"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Marley and me (and Landon)

We made it another week! Woo. Every week I feel a little bit better, because statistics show better odds. But then I also get more nervous, because Landon is bigger and there's more pressure on my cervix. I've had a really good few days, though, with not having as many contractions and not really feeling any pressure down there. It's also reassuring that Landon has been practicing his soccer moves a lot lately. He just needs to stop kicking my bladder and cervix!

Marley is really good company. And I know that might sound weird to someone who doesn't love dogs, but seriously. She cuddles with me all day, and she amuses me by wandering around the living room with my sock in her mouth, looking for a place to "bury" it.

I kind of feel bad because Marley is totally getting spoiled with me being home all day, but she is just way too cute for me to resist letting her sleep next to me (or on top of me).

See what I mean! It's like she's trying to cuddle with Landon already (the gray part is my belly, if that's not completely obvious)... ;)

Saturday, February 25, 2012

I can't wait until I can run again! And clean the house. And...

That's how I registered at Babies'r'us yesterday - my mom wheeled me around in a wheelchair. Gotta do what ya gotta do. :)

Staying off my feet as much as possible can be really difficult sometimes...not only for me but for Logan too (and anyone else I'm hanging out with, for that matter!). But Logan has really stepped it up as far as housework is concerned. Heck, he's even cooking now. Miracles do happen! ;)

Really, though, it's been really hard to just sit on my butt and not do anything when there's still things around the house to be done. I know it sounds really nice to be able to sit and watch movies and read books all day - and it is - but I'm used to being on my feet a lot, playing and coaching soccer, and cleaning the house...among other things. And to not be able to do any of it for so long kind of sucks. (Not being able to clean the house sucks?? Am I crazy??). I'm sure I'll continue to struggle with not being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want, but I guess it's good preparation for what living with a newborn will be like. At least that's what I'm trying to tell myself.

Thankfully, I have a very, very good reason for being forced into laziness. Can't wait to meet our little one!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Week 23 - Oh, bed rest

My appointment with Dr. C was yesterday. The ultrasound showed that my cervix is still open, funneling down to the second stitch. Since we're relying on that last stitch, Dr. C said to stay in bed as much as possible and that she'd prefer if I didn't work.

Dr. H wasn't there yesterday so I talked to him today. I wasn't sure if Dr. C didn't want me to work just temporarily or for the rest of the pregnancy, so I asked Dr. H for his opinion. Considering what happened with our last pregnancy, he doesn't think we should take any chances by me working and being on my feet. His words: "Rent a bunch of movies, read books, and eat bon bons." Gotta love him.

I was hoping I'd make it further along in the school year, but that obviously isn't happening. I am disappointed, but I do feel better knowing I'll be off my feet. And like I said Monday...it's going to be a long 4 months. God likes to teach me patience. Maybe because I never actually learn...

Oh, and Landon is doing just great. All 1 lb and 6 oz of him. :)

Monday, February 20, 2012

At least the dog is happy

Today was a bit of a rough day. Landon wasn't moving this morning (from what I could tell), so I was pretty worried. He finally started moving this afternoon, thankfully, but man, was that nerve wracking considering he was moving a lot this weekend.

I've also been having quite a bit of Braxton-Hicks contractions...probably more than I should. I decided to err on the side of caution and call Dr. H (also because of the lack of movement) but of course his office is closed until Wednesday for the Mardi Gras holidays. So is Dr. C's office.

You can imagine my frustration. I haven't been cramping or bleeding or anything, which is good. So I guess I just have to wait until my appointment on Wednesday. The contractions have subsided for now, thankfully.

It's going to be a long 4 months. Today was just one of those emotional days that happens in pregnancy sometimes, and it was due to several factors. One, I'm frustrated because I can't do anything, and the possibility of being on some kind of bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy is slightly depressing. Two, I hate feeling all kinds of things without knowing what warrants a call to the doctor (if it's not contractions, it's pressure). Three, medical bills suck. Enough said. And lastly (for now, ha), I keep thinking how I'd really love to just have a normal pregnancy but that's not going to happen. And then I feel bad for even thinking that, because some women would just simply love to be pregnant. Period.

I am grateful, believe me, but I didn't want to give the allusion that I was sailing through this pregnancy like it's nothing. I think this post has made it quite clear that I can be a complete mess sometimes. :)

At least Marley is thoroughly enjoying me being home all the time now. All today she's been sleeping either right next to me or partially on top of me (like in the picture). Even when I'm just sitting -like paying those lovely medical bills- she somehow manages to curl up in my lap. All 25 pounds of her. It's a good thing she's cute.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Natural childbirth

During my first pregnancy, I read all kinds of pregnancy- and baby-related books. This time, however, I've rarely read anything on those topics. I've read, believe me, but it's been other stuff. Not sure why this has been the case- I'm guessing I don't feel as clueless about parenting since we fostered Bamm Bamm and Peanut. But now that the reality is setting in that little Landon will be here within 4 months, I'm realizing that I need to read up on some topics! Thankfully I now have more reading time with taking time off work. :)

Currently, I have a little stack of books next to the couch that I've been meaning to read - on breastfeeding, childbirth, and vaccines. (Okay, so my "little stack" is really just 3 books!) But I'm thinking these 3 subjects are a good start. I started off reading the one on childbirth...husband-coached childbirth (AKA the Bradley Method) to be specific.

