"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Life, death, and Christmas

I always think more about Levi when I'm pregnant. Maybe it's because all my good memories of him are from when I was pregnant - the ultrasounds, feeling him kick, finding out he was a boy, etc. Or maybe I think about him more because for each subsequent pregnancy, I've been pregnant on the day we lost him. It's probably a combination. This is the 3rd time now, since losing him, that I've been pregnant on this day. I don't know how that happens, and at first it was really hard - knowing that I could lose the baby inside me just like I lost Levi.

It's still hard, of course, but now I can't help but think that being pregnant again on this infamous day is a good reminder that our babies aren't actually ours. Yes, God has entrusted us with their care, and we are called to love them, and help them to come to know, love, and serve the Lord. But God loves these babies even more than we do - as hard as that is to imagine - and just like we are His, these babies are His. And He can lovingly call them back to Him before we think it's time.

Even though I know Levi is in Heaven and that him being there actually completes my duty as his mother...I still struggle with it. I often wish he was here with us, playing with our other boys. It's so easy to imagine a third boy alongside Landon and Chase, partly because this baby in utero might be a boy, and partly because they already have an older brother.
Christmas morning before Mass....I did not realize Logan was holding an ultrasound picture until I uploaded the pictures! He's sneaky.

It never occurred to me until this year how ironic it is that we lost a baby during the Christmas season. While we're supposed to be celebrating the birth of Jesus, we can't help but think about the death of our baby. 6 years now and I'm just now realizing...it kind of sucks.

But maybe it's not so ironic after all. I mean, Jesus was born so that He could die. We don't tend to think about that at Christmas, because it's supposed to be beautiful and joyful. But in a mere 6 weeks (!!) when Lent starts, we'll be thinking about it a lot. And maybe it's just a tiny little blessing that my family is reminded of both life and death when we think about our precious Levi every single year on December 29.

Merry Christmas, y'all. We have so much to be thankful for!

Little Levi, pray for us!

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