"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

God provides

I don't usually like to post super long blog entries, but this one got away from me! Sorry in advance :)

Not too many people know this story (until now! ha), but when I was pregnant the first time around, I was struggling with the decision as to whether or not I would continue working when Levi was born. I had always wanted to stay home with any children I might have, but there were a couple things stopping me. First, money. I wasn't sure if we could make it on one income back then (that was before I followed blogs about frugal living). Second, I loved my job. I actually interviewed for the position 2 days before I knew I was pregnant, and since I was due in May, I wouldn't even finish an entire school year. That was a little depressing, because I finally enjoyed working (my first RN job was NOT FUN. Night shifts, no sleeping, loss of appetite. Yep, I was loads of fun then, ask Logan).

So yeah. I prayed about it often, since I really didn't know what to do. I felt more a pull towards staying home with Levi, but there were still those questions...Would we make it financially? Would I regret not working?

I would try to explain how I felt, but instead I'll just share what I wrote in my journal when I was 10 weeks pregnant:
Something I've been thinking about more and more these days is if I'm going to go back to work next year once I have the baby. I'd rather stay home and raise my child more than anything else, but I also don't know if I could quit nursing altogether. I feel called to be a nurse, but I also feel called to be a mother. And I'm realizing just how important it is to be a mother, especially one who stays at home. There's just this battle going on inside, and I don't know if I'll ever be completely at peace about what decision I make. I know I still have time to decide, but I don't like thinking about how I could make a decision I'll regret. What I need to do is stop worrying about the whole thing and just bring it to prayer. Jesus and His Mother will help me do the right thing.

The weekend after Christmas when I was almost 22 weeks pregnant, Logan and I went to vigil mass for the Feast of the Holy Family. As I was praying during the mass, the whole working vs. staying at home situation came up. This is what I wrote later:

Let's just say a few new thoughts came to my mind, and I'm pretty sure I can thank the Holy Family for them. First I was basically reminded of the fact that it would be extremely hard to leave my son 5 days a week. Then I realized that if I still worked, I might not get to see Levi crawl for the 1st time or make his 1st steps. There's a lot of things I could miss. Just thinking about that made my eyes tear up. I don't want to regret not being able to raise my son. Of course, I don't want to regret giving up being a nurse either, but I've got to think about which one is more important. Yesterday I really felt like God is calling me to go against the majority and be a stay-at-home mom, and yet, I still can't bring myself to make a definite decision. Maybe I just need to think about how God may have a bigger plan for me as a mom than as a nurse. You never know, other opportunities could come about if I give up my nursing job.

Two days later, we were in the hospital, saying goodbye to Levi. And I couldn't help but think about the irony of the situation - I finally had my answer about staying at home, and now it didn't matter... because there was no baby to stay home with.

But even to this day (sorry about that depressing moment there), when I wonder if we can really make this work financially, I think about that moment in mass when I felt called to stay at home. Actually, the fact that I felt like I still couldn't make a "definite decision" totally makes sense - because at the time, I didn't need to.

But when Landon came, I had to decide. And as most of you know, I stay home with Landon for the most part. This time it was a no-brainer, because I waited 3 years to hold a baby in my arms and I didn't care what it took to stay home with him.

It hasn't been easy, by any means, since our financial situation is still pretty much the same as it was when we first got married, and we knew I couldn't quit working completely. I've been doing all kinds of things to lower our budget, and things are still tight. Seriously, there are days where I look at our income vs. expenses and wonder how the heck we've done it for this long, since I haven't worked full-time in a year (thanks to bed rest), and I've only been working once a week since August. But if there is anything we have seen proven over and over from this past year is that God provides.

There have been many times where I wasn't sure how we would pay for certain bills, but somehow it always works out. It's been pretty incredible. We are still debt-free (other than our mortgage), and we still have a decent savings account, which we haven't had to tap into for several months.

I really have no explanation other than that when we do God's will, as impossible as it may seem, He takes care of us. Truly. Sometimes it's hard to trust that God will provide, since unexpected things happen. It also hasn't been easy when we live in a world that tells you to buy anything and everything. When people I work with find out I only work once a week now, the response is usually, "Oh, that must be nice" - as if we have more than enough money. I can't help but laugh, because if they really knew the sacrifices Logan and I have both made for it to be even remotely possible, well...they would think we are nuts.

But all of the sacrifices, stress, hard work, and extra prayers has totally been worth it! It's been awesome watching Landon grow and develop over these past (almost) 9 months. That has been something money cannot buy! :)


"Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway." -Eleanor Roosevelt

3 comments:

  1. Jen, I love you.  And I wish we lived closer.  The end.  <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. I had a feeling you would like this one :)

    Logan and I were totally saying earlier that we wished y'all lived closer!

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  3. Love ya'll!

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