"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Friday, October 19, 2012

Still thinking about our Levi

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Monday was actually National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day, but I realized after I already posted something else that day.

I've been thinking a lot about Levi lately. I knew that once Landon was with us, we'd feel less pain when thinking about Levi. And that did happen...at first. What I didn't expect was for the opposite to happen as well. Losing Levi was the most painful experience I've had yet, and yes, Landon's arrival made all of that pain worth it. But then I realized that being a mother - and seeing Logan as a father - has been so much better than I had imagined. Seriously. Logan and I have enjoyed being parents so much, especially once Landon hit the 3-month mark. My mom told me from the beginning that it gets easier after the first 3 months, and she was totally right.

So yeah. Landon has brought us so much joy that one day it hit me: we missed out on this with Levi. I know that may sound a little pessimistic to you optimistic folks, but it's true. When we lost Levi, we knew we weren't going to see him grow up. We knew we'd never see him smile or hear him laugh. But now that Landon is here, we know how awesome those moments really are. I still do take consolation in the fact that Levi is with God right now, and honestly, that's the biggest blessing that comes from losing a baby - knowing that our job (to get him to Heaven) is complete. And that also gives us another reason to get to Heaven...so we can see our precious Levi again.

Just so you know, Landon totally looks like his brother. We took out Levi's pictures after getting home from the hospital, and it's crazy how similar they look, despite Levi being only 5 months gestation.

We have one son in Heaven praying for us and the other one here to pray with us. I don't think it gets any better than that! :)

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