"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Pregnancy loss, the Rosary, and a book I wish I had years ago

I still vividly remember how hard it was to pray after we lost Levi. Every time I tried, I just ended up crying. For months, I had started my prayers thanking God for Logan and our baby, and once our baby was gone, it made it hard to say anything else after that.

It wasn't until almost 3 weeks after Levi died that I made myself pray the Rosary again. Logan and I had prayed it once together in those days between, but of course the day I was by myself happened to be a Monday. The Joyful Mysteries.

I remember it like it was yesterday - sitting on my bed in our little rental house, crying throughout all five decades. While meditating on the Annunciation, I kept thinking about how hard it had been to say "yes" to God's will with everything that happened, and that Mary seems to have done it so easily.

During the Visitation, when thinking about John kicking in Elizabeth's womb, I was reminded of how it felt when Levi kicked in my womb.
Apparently I took zero pictures of my baby bump with Levi except on our babymoon cruise to Cozumel...

Gosh, it made me miss that. It made me miss having him inside me, anticipating the day I would finally get to meet him. Seven and a half years later, I still remember him kicking me in utero - he was more active than his three brothers after him, keeping me up at night.

The next mystery was the Birth of Jesus, which reminded me of our [terrible] short stay in the hospital. The last two mysteries weren't much better. I just couldn't stop crying! Looking back, I feel guilty about all those crazy thoughts. Why couldn't I focus on the fact that Mary knew every single emotion I was feeling? She lost her first and only Son too! Why did I feel further from Jesus and Mary when I should have felt closer?

How I wish I had had something to help spiritually after such a hard loss. I had read a couple books on pregnancy loss that helped, but they weren't focused on prayer - something I was struggling with big time. Prayer had always come fairly naturally to me (thanks to my melancholic temperament), but in those first few weeks after Levi's death, prayer felt like the hardest thing.

Recently I was given the opportunity to read Heidi Indahl's new book, Blessed is the Fruit of Thy Womb: Rosary Reflections for Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss. I loved it. It's going on my list of gifts for women who experience loss, as I know it would have benefited me greatly in those early days of grief.

For each mystery, there are the Scripture verses followed by a brief reflection and prayer intention for the decade. That prayer intention at the end is perfect - reminding us that we're not the only ones who've experienced loss and that we can use our suffering to help others. I know I could have used gentle reminders like that.

There's also plenty of space for you to journal after each reflection. I had the digital copy and didn't print it out, so I didn't utilize the journal space, but I know it would have been so helpful for me to do so back then. Heck, it would still be good to do now, over seven years later! I feel very blessed to have been healed in many ways from losing Levi, but there are still some days I struggle.

Be sure to check out Amazon to get a copy for yourself or a friend in need, and if you want to connect with Heidi, you can find her on Facebook, Instagram, and her blog, Work and Play, Day by Day.

I received a free digital copy in exchange for this here blog post but all opinions are mine! I'm honest about what I think, you know me ;)

No comments:

Post a Comment

Leave us some love!


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...