"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

It's not supposed to be easy...but maybe one day

Even though this pregnancy has been pretty uneventful so far (other than minor progesterone level issues), I can't help but be a little on edge, just waiting for something to go wrong. I'm not constantly dwelling on it - because worrying will do nothing - but the thought is always in the back of my mind. 

What if my cervix starts opening early like it did with Landon? What if I have several troubling ultrasounds like I did with Chase? Or, worst case scenario, what if I go into preterm labor like I did with Levi?

I find myself praying something along the lines of, God, I trust in You, but I really, really want this baby to be okay. I know that it might be Your will to lose this baby in the next few months, and I know you would carry me through it...but I don't want to go through that again. Please let me carry this baby to term!

And then I feel bad for praying that because doesn't God know better? Shouldn't I just trust that whatever happens - even if this baby doesn't make it - is how God intended it? So many awesome saints, including our Blessed Mother, just willingly submitted to God's plan, even when it was really, really hard! I can't help but feel a little, um, un-saintlike when I just want what I want.

But when I was praying the rosary recently, I was thinking about Jesus in the garden the night He was arrested. He didn't want to go through all of that suffering and death, either!  Even though what He went through was so much worse, it's comforting to me to know that submitting to God's will isn't supposed to be easy - heck, His Son had a hard time with it! So I'm trying to give myself a little grace and not beat myself up over wanting my baby to live. Because we're all just human and it's normal to want to avoid suffering.

But I'll still pray for the graces to accept God's will just like Jesus ultimately did. And maybe one day I'll be able to say with no hesitation, "Your will be done."

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