"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Tuesday is the day!

Tuesday is officially the big day! It's strange to pick your baby's birthday, in a sense, but I have to admit there are positives. It makes planning a heck of a lot easier!

I'm trying to focus on the positives about having a C-section, and it's definitely helping my attitude. It dawned on me that I would probably be freaking out if there was the added pressure of needing to get the stitches out before delivery. Logan and I don't need that extra stress (heck, Dr. H doesn't either, for that matter)! Plus, I'm glad I was able to accept the whole C-section thing as opposed to needing one last-minute and being disappointed. Now I can just focus on our baby!

I've been cramping a lot ever since yesterday, and last night I didn't sleep too well because of it. There was almost an hour where contractions were coming every 9 minutes, but thankfully they slowed down. All of these false alarms are going to make me crazy!

Dr. H wants to see me again on Monday, so I have yet another appointment, as well as my pre-op stuff for the C-section.

Less than a week until we meet Landon! I am beyond excited. Logan and I keep saying how it's not going to be real until we have our baby in our arms. We can't believe we're this close!

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Week 37 - More decisions!

I should know by now not to make plans. Seriously.

But before I get to that, I have to say that when I passed Dr. H in the hallway before my exam, he looked genuinely surprised and exclaimed, "You're still pregnant??" Later on, he told me he had a dream about me while he was out of town and that he had a long talk about me with one of the on-call doctors before he left, because he really thought something was going to happen. I must be giving him more gray hairs...ha.

So, the whole removing-the-cerclage thing. It turns out that Dr. H had a really hard time getting it out because the dang stitches had been absorbed into my cervix. He was only able to get the end off, which means I shouldn't feel that pain anymore because I won't be "poked", but the majority of the stitch is still stuck in my cervix. (I'm sorry if I'm not explaining it well...he drew a picture so it makes sense in my head.) The whole experience was worse than I was expecting, probably because he couldn't get it out, and he even wanted me to stay off my feet for the rest of the day because there was a good bit of bleeding. And that's where the whole "I should know by now not to make plans" comment comes in. (I still got my yarn and diapers though - just via wheelchair and not by leisurely walking. Sigh.)

I'm trying not to give too many details because I realize it's weird and gross and everything. Sorry if it's still TMI.

Because the cerclage is still mostly in, Dr. H gave me 2 options: 1) schedule a C-section for next week, and 2) wait to go into labor, get an epidural and remove the stitch then.

Not exactly something you want to hear when I wasn't wanting a C-section or an epidural. But, like I said, I should know by now not to make plans. This whole pregnancy has taught me that.

The reason for needing an epidural regardless (C-section or not) is because he needs me as relaxed as possible in order to get the stitch out. Even then, though, it's not guaranteed that Dr. H will be able to get the stitches out. Which is why he made it clear that he felt more comfortable scheduling a C-section instead of risking something going wrong when I'm in labor. He even said he doesn't usually schedule sections before 39 weeks, but he really doesn't want anything to go wrong. It was actually pretty sweet, because he brought up last time and how we don't want a similar experience, and that "this is an important baby." We most definitely agree. :)

Because I didn't know what the heck to think, he gave us a couple hours to think it over and had me call him back this afternoon. As much as I was really wanting to avoid a C-section, Logan and I decided that it makes the most sense in our situation. There are several things that could happen where we'd need a C-section anyway, especially if he can't get the stitches out, so we're basically "taking the guesswork out of it", in the words of Dr. H. I appreciate Dr. H's honesty about what he wants to do, because he's usually the type of doctor that will let the patient decide.

Unfortunately, my "ideal birth" isn't going to happen regardless, and at first I was bummed...but Logan and I realized that we just want a healthy baby in the end. Dr. H wants the same thing, and he feels going ahead with a C-section has the best chance of a good outcome. So, we're going to trust him on that. And quite honestly, I'm rather surprised at how at peace I am about it now.

Dr. H is supposed to call me tomorrow to schedule the C-section for sure, but today we talked about maybe doing it on Tuesday. But we'll definitely have a little baby boy in our arms by Wednesday. :) You know I'll keep everyone posted!

Logan and I most definitely appreciate the kind words and prayers. We love you all :)

Saturday, May 26, 2012

We've got big plans

3 days left until these darn stitches will be GONE. Oh yes.

Sometimes the pain from my cerclage seems a little bit better, and other times, um...it hurts. More than I would like. I think the contractions are slightly better, for the most part (maybe the progesterone is good for something?), although every now and then my body likes to scare me by the contractions coming in regular intervals for a good half hour or so.

