"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Levi's Story: final thoughts

Read Levi's Story here.

Part of the reason why I never posted Levi's Story is because I didn't want to just end it like that - we went home and I was miserable. I could never find the right words to explain just what happened in the months (and sadly, years) that followed.

The truth is - and if you've been following this blog from the beginning, you'll know this - the months that followed were hard. Hard because of losing Levi, hard because of the hospital experience, and hard because we didn't easily get pregnant again. At first, I wasn't even sure I wanted to get pregnant again, because the thought of experiencing the same thing over again was horrifying. I cried a lot, for many different reasons. It took a long time to feel like myself again. And honestly, it wasn't until Landon was in my arms 2 1/2 years later that I could really, really be at peace about everything.

It's probably obvious now why it took me years to share the details. Although it was hard for Logan and me to both reread - and in a sense, relive - this whole experience, we know without a doubt that it was all part of God's plan all along. We knew that back then, but it was hard to see when everything was so new.


"When there’s something that you want and believe in so much – trusting that God will do it – and for some reason He chooses not to give it to you, that’s when you walk by faith. You decide to still trust that God knows what He’s doing." – Jeremy Camp


So, this was our story. [I hope you aren't too traumatized!] One thing I feel passionately about is that everyone has their own story with different circumstances that make the "recovery time" a little different. Here were my circumstances:

Back then, I didn't have anyone I knew personally that had gone through a similar experience. I knew people who had miscarriages, but it wasn't the same thing. I'm not saying what I went through was harder - because I know losing a baby is hard no matter when or how it happens - but it really would have helped knowing other people went through the same thing. The physical pain, the delivery, etc.

Logan and I had been married for less than 7 months when we lost Levi. And I know now how much of a miracle it is that we are still together. Nobody expects to deal with that kind of thing, much less in the first year of marriage. And I will honestly tell you that it, along with our trying-to-conceive journey, has made a lot of things hard in our marriage - sex, to be specific. But that's a topic for another day. [Okay, honestly, I probably won't ever write about that - our parents do read this. ;)]

This one can't be helped, and I know some of my friends who have yet to conceive a child deal with the same thing, but...babies are everywhere. Pregnant bellies, ultrasound pictures, babies, kids - you just can't escape all of it. And unfortunately it can be a reminder of what you lost or don't yet have. I had several friends pregnant at the same time as me, so that meant they were still pregnant while I was not. It was definitely bittersweet, because I was happy for them...but it was hard seeing people with what I lost.

Another thing that made it hard was the fact that it was our first baby. I know if I lose another baby it will still be hard, but there's no doubt in my mind that having Landon will make it just a tad bit easier - I won't have those questions like, "Will I ever have a healthy baby?" "What if we won't have anymore biological children?"

But then I know it's also hard to lose babies when you already have children because then you have to explain it to them. I can't imagine what it'd be like to have to explain to your children that they won't get to meet their new baby brother or sister after all, because now he/she is with Jesus. I can't imagine.

I also can't imagine trying several months or years to get pregnant, only to lose that "miracle baby." Seriously, I can't imagine. I got pregnant with Levi 2 months after we got married, and that was hard enough!

I should also mention that in a way, Logan and I are blessed in the fact that we knew we were having a boy, and we did get to see him - although not in the way we expected. Women who lose babies early on don't always know if the baby was a boy or girl, and I'm assuming that only adds to the pain.

The point I'm making is that we all have our own unique story with different circumstances. That's part of the reason why that phrase "I know what you're going through" is not exactly my favorite. Yes, we may be able to relate to each other, but nobody ever knows everything a person is going through. We only know when they tell us their story....and we listen.

What's your story? I'd love to hear :)


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