"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Monday, October 20, 2014

Sometimes it's worth the risk (heck, it's ALWAYS worth it)

During my crazy pregnancy with Chase, I had this fear that I would get pregnant soon after he was born. Somehow, his pregnancy was even rougher for me than Landon's was - both emotionally and physically - and the thought of having to do it again so soon after freaked.me.out. It really is an irrational fear, because I didn't get with my period with Landon until the day before he turned a year old. I breastfed him for a year but he mostly got formula, and now Chase is mostly breastfed with just a little bit of formula. So, you would think my chances of getting pregnant anytime soon are even lower than they were with Landon.

But that still doesn't make me feel better. I feel bad even writing about this, because I know several women (including close friends) who would probably give anything right now to be pregnant. And here I am, thinking I cannot get pregnant, nope, nope, nope. 

I should clarify something though, just to make sure you're understanding me. I would love another baby. Totally. Chase is such a good baby that I'm all like, awwww, I could have another of you, yes I could! But being pregnant? Nope. I don't know how I manage to have ridiculous pregnancies, because my mom carried twins with no problem (except one episode of preterm labor, but totally normal considering), and my sister didn't have any big problems with her pregnancy. 

Anyway. I do have a point.

As difficult as my last 2 pregnancies were, I can't help but look at my 2 boys every single day and think how they were so worth it. Every time I threw up, every contraction (and um, I had a million), and every troubling ultrasound. It could have been really, really easy to just call it quits after Landon because of the bed rest and insanity and not knowing how I would ever survive a pregnancy while taking care of another kid. And it'd even be easier after Chase to call it quits because heck no, I don't want another pregnancy roller coaster ride.

But here I am, with my 2 boys, and I am so glad I decided to say yes. Yes to life, yes to the crazy pregnancies, and most importantly, yes to the possibility of loss. After we lost Levi, I honestly didn't know if I wanted to be pregnant again, because the thought of experiencing the same thing was just too much to bear. And with each baby, it's like that fear grows, because you realize even more how precious each life is and the thought of losing one of your babies is frightening (especially if you've already experienced it).

As scary as it to think about yet another crazy pregnancy, or even worse, losing another baby, I can't help but think that God knows what He's doing. So much good has come out of so much bad these last 5 years, so I don't want my fears to make me miss out on what could be another blessing. 

*I should say that Logan and I are not trying to have another baby right now. But if that were to happen unexpectedly, we would embrace it! God knows best! Just saying. :)

These two right here? So worth it.
"Real love is demanding. I would fail in my mission if I did not tell you so. Love demands a personal commitment to the will of God." Pope John Paul II
P.S. It's Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month! Please pray for those who have lost babies. 

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