"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Monday, June 16, 2014

Crazy, paranoid…you pick the adjective.

It's been awhile since I've indulged you with my crazy talk. Part of the reason is because things were looking pretty good for awhile as far as Chase is concerned. Yes, my fluid level was high, my cervix was open, etc….but all things considering, things were going pretty smoothly.

And now that my placenta is looking even more ridiculous, welllll all of these thoughts that I've actually been having the last few months (deep down) are all like YOU CAN'T IGNORE US NOW.

Crazy talk. I told you.

Sooo the closer we get to Chase's delivery, the more and more I get just a little more nervous about how it's going to turn out. There have just been too many weird things happen this pregnancy that I can't help but think that it won't be a normal delivery and that Chase won't be completely healthy.

Thick neck, a suspected hole in the heart, too much amniotic fluid, a yucky placenta. Seriously? I know we've ruled out a lot of things and if it had just been one isolated problem, I wouldn't worry, but….it's been one thing after another. Am I crazy? I feel crazy. I'm even borrowing a friend's Doppler until Chase is born (something I said I would never do) because now I'm all paranoid when 10 minutes goes by and I haven't felt Chase move. Even though I know that's completely normal.

[Okay, so maybe I was just paranoid last Wednesday because Chase decided to get all comfy and barely moved so I was trying not to freak out. He was moving, but it was like a nudge here and there and nowhere near the activity I had been feeling previously. The Doppler is now in my possession to hopefully prevent me from losing.my.mind. But thankfully, I've only used it once because Chase is back to his roly poly self.]

I was actually really looking forward to this delivery, because even if I have another C-section (which is the plan at the moment…is it bad I'm still hoping for a VBAC?), I'll get the chance to do skin-to-skin in the OR this time. HOW COOL IS THAT? But now I'm all worried that Chase is going to have something wrong with him where they whisk him away to the NICU.

And of course I'm also worried that my placenta is going to poop out on us and we won't catch it in time and…I don't like to think about that outcome.

Sigh. It's a good thing we're naming this sweet boy Chase Michael because St. Michael…defend us in battle! Please and thank you!

Oh! And we've been asking for Blessed Francis Xavier Seelos's intercession throughout this pregnancy ever since that ultrasound in January. So if you could ask Blessed Seelos for prayers on Chase's behalf that would be so very wonderful. :)

"One great means of preserving constant peace and tranquility of heart is to receive all things as coming from the hands of God, whatever they may be, and in whatever way they may come." - St. Dorotheus 

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