"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Ohhhh you saw the crazy talk coming

So. My glucose test results came back normal. I'd like to share the response of my sister when I told her: "Good! Wait…maybe?"

Yep. Pretty much.

At first I was like yay, I'm not diabetic. And then I was like oh….when it dawned on me that it means something could be wrong with Chase. So I'm not sure if I should be happy or what. I guess I should take good news for now. I don't know.

It's gotten to the point where I just don't know what to do or think or say anymore, because I'm just so frustrated at the fact that I can't have a normal pregnancy. And then I feel bad because I know some women would give anything to just have a pregnancy. Period. Heck, I was there once.

I feel so blessed to have Chase bouncing around in my belly. More than I can express. But this pregnancy is just taking so much out of me - physically, emotionally, spiritually, you name it. I hate not knowing if Chase is going to be okay, if we'll make it to term, or if the delivery will be okay. There's too many issues that have come up that it scares the heck out of me to think what the rest of the year will bring. I can't help but imagine endless days in the NICU, either from prematurity, a defect, or both. And I know it's certainly possible that I'll carry him to term and that he'll be 100% healthy, because I do believe in miracles….but to be honest, I'm not so sure that's going to happen. Is that bad?

Maybe it's the devil pestering me and maybe it's my intuition. Because seriously, I knew this pregnancy was going to be hard before it even happened. Felt it in my gut. It's been hard for different reasons than I was expecting, but still…hard.

I've been trying to lie down as much as possible, since I am feeling more pressure down there. Every day since Wednesday, I've felt a sharp burning pain, like my cerclage was stretching or something, and it totally freaks me out, even though it only lasts a second or two. I mentioned it to Dr. C on Thursday and she said it's because I'm trying to do too much. Which makes me laugh/cry/want to puke because I'm trying to do as little as possible. I mean, heck, I have a toddler. And my husband works 6 days a week. I HAVE A LIFE. I've come to accept the fact that my house will be a disaster zone for a few more months, but I still need to take care of Landon, let the dog out, and fix us food.

And I'm going to stop venting because I know it doesn't help. Sorry.

The good news is that I haven't been having as many contractions as I did with Landon. Just a lot of pressure. And Chase is still kicking away. Sometimes I need to just focus on the good things we have going for us because dwelling on the bad and the unknown just makes me cry. And I'm not one to cry much usually.

I have to say I've been so humbled by all of the prayers, words of encouragement, and babysitting offers. I truly do have some wonderful people in my life.


I think we've only taken 3 pictures of my pregnant self this time around, which makes me feel bad because we took belly pics weekly with Landon. And I tried not to look so tired in the above photo, but that didn't work out so well. My bad.

Keep the prayers coming. We need them.

1 comment:

  1. Aww, thanks Lauren. Honestly, most days I don't know what I need! If I think of something you could do I'll let you know :)

    ReplyDelete

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