"When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances." - Rev. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Wednesday, July 1, 2020

Confessions (vol.5)

I've started to write a couple posts here and there throughout this pandemic and I just can't seem to get my thoughts together. So I figured a confessions post might be easier. Prepare yourself, I'm keeping it real. Confessions, coronavirus edition.

Silly picture just because

Last year I kept getting the sense that we were in a preparation time for a period of suffering. And I felt so silly because life was so good! 2019 was so great! But now I'm feeling a little vindicated because BOY OH BOY, I never could have imagined what we would be dealing with this year.

Logan hasn't been back at work in over 3 months, and it's still uncertain as to if/when he will return, although his workplace finally opened back up 2 weeks ago (phased reopening and he was not called). I can't help but get really annoyed as to how we were FINALLY in a decent place financially in the fall...and then this virus happened. My magazine job ended too. :(

Every time I read the Old Testament, I used to think how ridiculous the Israelites were being, constantly complaining despite God providing for their every need. BUT NOW I TOTALLY GET IT. Seriously. I have never understood the Israelites better than I have during this pandemic, you guys. Yes, things are rough, but God has still managed to provide for us, often through the generosity of our family and friends. Yet I can't help but complain...

I'm having a hard time not comparing our situation to other people and wondering why it's always us struggling. (Yes, I know how horrible that sounds.)

My recurrent joke during this time has been: "It's rough being a melancholic during a pandemic." And while I mean it to be funny, it's actually really true. It's not easy for anyone during a pandemic (and if it is, don't tell me), but throw in the traits of being idealistic, having high expectations, and longing for heaven...ugh. It's not easy. I know my fellow melancholics feel me!

Every since I got married, I wasn't very good about meditating on the Stations of the Cross on a regular basis. But God has totally fostered a love in me for the stations over the last few months. It's honestly been one of the things that has gotten me through my temptation to despair. Because how can I despair when thinking about what Jesus went through for me?

Our church now has an outdoor Stations of the Cross, so I've been riding my bike there and it's so nice. Sometimes I can convince the big boys to join me! (Chase was being a little silly yesterday)

"Trust" and "mercy" should be my words of the year. But Logan and I actually picked a word together (using Jen Fulwiler's website) and got "story." Which is good too. Maybe just maybe God is writing an awesome story through all of this...

Despite having many friends who already homeschool and having many more considering homeschooling this fall, Logan and I do.not.want.to. We still don't know what exactly the schools are doing yet, but we're hoping our kids are young enough that they won't have to wear masks. And if they do have to wear masks, welllll....I don't know what we will do.

Even though I technically have more time to write and do all the things I've been wanting to do, I'm finding it very hard to get motivated. And I start to think "well, I'll just wait until school starts." But I don't even know if they are going for sure! And it just makes me frustrated.

In my last confessions post, I wrote how I was overwhelmed with all of my responsibilities. Although most of those responsibilities are no longer, I'm still overwhelmed with all of the uncertainty of Logan's job, the boys school, and my fertility. Which begs the question...will I ever not be overwhelmed? (Maybe don't answer that)

We visited my parents for a few days and didn't want to leave. Landon and Chase learned how to fish and are better than me at casting!

We've been trying to get pregnant for well over a year, and honestly, we weren't being too strict even before that. I've always had an issue with stress prolonging my already long cycles...and that's definitely happening now. I don't know how to make me not stressed, considering the circumstances. Suggestions, anyone?

I'm starting to quite literally work myself out of a job now that our boys are doing consistent chores, and it feels like such a victory. Big kids are awesome.

Logan and I have talked about the possibility of me going back to work if the boys are able to go to school. But I honestly don't know if that is what God is asking of me right now (and it's hard to discern considering everything is so uncertain!).

Now that I've read this post over, I'm second guessing whether or not to post. Guess what I decided? (Mostly because I haven't posted in forever and I refuse to let this blog die)

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