"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

The pain never goes away

The other night, I was in my bedroom holding a sweet, sleeping Chase and couldn't help but say a little prayer of thanksgiving to God for blessing me with my baby boy. So of course I also said another thank you for his sleeping brother in the next room. I'm so thankful for our two boys, and Logan and I thank God every day for them. 

After thanking God for Landon and Chase, I said one more thank you, almost without even thinking...for our baby boy that is with Him. And then I just started crying. 

I'm not a crier. I definitely cry more than I used to before having kids (pregnancy and breastfeeding hormones, ugh), and maybe I've been crying a little more because it's Lent and God has been working on some stuff in my little heart, but still...not many tear fests going on over here compared to most women. 

So anyway. I'm holding my newest baby boy (he's 8 months old, so not "new" but certainly still my baby!), and I'm crying about my baby I lost over 5 years ago. And I couldn't help but feel a little silly. I mean, I have two living boys now. I'm so blessed. Really, I am! 

But that doesn't mean I can't still grieve the loss of my first baby boy. It's so easy to imagine Levi running around with Landon while Chase takes it all in. What would our house look like with 3 boys?

Yes, I've come to terms with the whole losing-a-baby thing. It hurts much less than it used to, and I can actually see so much good that has come from it. 

But really. The pain never goes away. 

Oh, how is it possible to miss someone so much that you only carried for 5 months? Us women really are something, you know. We feel so deeply, even for a tiny baby that we didn't really know other than the reminder of morning sickness or an ultrasound or for the lucky ones (me), the kicks in utero and the memories (and pictures) of holding a tiny lifeless body. 

Yes, I do consider it a blessing to have gotten to hold my baby boy, despite not being able to see his little eyes or feel his tiny heart beating. Not every grieving mother gets that opportunity.  

No matter how many more kids I have, I will still always wonder what our family would look like with Levi with us here instead of in Heaven. And sometimes it makes me cry to think about it, because man, I miss him. And I know Landon would love having a big brother to play with.

But I can't help but think that that little boy adds to the motivation to get myself (and the rest of my earthly family) to Heaven to see him again. To see Jesus with my baby boy...what a beautiful thought indeed. 

"I am not a theologian or a scholar, but I am very aware of the fact that pain is necessary to all of us. In my own life, I think I can honestly say that out of the deepest pain has come the strongest conviction of the presence of God and the love of God." – Elisabeth Elliot

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