I already have big plans for Tuesday after my appointment. And by big plans I mean going to buy diapers and yarn and using my Barnes & Noble gift card. It's pretty pathetic how excited I am, but you've got to think that I haven't been able to walk around leisurely since November. I'll probably get pooped out after 5 minutes, but that's not going to stop me!

Tuesday is also Logan's birthday, so we'll get some lunch to celebrate both that and the cerclage removal.

Of course, all of these "big plans" are assuming that I won't go into labor right after. We would totally be okay with that, though...although we're trying not to get that thought too stuck in our minds. Landon could always hang out for another couple of weeks. At this point, that really wouldn't surprise me.

In the meantime, I'll be lying down and crocheting with the last bit of yarn I have left. That, and watching entirely too much Netflix. I lead an exhilarating life indeed.

And here's another baby blanket I made, which looks very random, but I was practicing changing colors. I totally wanted to make the border thicker, but my green yarn was limited. Oh well.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Just 6 more days. Please?

Dr. H called me not long after I posted yesterday's update (so go read it if you haven't yet!). He wanted to see how I was doing, as well as tell me something I was not expecting....he's going out of town!

So yeah, in addition to dealing with this stupid cerclage pain and having to lie down all the time, I'm now also worried that something will happen before he comes back on Monday. Because seriously, if another doctor has to deliver this baby after all of this, I would be pretty upset. And the only way another doctor would have to is if my doctor is out of town.

If you haven't noticed, I've been rather emotional lately. Let's hope I don't completely lose it in the next 6 days. Ha.

Since Dr. H is wonderful (seriously, he has a good reason for leaving), he made sure to tell me which doctor is on call on which days, and he said he's going to tell them all about me in case something happens. He also told me all of the things that warrant a trip to the hospital.

It's a good thing I didn't get my cerclage out yesterday, eh? When we talked, he even said I could go in yesterday afternoon to get it out if I wanted (since the pain has not gotten better). But I certainly wasn't going to go for that with him leaving. Dr. H has told me a couple of times that once he takes the cerclage out, either I'll go another couple of weeks, or I'll go into labor within 24 hours. So yeah, not taking that risk.

Honestly, I'm rather worried that I'm not going to make it until Tuesday. At first it wasn't a big deal, but now with Dr. H gone, I'm a little on edge. It's hard not to be when every time I get up to use the bathroom I feel pressure and pain, and sometimes my contractions start to be regular. But thankfully, they haven't been regular long enough to go to the hospital yet.

6 days. 6 days. 6 days. 6 days.

St. Gerard, pray for us!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Week 36 - Decisions, decisions

My appointment was originally for today, but I ended up going in yesterday because my cerclage started hurting over the weekend. I've certainly felt it before, but it was just uncomfortable and would go away after awhile. This time it was actually painful and didn't get better.

Everything checked out okay, though. Dr. H said he really wanted to keep the cerclage in for another week, and told me to take Tylenol #3 as needed for pain, as well as progesterone 3 times a day (which I never did get filled from last week because I'm tired of pills, but he insisted this week so I complied). Since he knew I was in pain, Dr. H gave me the option of going back today to get the cerclage taken out a week early.

I didn't really see that one coming, and to be honest, it freaked me out and also made me sigh of relief at the same time. Because while I certainly don't like the idea of hurting for another week, I also don't want to take out the cerclage just yet. I mean, I want to, but I know that's not the best option right now. Baby boys are apparently "wimpy", so keeping Landon in for as long as possible is ideal.

After much thought and prayers (and tears, not going to lie), I decided to tough it out for another week. Prayers are definitely appreciated. Logan has pretty much banned me from leaving the house this week, and I'm trying to lie down most of the day. It stinks, though, because even when I lie down, my cerclage hurts every time I turn from side to side. I tried Tylenol yesterday but it didn't help.

The good news is that Landon's head is down now - which could be contributing to the pain. And he's still moving a lot and his heartbeat is going strong. That's the important thing right now.

I'm trying not to get too frustrated, because every time we reach yet another milestone or get close to one, something else comes up. But I know that it will all be worth it in the end!

"It takes no less than the dying to self so that something new can be born." -Msgr. Bob Guste

Friday, May 18, 2012

Crocheting success!

I ended up undoing that baby blanket I talked about because I realized the sides were totally uneven. I definitely counted wrong or added extra stitches or something. But that's totally okay, because I ended up doing a bunch of smaller things while I waited for some new yarn and crochet hooks (A friend said I should order online. Silly me never thought about that before! So now I can pick out my own yarn. Yay.).

