"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

So glad God knows better

Like I said before, I've been taking it pretty easy around here until my next appointment - I guess you could say we put myself on modified bed rest.

My mind has been pretty messed up lately, because I end up just laying there, wondering how in the heck I'm going to survive this pregnancy with a strong-willed toddler running around and a spoiled rotten dog who has to lay on top of me. [Okay, so maybe I was thinking that after Logan had worked for 8 straight days. Not fun. Nope nope nope.] I mean, my cervix might totally be fine this time around, and I'm really hoping that's the case. Even then, though, I will still be super paranoid that something will go wrong. Let me just share a few thoughts that have occurred in my head the last couple of weeks (they'll probably sound more dramatic in writing than they do in my head)....

  • [while throwing up] "What's that sharp pain in my abdomen? What if throwing up is going to make me miscarry?" (STUPID. I know.)
  • "Is that cramping in my uterus? Is my cervix starting to open already?!"
  • "Why can't Landon stop acting so crazy? How can I take it easy when he WON'T GO TO SLEEP?
  • Why do I suddenly have to pee all the time? I just went! Why do I have to go again?! I hope this doesn't mean my cervix is opening
  • "What if I have some kind of complication while getting my cerclage? Maybe I shouldn't have one unless I really need it..."
  • "Heck, what am I thinking? I'd go nuts if they didn't stitch up my cervix!" (Yes, I realize I already am nuts.)
You get the picture. My imagination is running wild and I couldn't seem to be at peace with anything.

And then I realized I always had the TV on and was opening my laptop a million times a day. I wasn't allowing any silence in our house, and I wasn't doing the things that keep me calm (or at least I wasn't doing much of them) - reading, writing, and praying. I knew I wasn't doing those things, but for some reason I didn't do anything about it.

So, I decided to make a rule. I wouldn't turn on the TV or open my laptop until I did something else. This morning, I read a book while Landon played. Not only was I calmer and more relaxed for most of the day, I was able to have a lot more patience with Landon. It's amazing the difference it makes to cut out all of the distractions in our lives (mainly, technology) for a little while. I will definitely be doing that more often!

I've also been thinking about the fact that I most likely won't be doing much for the next 6 months, and it started to really get to me. I like being productive, I like keeping our house clean, and I like being available to help my family and friends. And to think that I can't really do that right now was really bothering me.

And then I was slapped across the face (figuratively) and realized that I should be thankful! God knows me better than anyone, and He knows that I love quiet. He knows that I want to write a book but never made the time. And he knows I have a hundred books I want to read even though I've probably only read a handful of books since Landon has been born.

So, here I am, being given several months to stay home and do things that I've been wanting to do but haven't made time for in the past. That opportunity can't be wasted. Instead of focusing on what I can't do - especially if I end up on real bed rest - I need to focus on what I can do.

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections, but instantly set about remedying them – every day begin the task anew." -St. Francis de Sales

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