"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Sunday, December 29, 2013

4 years later

I know I post on Levi's special day every year (or the day after), and this year I felt a little silly for the first time. I mean, I'll probably post something every year while I have this blog, because he is our son and we love him and miss him and still wish he were with us on earth.

But for the first time, after 4 years, I can honestly say that's it not as hard to think about him.

One year after losing Levi, it was obviously the hardest, being so fresh and also not having been able to get pregnant again.

Two years after, I was pregnant with Landon, so it was a little bit easier. But it was also hard (and so scary!) knowing that the same thing could happen again. I had already been on strict bed rest for 2 weeks and gotten a cerclage, and it was uncertain how the rest of the pregnancy would go.

Last year, we finally had Landon (who was 6 months old then), and although I was expecting it to be easy, I found myself mourning the fact that we didn't get to see Levi grow up. Having Landon made us realize just how much of a blessing children really are.

And now this year, Landon is almost 19 months old and it's been the best 19 months ever. No, it hasn't been a walk in the park (is it ever?!), but honestly, I did not expect to enjoy parenthood this much. And now that we're blessed with another baby in my belly (so soon after! so unexpected!), I can't help but feel that our time of mourning has ended. I know it's totally possible that we might lose this baby too, but I guess you can say I have more trust in the fact that if that were to happen, it is part of God's will and He will no doubt use that.

Yes, we will always be a little sad on December 29, and we will forever miss our little guy, but I still rest in the peace that we will see him again one day. In the meantime, we will continue to ask our prayer warrior for his daily intercession. Truly, that is one of greatest blessings of such a big loss - we now have a little saint in heaven who is praying for our family and friends often. Praise be to God.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, pray for us! (It makes me so happy that today happens to be the Feast of the Holy Family!)

"And let the peace of Christ control your hearts, the peace into which you were also called in one body. And be thankful." -Colossians 3:15

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