"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Sunday, March 16, 2014

I just need to trust more


I don't know why I feel like being an idiot every time I go to blog now. Maybe it's my way of dealing wigh he stress. And that is supposed to say "with the stress." I can't even type anymore.

So! I'm officially 21 weeks pregnant and will be 22 weeks on Thursday. And for those of you who don't realize, my pregnant body likes to go crazy at 22 weeks. Exactly 22 weeks. I wish I were kidding.

With Levi, wellllllll, it was the unthinkable. And with Landon, my cervix started being stupid again. (I kind of feel bad calling my cervix stupid, because it's not a person and doesn't know any better…but it's stupid. Just like I am for this little bit of randomness within parentheses.)

And now I'm not so sure what to think as the 22-week mark approaches for the 3rd time. Part of me thinks that things will totally be fine, because my cervix has been fine this time, and I'm not having as many contractions anymore, and I already have a bottle of Procardia at the ready if I were to start having real contractions.

But then I think about how life can change so, so quickly. And it makes me wish I could snap my fingers and suddenly be at least 24 weeks pregnant. Because then I would know that Chase would at least have a chance of surviving if I were to deliver early.

Maybe I shouldn't be thinking about that. Because so far, things have gone well (as far as the risk of premature labor, anyway…). But I can't help it. I will always worry about losing another baby because I know too well what that pain feels like.

Now I feel like I'm worrying too much and that I'm not trusting enough. I mean, I do trust that whatever is supposed to happen, will happen. God has shown me over and over that He knows what's best. Buuuuuut I just can't stop thinking about the possibility of losing Chase. The thought just comes to me over and over and I wish I could stop it.

I'm just going to shut up now.

St. Michael, defend us in battle!

1 comment:

  1. Oh those thoughts that rally against you when you are all day with babies and no adults to help you be "in the now" (for lack of a better phrase).

    Eat lots of protein, have some chocolate and I will say lots of prayers!

    Come Holy Ghost!


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