"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Remembering Levi and all the other babies

It's common knowledge that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. But lesser known is the fact that it's also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

As most of you know, this blog was created after we lost our first son, Levi, when I was 22 weeks pregnant. It was the most traumatizing event in my short life thus far, but I know a lot of good has come from it.

Although I posted a recap about what happened, and Logan wrote his version of the story, we didn't go into too much detail about that traumatic day (December 29, 2009). A few months later, though, I wrote a very detailed version of what happened within those 24 hours, starting with the night before. Several times I considered posting it on here, but didn't want to make anybody feel uncomfortable. So I refrained. The only people who have read it to this day are Logan and my sister-in-law.

Now, though, it's been close to 4 years, and many people close to me still don't know exactly what happened. And I know they don't need to....but I also know that many people don't really understand what it's like to lose a baby, or even lose one that far along in the pregnancy. As hard as it may be to hear about it, I almost feel like people should hear about it. There are so many hurting women that feel like nobody understands their pain. Losing a baby is so personal, and affects everybody differently. But the one thing that we all share in common is that we will grieve and think about our babies for the rest of our lives. There's a different aspect when it comes to losing a baby - you lose a little human being that only you knew because you were privileged to carry them for a short time. So it's hard for people to understand when all they saw was probably an ultrasound picture.

Even though Logan and I feel so blessed to now have Landon, there are still times when I think about my Levi and wonder what he would look like now at 3 years of age. I think about how Levi and Landon would have probably gotten into so much mischief together. And I think about how much I just really want to hug and kiss Levi a million times a day like I have the privilege of doing with Landon.

Since October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, I'm going to share Levi's story with you on that day. Like I said, I wrote it over 3 years ago, with only a few edits here and there. There's blood, pain, and tears involved, so I do want to warn you. And since it's entirely too long to publish in one post, I'll split it up into 4 or 5 posts. Afterwards, I'll consolidate it under one page - Levi's Story will have it's own tab under the title of our blog.

I'm not doing this for sympathy, because we don't need it. I'm simply doing it to bring awareness to something people don't usually talk about - our babies born into Heaven.

"We’re not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." – C.S. Lewis


  1. Jen, Thanks for putting yourself out by sharing this. I'm sure it will be a blessing and a call to compassion for all who read.

  2. Thank you for being so brave as to allow others the intimate experience of hearing your story.


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