"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Monday, August 10, 2015

Some things you never forget (and our NFP status)

Exactly 6 years ago today, we conceived our first son (who is now in Heaven). It might sound absolutely crazy but I knew during that marital act that something was different. I remember thinking to myself, I think we just made a baby. And turns out we did - with God's help, of course.

This year I remember it even more because the calendar year is exactly the same. It was a Monday. The next day, Tuesday, August 11, I found out my uncle was killed in an accident - leaving behind a wife and 4 kids. Looking back, it's so crazy to think of the whole "God giveth and He taketh away" you always hear. Because seriously, He does. (One of my good friends actually conceived her son the day we lost Levi. True story.)

I just want to randomly throw in here that my late uncle's youngest daughter just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy this weekend, who is named after her father, and although I can't imagine how bittersweet it will be to celebrate the anniversary of his passing tomorrow...I know my uncle is smiling big time about his first grandson. Maybe he's high-fiving Levi, too. :)

It was a little crazy to think that Logan and I were actually trying to have a baby at the time. We were married for barely 2 months, I was unemployed at the time and couldn't find a new job, Logan still had his high school job making not a lot of money, and um....yeah. Looking back, it seems pretty stupid. And I know a lot of people thought we were crazy at the time. (But people are going to think we're crazy no matter what, so whatever.)

But when I think about how that little boy we conceived in those early days of marriage has taught us so much about life and that losing him has truly prepared us for other trials...I'm so grateful we were open to life. Even when it seemed nuts to the rest of the world.

Is it weird that I remember each time I conceived a baby? Seriously. I remember Landon and Chase's conceptions. It's like God gives me a little heads up.

I feel like God gives me a heads up about a lot of things...if I'm willing to listen. Because while we were trying to use NFP to avoid pregnancy until my cycle got going again, I'm starting to wonder why we're doing that. I might not get my cycle back for months. Months that I could be with my husband (if you know what I mean)! Charting is annoying sometimes - a lot of times - and I can't help but think that we're probably avoiding for nothing. My reproductive system is unpredictable, as history has shown.

Not to mention we've just been SO AGGRAVATED at having no "safe" days in like 2 months...so we haven't really been following Creighton rules. Ahem. (Screw you, green baby stamps!! Jk. Kind of.)

I've also just been thinking (and praying) about being content with life, no matter what comes our way - so that made me start thinking about the possibility of not being able to get pregnant for awhile. Because it's certainly possible. Would I be happy with just my 2 boys?

I want to be (I am now, though!). Since Logan and I both feel that our family isn't complete just yet - even if we can't get pregnant again - we both would love to adopt if given the opportunity.

I think giving God complete control of my reproductive system, as well as the number of children we might have (or not have) is important for us to come to accept whatever God has planned for us. (I know God has complete control anyway, but to stop using NFP to avoid is an act of surrender for both Logan and myself.)

So there you have it...my really random thoughts about all the things baby-related. We really want more kids but we also know it's not a guarantee. Logan and I have both thought about how it would be to not conceive later when we're actively trying - after trying so hard to avoid now - and that thought is just way too depressing. So we're just giving God the reigns and praying that He will give us a baby if/when He thinks we're ready.

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