It really bothered me that I never finished a baby blanket, so I started again with a different pattern when the new yarn arrived. And here it is! I love, love, love it. Logan says it's girly but oh wellll.
(It cracks me up to see Marley's head in the corner of the picture. Lazy dog.)
Here are a couple of the baby beanie hats I made. There are some other small things I did but I don't have pictures...
Definitely one of the good things to come out of this modified bedrest nonsense is that I learned to crochet. I'm pretty sure that I never would have taken the time to learn otherwise!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Week 35 - yes, I'm still pregnant :)

It's pretty funny how many people are surprised that I haven't delivered yet. Dr. H walked in the exam room today and said "You're still pregnant? Are you trying to break a record or something?"

But of course he's thrilled that we made it this far. Despite that, though, he still wants me to take it easy for the next 2 weeks until he takes the cerclage out. He figures since we made it to this point, might as well keep on truckin'!

Dr. H doesn't think Landon is breech. Yay! He just thinks he's lying at an angle - so his head isn't in my pelvis. And that totally makes sense, based on what I've been feeling. I'm thinking that it's probably a good thing Landon's head (or any other body part, for that matter) isn't putting any pressure on my cervix. I've been wondering why I haven't felt much pressure lately, so now I know!

If Landon's head doesn't move by some chance, then I'll need a c-section. But Dr. H said there's still time!

The biggest issue at this point is the contractions. Yesterday I counted over 50, and that's not including the 2 hours I was at church. Pretty crazy! Dr. H said once again that I can take ibuprofen (which I haven't tried yet), but that still makes me nervous. So he said to try taking 2 Procardia pills every now and then to see if that helps. But that also makes me nervous because it drops my blood pressure. So I think I'll wait until I'm not home alone to try that one. He also gave me a prescription for progesterone in case I wanted to see if that helped with the contractions. Ah. Enough with the pills already!

I already have my appointment scheduled to have the cerclage taken out in 2 weeks. Woo hoo! I am going back next week too, though.

14 days left, baby. So excited!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Mother's Day - from a different perspective once again

My history with Mother's Day has been rather different than most people's. Although yesterday was my 3rd Mother's Day, I still haven't actually celebrated with my own child in my arms.

In 2010, I was missing our precious Levi (heck, I still am!).

In 2011, we had Bamm Bamm and his cute little self. So I was a mommy and a foster mommy!

Now in 2012, we're eagerly awaiting the arrival of Landon. I have to say, this has been the easiest Mother's Day thus far. :)

At least when it comes to being a mommy and all of that. I actually had a rather rough day (in the evening, specifically) when it came to contractions and everything. There was one hour where I seemed to have one Braxton-Hicks after another (I'm thinking I had at least 10), and a couple of them were borderline painful. Logan got into panic mode and proceeded to clean the whole house (in case we ended up going to the hospital) while I took a shower. Looking back, it was rather funny. ;) But thankfully, the contractions slowed down. I didn't sleep too well, though.

Today I decided to keep track of just how many contractions I have, since I know I have a lot on some days but have never counted. I figure it wouldn't hurt to be able tell Dr. H tomorrow how ridiculous they can be sometimes. Plus I'm pretty curious as to how often they really do happen!

In honor of Mother's Day and all, I also wanted to say how I'm still VERY aware of how the holiday is not very easy for many women. Some are dealing with the loss of their children, and some are dealing with the fact that they haven't been able to have children. And of course there are the men and women whose mothers are no longer with us. I am very grateful that God has allowed me to see a different perspective, even though I no longer consider myself one of those people who struggle with Mother's Day. But I definitely remember all too well how painful it can be.

Blessed Mother of God, pray for us!

Friday, May 11, 2012

Worry. Such a terrible thing.

As much as I'm trying to be optimistic about Landon's entrance into this world going smoothly, I seriously can't help but worry about something going wrong. I think it's because of our experience with losing Levi. We don't know what it's like to bring home a healthy baby, and it's still pretty unreal to us that we're this close.

I wish I could stop thinking abut those bad memories from 2 1/2 years ago, but considering it's my only experience delivering a baby, I don't think that's going to happen. Sigh.

The fact that Landon is breech just adds to my anxiety about everything. We finally make it to 34 weeks, and now I have to worry about him turning in time. Awesome.

Just to be clear, I'm not in a constant state of worry. But I certainly have my moments - especially when the Braxton-Hicks contractions get rather intense and I start feeling things that could be real contractions. I haven't even changed my activity level either, because I want to make it to my appointment on Tuesday. Hopefully Dr. H will make me feel better about everything.

18 days until the cerclage comes out...but who's counting? ;)

Matthew 6:34 - Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Week 34 - we made it!

