The house is quiet

Peanut moved to a different home today. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. There's feelings of guilt and worry, and then feelings of relief. So I don't know. It is very strange to go from 3 people and a dog to 2 people and a dog. The house is much quieter.

I don't know what else to say about it (probably because it's past my bedtime), but I'm sure something will come to mind soon enough.

Keep praying for the little fella.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The baby dot

My first OB appointment was yesterday. Dr. H wasn't sure if we should do an ultrasound, since it's early and it wasn't a guarantee that we'd see anything. He didn't want us to do an ultrasound, see nothing, and then have me worry when everything could be completely fine. Well, we did an ultrasound anyway, hoping we'd get lucky. And we did!

I'm 6 weeks along, and the ultrasound tech said that it was probably the earliest we would have seen anything. Pretty cool, huh? I know the baby just looks like a dot but I'm still excited.

After going over what happened in my last pregnancy, Dr. H told us (my mom and Logan were there) that he's considering doing a cerclage when I'm around 12 weeks. That's basically where they stitch the cervix closed so it can't dilate prematurely. It's certainly possible that an incompetent cervix caused me to lose the baby last time, so I think he just wants to play it safe. Totally fine by me!

I see the high-risk OB, Dr. C, in 3 weeks. She's going to do another ultrasound then. I'm stopping by Dr. H's office right after to talk to him about everything. It looks like the next 8 months will be one appointment after another. But I am totally okay with that - I just hope it's worth it and we'll have a cute baby to hold next summer. My due date is June 19, by the way. :)

To change subjects, we found out that Peanut is indeed being moved on Friday. I'm starting to feel guilty about giving up on him, but I know I can't do this anymore. So it's a weird situation. And I don't think Peanut really grasps the fact that he's not going to be living with us in 3 days. I'm afraid it's going to hit him like a brick wall once he gets to his new home.

Romans 8:18 - I consider that the sufferings of this present time are as nothing compared with the glory to be revealed for us.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

The final week

Peanut will be gone by Friday. And as much as that thought makes me sigh of relief, I'm also worried. It's one thing to say you can't handle a foster child anymore, and it's another thing to actually have to give him to someone else.

In just 3 months (can you believe it's been that long???), Peanut became part of a family - with parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I'm not sure how his life was before he came to us, but I can say with confidence that he's been surrounded with loving people during the time he's been here. Thankfully, Logan and I are blessed with family and friends that support us in this crazy fostering thing.

Since we know Peanut is leaving at some point this week, we've started to talk to him about it. The first time we said anything, he immediately started talking about going back to "Nana's" house (yeah, remember her?). And then when we told him he was going to a different house and not Nana's, Peanut started pouting and said, "I want to stay with youuuu."

Oh dear. Another thing that worries me is how my nephew is going to handle it. Peanut and Max have become best friends, and the fact that they're the same age makes the situation completely different than when Bamm Bamm left and Max asked about "the baby".

I know I shouldn't stress myself about all of the details, but I can't help it. Like I've thought before, I never really saw Logan and myself with Peanut forever, but I could never see us giving him back either. Even though I know we're doing what is best, it's still hard. This kid calls me Mommy, and in a few days he won't be here. And chances are we won't know how he's doing or what kind of situation he's in. That's probably the hardest part - not knowing anything. We were fortunate with Bamm Bamm.

One thing is for sure - we'll be praying for Peanut for the rest of our lives.

"God wills that our desire should be exercised in prayer, that we may be able to receive what He is prepared to give." -Saint Augustine

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I'm trying to be lazy

I'm getting less and less sad about Peanut leaving. I know that sounds terrible, but seriously. This kid is just out of control. Sigh. Please pray for him.

I must have the word FRAGILE stamped on my forehead. Nobody (at work, specifically) will let me do anything once they find out I'm pregnant. And pretty much everyone is telling me to take it easy and not to do anything strenuous. Not that I'm complaining, though...Logan cleaned the house for me on Monday. Heck yeah. I'm really trying to take it easy - you know, by laying down on the couch A LOT - but sometimes it's hard when you have a 3-year old throwing a tantrum and getting into everything, and a puppy chewing on everything. And sometimes both the kid and the puppy are trying to climb in my lap while I eat.

Just so you know, I literally JUST chased Marley around because she stole my shoe and ran off with it. Yep. I don't know what I'm going to do if my doctor ever puts me on bedrest. At least we won't have a 3-year old running around by then.

Psalm 124:8 - Our help is in the name of the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.