As much as I would LOVE a natural childbirth, I can't help but feel like I shouldn't get my hopes up. This pregnancy has been quite the roller coaster ride, and it's not over yet! Basically, I never know what to expect when I see the doctor, so I feel like I won't know what to expect when it's time for labor.

Despite all of that, I still plan on reading and preparing for a natural childbirth. But if for some reason that doesn't happen, I want to be okay with that. Because really, my #1 goal is to bring home a healthy little baby boy. That's the most important thing!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Week 22- Happy Valentine's Day to us

Before I share how my 2 doctor appointments went, I'd like to point out that today marks the time we lost Levi in our first pregnancy. Which wouldn't be as nerve-wracking if I hadn't been feeling more pressure down there the last few days. And then today I started feeling some cramping...but thankfully I was going to the doctor anyway. So I just left work a few minutes earlier than planned.

Dr. C did an ultrasound and said my cervix was opening again. Landon is fine, kicking away, but my cervix (STUPID CERVIX) dilated past the first stitch of my cerclage and stopped at the second stitch. Dr. C put me on Procardia to stop my cervix and said to come back next week. I asked if I had any restrictions, but all she said was to lie back more. That was a bit odd, since the whole cervix thing sounds bad.

Next was my appointment with Dr. H, so I just decided I would see what he thought. After examining me, he said he felt better, because the stitch is holding strong and my cervix is still hard and has some length to it -which are all good things. Dr. H left for a few minutes to call Dr. C and discuss whether or not I should go back to work.

Since I am at a critical point in the pregnancy with 23 weeks being viability of the baby, my doctors decided that I should stay home for a little while. So as of now, I'm not working - until they can reassess the situation. I do feel better knowing I'll be off my feet more, because even though I have a laid-back job, I'm still doing more walking than I would like. I'll go back to the doctor next week.
Dr. H did say he thinks we'll be okay. His goal is getting to 34 weeks (which would be in May, oh my!). So I guess it's a good thing my baby shower is being planned for the end of next month...

Lately, the first thing that has popped into my head when I wake up each morning is a prayer of thanksgiving for making it through another day. And that will continue to be the case, since each day means that Landon is bigger and stronger and more likely to make it if I were to deliver earlier than expected. But don't worry, I am optimistic and will be attached to the couch until further notice!
As always, prayers are appreciated. :)

Joshua 1:9- I command you: be strong and steadfast! Do not fear nor be dismayed, for the Lord, your God, is with you wherever you go.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Our new chair (and the story behind it)

Yesterday Logan and I had one of those really cool "God moments" happen. It wasn't about anything major - heck, just about a glider rocking chair we bought - but it was still pretty cool. So here I am to tell you about it. :)

Logan's parents generously offered to pay for another piece of furniture after the crib we bought was $100 cheaper than we originally thought (yet another cool thing that happened this past week). So, we looked yesterday for either a changing table or glider rocking chair. Unfortunately, there were only 3 chairs to choose from, so we just went with the one we thought would match our living the best. We probably should have waited to find a nicer chair, and one that matched better, but it was a decent price - so Logan tracked down an employee to see if it was in stock.

The employee said it was and had it brought out in a big box. On the box the price was $100 more than the floor model. But the employee kept saying it was wrong, that it was $100 cheaper, and she wrote the new price on a special paper. She also made sure to tell us that the chair we were buying was slightly different than the one on the floor - but since it was supposedly close to the same color, we were cool with it.

So we get home and Logan puts the chair together. And let me tell you, it was NOT the chair in the store. Not even close. We're not complaining though, because the one we brought home is SO MUCH NICER. Unlike the store model, the cushions are microfiber, and the wood looks nicer. And the real kicker - this chair matches our living room perfectly. We know we would not have been able to say the same about the one in the store.

My guess is that the employee, for whatever reason, just made up a new price for the chair - because it was not one of the 3 shown in the store, nor was there a sale going on. And what makes it even better is that we had a 15% off coupon. Oh yes.

Logan and I are still wondering how the heck we managed to get such a good deal. I mean, we know how (God loves us, that's how), but it's still pretty funny to think we could have brought home that other chair and totally hated it.

And can you believe the glider comes with a little table? Yeah. This is totally not the chair we looked at the store. But we're not complaining. :)
Our newly arranged living room! Now all we need is baby Landon to rock in our new fabulous rocking chair :)

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Week 21

I had an appointment to get a progesterone shot today, and I had the nurse double check with Dr. C before she gave it - Dr. C hasn't been there the last 2 weeks so she still didn't know the other doctor put me back on the shots. Well, no surprise here, but I am once again no longer on the shots. So basically I drove there for nothing (although I did get to hear Landon's heartbeat!). My next ultrasound is next week.

My belly is officially big enough for people to want to randomly rub it. Yep.