Well, 34 weeks is obviously a pretty big deal, because Dr. C said she doesn't need to see me anymore after today! Since I don't see Dr. H until next week, she made sure to tell me to call him (or go to Labor & Delivery) if I have any bleeding, my water breaks, or if I have more than 4 really painful contractions in an hour. She said they would go ahead and cut the cerclage then so my cervix doesn't tear. That is definitely one of my [many] fears - my cervix tearing because of the cerclage still in place. Ouch. There are several times where I've had more than 4 contractions in an hour, but she said I'll want to kill my husband because of the pain. Ha. I certainly haven't reached that point yet! :)

Landon is 5 lb 7 oz! Big boy. Dr. C said he's breech, so pray that he turns in time! I'm a little nervous about that, because he seems quite content where he's at. We shall see, though.

My cervix looks the same, still open at the top and funneling down. It looks like a carrot on the ultrasound (is that a weird analogy?) because it tapers down to where the stitch is holding it closed at the bottom. If that makes any sense.

Logan and I have begun counting down to 37 weeks, since that is when I'll have the stitches removed (assuming things don't happen before that). That is also when I can stop taking Procardia. Yay! Today I stop taking baby aspirin, so I'm pretty excited about not having to take so many pills soon (oh, the little things in life).

37 weeks just so happens to be Logan's birthday, so we have a lot to look forward to in the next few weeks.

Random fact of the day: 8 years ago today, Logan asked me to be his girlfriend. And now we're married, expecting a baby very soon! Oh, how time flies. :)

Friday, May 4, 2012

My best friend

I don't think a lot of people realize just how difficult bed rest can be on other people - yes, I'm obviously affected, but Logan is equally affected...just in a different way.

For the past several months now, Logan has been doing all of the cleaning, cooking, and grocery shopping for us. And for someone who never cooked before (with the exception of fabulous pancakes on Saturday mornings) and who never really had to shop by himself before, that's a heck of a lot to take on. Especially when you're cooking for a pregnant woman and shopping for a gal who is all about getting good deals (yes, I most definitely send him to the store with a detailed list and coupons).

Of course, Logan is also working his full-time day job with occasional weddings to film on the weekends. The man is my hero. And this is just a small way to show how much I appreciate him. :)

I've been wanting to acknowledge just how much Logan has been doing lately, and then when he came home from the grocery store yesterday completely LIVID, I was reminded yet again that I'm not the only one who is struggling with this bed rest thing. I was also reminded that one of the good things for me is that I haven't been to Wal-Mart in over 5 months - oh, how life is so much better that way. ;)

Seriously, though...I know a lot of people ask me how I'm doing and if I need anything, and that's greatly appreciated. Just don't forget about my wonderful husband!

Logan and his godson (our nephew) Dominic. Yep, he's going to be a great daddy. :)

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Week 33

Dr. C wasn't there today, so I didn't have an ultrasound. Unfortunately that is the best way to see my cervix, so we don't know exactly how much of it is left. But Dr. H checked it manually and said the stitches were intact. That surprised me actually, because the last couple of days have gotten even worse as far as pressure goes, and I can feel my stitches when I stand up most of the time. Dr. H said it's because Landon is bigger, so we'll just go with that.

My contractions have definitely picked up, and sometimes the Procardia doesn't help. I'm also limited on how often I can take it since it lowers my blood pressure. Dr. H said I could take Ibuprofen as long as it was only occasionally (and not around the clock), but that makes me nervous. Oh well.

Dr. H thinks we're doing really good by having gotten to this point and said 34 weeks is a big milestone. I asked what would happen if my water broke (since that thought keeps coming to mind, yikes), and if it were to happen in the next few days, they'd stop labor. But it sounded like he wouldn't be too concerned if it happened after 34 weeks.

At the end of my appointment, Dr. H asked me how many more kids I planned on having. I always said I'd take as many as God would give us, but after all this, I'm not sure how that would work out. So I told him that, kind of forcing a laugh while saying it. He just smiled but didn't say anything, and I didn't ask why he wanted to know since I was close to crying just thinking about it (darn hormones). This pregnancy has been difficult enough, and that's without having any children to take care of at the same time! Subsequent pregnancies and how they would go has definitely crossed my mind, but I'm trying not to dwell on that right now. We just want to make it through this pregnancy first!

Today is Levi's due date - 2 years later, of course. And I honestly don't know if I would have realized that if Logan hadn't pointed it out to me over the weekend. It's just crazy (and a little depressing) to think how we could have a 2-year old right now. But at least we've been blessed with another little boy that should be with us soon!


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