"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Friday, December 29, 2017

8 years later

Grief is a funny thing. Just when you think that maybe you're actually moving on, the sadness hits you like a ton of bricks. I didn't think I was going to post today, because it's already been a really hard year, for a bunch of reasons that I haven't really explained on the blog, and I didn't really want to dwell on the most difficult day of my life. Yet here I am.

It was 8 years ago today that I held our firstborn son, Levi, who never took a breath outside the womb. 8 years ago that my heart was completely ripped into pieces and I honestly thought I would never recover.

The years following didn't look like we planned. Do they ever? Yet God has this crazy way of leading you exactly where you need to go. I know I'm a better person, Logan and I have a better marriage, and that we love our children more because of what happened with Levi. Gold is refined in fire, after all.

Logan and I often talk about the future of our family. We love our boys so much and life is so full already. How could we possibly open our hearts to another? Especially when that openness can result in another big loss?

I have to remind myself that even a loss can be a blessing. No matter what, we would still have another child, we would still have another saint in heaven, and our family would still grow in size and in love.

Most years, on Levi's birthday, I've been able to think about him with gratitude. I still very much remember those months he was in my womb (probably because my brain hadn't yet been sucked out by childbirth, ha!). I still vividly remember the first time I felt flutters and the first time Logan was able to feel Levi kick. Those memories are such blessings. (I also vividly remember the first time I threw up from morning sickness, but you don't want to hear about that, do you?)

This morning, though, I had to catch myself from bursting into tears. I felt so silly, too. It was 8 years ago! I have 3 healthy boys now! Why the heck am I crying?

Because my heart will never be the same. Levi took a little part of it with him to heaven, and by golly, I really hope I make it there to see him again.

I guess I'm also a little emotional because it's no guarantee that we will even have another baby. Levi is a big reminder of that, especially this year because I'm not pregnant or nursing a baby like the last 6 years.

And that's one thing that Logan and I always think about....we've been taking some time to discern when exactly is the right time to have another baby (this is the first time we've had to do this, really), and while we're not quite there yet, what happens if we're not able to get pregnant when we're ready? Or we do get pregnant and keep suffering losses?

Being open to life is so complicated. But God will give us the grace we need. We just need to ask for it.

Levi Anthony, pray for us! We love you. ❤️

Christmas Day 2017. No fancy church clothes because sickness has plagued our house for a week now...

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