Logan felt Landon kick this weekend! The little boy is definitely moving more, which is seriously one of the best things about being pregnant. What an awesome reminder that there's a life inside me. :)

We're one week away from the point our last pregnancy ended, and I have to admit that I'm not as freaked out as I anticipated. I think it's because we've been rather busy lately, so I haven't been dwelling on it. Although I will feel a bit of relief once we get to 23 weeks, I still won't be completely at ease until I'm holding Landon. Oh, we CANNOT WAIT for that day.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

The good and the bad - Part 2

If you haven't read it already, here's part one.

One thing that really made me feel better (even to this day) was when people called Levi by name. Logan and I consider him a part of our family, even though he's not here with us, so having other people acknowledge that he lived for a brief time is definitely comforting.

I know I mentioned in part one a couple things that people said that weren't exactly comforting. But sometimes it's not always what people say that hurts - it's what they don't say. There were certain people in my life that didn't tell me anything once they found out about Levi. And that hurt. Although I do realize many people don't know what to say in that situation, ignoring the situation can make it worse. All you really need to say is something simple, like "I'm sorry for your loss" or "I'm praying for you." Heck, you can even say, "I don't know what to say." Because even that is better than not saying anything.

I remember we were at a big gathering one night (church event, I guess you could say), and I was really nervous because I knew I would see people I hadn't seen since losing Levi. And unfortunately, there were a couple people who didn't come talk to us like they normally did. On the flip side, though, one friend came up to me, gave me a little hug, and told me he was praying for me. He didn't say anything about what happened - but he didn't need to. We both knew what he was talking about without having to go into details, and what he did say was all I needed to hear. Prayer is the best gift.

The last not-so-good thing I'll talk about happened rather often. Like I said before, losing babies is more common than you would think, so many women have experienced it. That being said, I had people tell me that they knew what I was going through. And I don't mean to sound rude when I say this, but...nobody knew what I was going through. Only Logan knows the extent of that awful night at the hospital, because he was there, but even he doesn't know what went on in my heart (except from what he read in my journal). I know a lot of people can relate when it comes to losing a baby, but there are so many other factors - too many to mention. So let's just leave it at this: everybody grieves differently. So saying "I know how you feel" can be frustrating to the person you're talking to.

This last "good" thing goes along with the first paragraph...it really is comforting when people remembered Levi's due date and the anniversary of his death. Sometimes you feel like you're the only one who remembers the baby you lost, so having people remember those important dates shows that he was a part of other people's lives as well. Even 2 years later, I had several friends and family members remember the anniversary of the day we lost Levi. So, so awesome.

I just have to say that I don't hold it against anybody who has said or done any of the "bad" things. My sole purpose of this post is to give people insight from a person who has lost a precious baby. It can be a very sensitive topic and I feel obligated to share my thoughts with others! Thanks for being understanding :)

Thursday, February 2, 2012

The good and the bad - Part 1

So, I said I would write about the good things people did/said when we lost Levi, as well as the things that reallllly could have been left unsaid. I don't want to start on a bad note - nor end on one - so I'll start with some good things, talk about the not-so-good stuff, and then end on some more good stuff. Sound good? :) Oh, and so this isn't too long of a post, I had to split it into two parts.

We were pretty overwhelmed by all of the people who sent flowers and cards to us - it really showed us how many people were thinking of us. And I also have to say that I still have all of the cards people gave us in Levi's box - which has everything given to us at the hospital, including the outfit they put his body in. So we will have those cards forever!

Another thing that was greatly appreciated was the food people brought. The night I was discharged from the hospital, we had 2 families bring food over - and let me tell you, food was the last thing on my mind, so it was really nice not to have to think about what to fix for dinner (although I was really blessed with that, anyway, because my parents stayed at our house for a few days afterwards).

There was one thing that people said that was intended to comfort me, but it really just made me mad. They would tell me that I was going to have another baby soon. And to that I wanted to say, Really? How do you know that? Did God tell you or something? (Sorry, sarcasm is a fault of mine...). It just really bothered me that people would just assume that I'd have another baby (and soon, at that), because we just don't know how things are going to work out. Plus, I lost the only son I had at the time, and right after, I wasn't thinking about having another one right away - I was still missing the one I lost (not to mention completely terrified about going through the same thing again!). Even as time passed, people continued to tell me that we would have a baby soon....but of course we didn't get pregnant until we had been trying for a year and a half.

Some people also told me that losing babies is common (as if that were going to make me feel better!), and although I know that's true, everybody's experience is different. Just because it's "common" doesn't make it less painful.

Now to end on a good point - I really appreciated when people just listened to me. It's hard to express yourself after losing a baby, but I'm blessed with some very special people in my life who knew when I needed to talk. And sometimes talking about it - without having the other person try to give you false hope - can make all the difference in the world.

I'll post Part 2 this weekend!

I just have to say that I don't hold it against anybody who has said or done any of the "bad" things. My sole purpose of this post is to give people insight from a person who has lost a precious baby. It can be a very sensitive topic and I feel obligated to share my thoughts with others! Thanks for being understanding :)


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