"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

So much crazy talk

I really don't want to blog obsessively about this pregnancy (like I did the last 2), but man...I must have been crazy hoping for a somewhat normal pregnancy this time around. I'm on progesterone for the duration of the pregnancy for the first time and I really thought hey! maybe I won't have contractions now and maybe things will just be easier. But so far it's just caused more drama because of varying medical opinions about my last level that dropped. Add to that the fact that I'm still throwing up (despite the dropped level, WTF) and the ridiculousness that is already surrounding this pregnancy, like waiting 2 hours for that first original ultrasound that didn't get done because the hospital staff was totally incompetent.

But I digress.

Maybe everything is fine with this baby, but just the thought of everything not being fine is just really, really paralyzing. I thought it would get easier the more living children I had, but it hasn't. Yes, I'm so so so thankful for Landon and Chase, but I still desperately long to hold this new healthy baby in my arms just like I did with them. And while I'm sure it does make it a little easier having living children (as opposed to when I was pregnant with Landon and just wanted ONE BABY), having these awesome kids just makes me more aware of what I'm missing out on with Levi and what I'd be missing out on if I lose this baby too.

And to think I'm only 8 weeks along and not even to the cerclage/endless contractions/try to prevent preterm labor part of pregnancy. Oy vey.

Prayers for my crazy hormonal self are appreciated as always. I think the general state of the world and the fact that all my loved ones seem to have something depressing going on is not helping. Oh, and somehow I've managed to read the most depressing books lately (not intentionally). I'm currently in the last book of the Kristin Lavransdatter trilogy, ironically named The Cross (Simon Andresson, you're breaking my heart!).

I guess I can make this post somewhat useful by saying if you haven't subscribed for Danielle Bean's Advent emails, you should totally do so. Click here to her website and put your email in the sidebar on the right. She includes a music video every day, and I've really enjoyed listening to them while either eating breakfast or snuggling with my boys in bed before we get up for the day.
The winner for our Christmas card, included here because the prints I ordered are blurry. Boo.

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