Sunday, October 16, 2011

I'm not stressing...yet

People are pretty much assuming that Logan and I are both excited and freaked out all at the same time about our big news. And that's somewhat true. Yes, the thought of losing another baby is frightening, but at this point, we really just feel blessed and thankful that we were able to get pregnant again. Because no matter what happens, we still have 2 children. I'm sure Levi is the happiest kid in heaven right now.

I'm not that far along at all in the pregnancy, and I know a lot of people wait until they're past the first trimester to spread the news. But there is no possible way Logan and I would be able to wait that long. Besides, new life is always something to be celebrated!

On Friday, Dr. H (my OB/GYN) called me to see what the hematologist said. [Seriously, he's the best doctor.] After I explained how the appointment went, Dr. H asked me, "So what's the status on you trying to get pregnant?" To which I had the pleasure of telling him that I'm actually pregnant. He was pleasantly surprised and said he's looking forward to seeing me at my first appointment. Which is on October 24th, by the way. :)

There is no doubt in my mind that Logan and I made the right decision about having Peanut moved. As Logan loves to tell people, I'm "very hormonal." And that means I have no patience. At all. Thankfully, Logan is wonderful and has taken over dealing with Peanut for the most part. But that makes me feel bad because Logan doesn't have all the patience in the world either (sorry, babe). I think the only thing that is getting us through each day is knowing that Peanut isn't going to be with us much longer. I'm starting to wonder how the heck we made it this long.

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more...It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. It turns problems into gifts, failures into successes, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events." -Melody Beattie

Friday, October 14, 2011

Never thought I would say this

A lot has happened in the last few days, so this may be a long entry. But you will definitely want to read the entire thing - trust me.

Tuesday night was when Logan and I decided we were done with Peanut, unless they could offer help - because with all of his issues, Peanut needs some kind of services. I finally talked to his worker Wednesday morning and explained how we felt. I insisted that they get him some help or we were done, because thinking about Peanut growing up doing the same things just flat out scares me. And if he doesn't get help now, well...I don't want to imagine that.

Peanut's worker didn't know what to do or what to tell me, so she said she'd talk to her supervisor and see what they could come up with. She promised to call me back. But of course I didn't hear from her for the rest of the day.

That afternoon (Wednesday), I actually saw the hematologist (I'm still amazed they fit me in that quickly). After hearing my story and looking at my records, Dr. B agreed with the high-risk OB/GYN I saw back in the day who insisted I take baby aspirin daily and then whenever I'm pregnant, to take a daily Lovenox shot (blood thinner). Dr. B did not think I have a bleeding issue, and she didn't really think I have a clotting issue either - but considering I already lost one baby, she strongly encouraged anticoagulation therapy (aspirin and Lovenox) for future pregnancies. Even though I didn't find out anything new, I'm still glad I saw the hematologist because I've never been 100% sure about what the high-risk OB/GYN had told me - so having a second opinion put my mind at ease.

When I got home from the appt., I decided to take a pregnancy test. Logan and I still have trouble believing it, but...the test was positive! After a year and a half of trying, I'm pregnant. Oh.my.goodness. You have no idea how excited we are.

Considering my pregnancy is high-risk, Logan and I decided it was best to have Peanut moved to a different foster home, regardless of if we were offered any help. I just cannot be under that kind of stress right now. And after talking to his worker yesterday afternoon (finally), we probably would have made that decision anyway (having him moved), because they basically aren't able to do anything to help Peanut. That makes me so unbelievably mad. This kid needs help and they're not doing anything. Ugh.

They are currently finding a new home for Peanut, which could take a couple weeks. Logan and I are praying that they can find a home who is better able to deal with Peanut's issues than we are. I am a little sad knowing he's not going to be with us much longer, but whenever he throws a fit or is downright defiant - which happens way too often - I'm reminded that it's for the best. My mind and body can't take that stress right now.

There's lots more I could say - about Peanut and being pregnant - but I'll leave that for another day. In the meantime, please pray for Peanut and his future, as well as our baby and the pregnancy.

Whew. It's been quite a week.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

We're at that point


I'm sure you all think I sound crazy by now - one day I'm talking about how Peanut's behavior is TERRIBLE and the next day I'm convincing myself that things aren't as bad as they used to be.

Well, here I go again.

For reasons unbeknownst to us, Peanut has been rather difficult for the last few days. I seriously did not know a 3-year old was capable of this amount of anger and emotional instability. And for those of you who do not believe me, come live with us for a day. You'll see. (Although maybe not to the extent that Logan and I have the pleasure of witnessing, because Peanut always seems to be a tad bit better when other people are around.)

Today at daycare, he did pretty much everything - bit a child, hit his head on the wall, threw furniture everywhere, and even tried to strangle a child. Things didn't get much better when I brought him home. I literally - and I mean LITERALLY - took almost everything out of his room because he had that much rage. He was throwing things and knocking things over - the rocking chair and bookshelf are only 2 examples - and he was at the point where he doesn't respond to any type of discpline. (As foster parents we are not allowed to use corporal punishment, and that probably would have been the only effective discipline. Sucks for us.) Thankfully Logan got home 10 minutes later and took over. He's been having a lot more patience than me lately.

Logan and I have decided that whenever we get a hold of Peanut's worker - I called her earlier but no answer - we will request IMMEDIATE help (psychological, emotional, SOMETHING)....or we are done. As in, we're requesting them to remove Peanut from our home.

When we got into this whole foster care thing, I told myself we would never give up on a child. Never. But I really, really can't do this anymore. Peanut has way too many issues, and I don't feel like we're getting any help from the agency. This weekend Logan and I had his parents babysit Peanut while we went to a party for a couple of hours (even though children were welcome), and we both realized how much happier we were not having him around. We also had a conversation about how neither one of us feels much of a connection with Peanut the majority of the time. So basically the past 2 1/2 months have felt like a 24-7 babysitting job. Not cool, my friends. Not cool.

I do have to say that my heart is torn about Peanut leaving us because I know he does like us. But I'm praying that if he does leave, that there will be an even better foster home out there for him. Right now I don't think it's us.

Prayers for us, especially Peanut, are greatly appreciated. We still never heard anything back about Peanut going back to his previous caregivers, so we're assuming it's not going to happen. Not that it really matters right now, anyway.

Blessed Mother, pray for us.

Friday, October 7, 2011

The joys of waiting

We haven't heard anything about Peanut's future. Logan called the agency office, but they didn't find out what the judge decided. The wait is killing me.

On Monday, I decided (randomly) to call my doctor (Dr. H, let's call him) and see why he hadn't gotten back with me. It turns out that he had surgery and had been out for a few weeks, and Monday was his first day back. Ironically. (He hadn't forgotten about me, yay!)

Dr. H referred me to a hematologist - well, technically she's an oncologist, but apparently the two go hand in hand. I've spent all week trying to get a dang appointment scheduled with this doctor, and it's taking an act of congress. I would love to explain but I feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about it. Let's just say that I'm hoping by Christmas it'll happen. Ha. I guess it's a good thing I decided not to wait on this whole thing.

"If we are to trust God, we must learn to see that He is continuously at work in every aspect and every moment of our lives." -Jerry Bridges

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Tug o' war

I know I talked about Peanut taking a million steps back, but he really has gotten much better overall. His daycare people say he's a different kid. And I know that. Sometimes it's just easy to forget when Peanut is throwing a huge temper tantrum or tries to scratch or pinch me.

Today, we found out that Peanut could possibly be going back to his previous caregivers (not his mother...I know, it's complicated). A decision is supposed to be made this week. Logan had gotten a phone call about it, and when he told me, I wanted to cry. I know we're still not sure about the whole adoption thing, but Logan and I both agree that Peanut does not need to go back to these people. He's come too far and made too much improvement to be thrown back into that environment.

And even though Peanut drives me nuts sometimes, I would still miss him if he left.

But like Logan reminded me, God is in control. Please pray that His will be done (and that we're okay with it!).

Philippians 4:6-7 - Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

So much for that...

I was going to write about how Peanut and I had a pretty good evening together yesterday (Logan was filming a wedding), and how this past week we've noticed much improvement in Peanut's behavior.

And then today happened.

It seriously feels like every time we think things are getting better, Peanut takes a million steps back. He's been crying for about 2 straight hours. And he's probably done everything but punch a hole in the wall in his room (well, maybe I should go check...). It really reminds me of the day I wanted to quit. But I think Logan and I are both too tired to let it get to us the way it used to. If that makes any sense.

I knew kids could be stubborn, but MAN. Peanut wins the grand prize for sure. When he doesn't want to do something (i.e. clean his room), he fights it. Like today. It is very obvious that his caregivers before us let him do whatever the heck he wanted.

People can be so ignorant. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

1 Peter 4:19 - Therefore, let those suffering in accordance with God's will entrust themselves to a faithful Creator, while continuing to do good.

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